On the Run MAG

April 20, 2013
By Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York, New York
Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York, New York
38 articles 0 photos 445 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light" --Dylan Thomas


A lot of people think that it is my fault. The news and papers criticized me, questioned my mental health. Investigators poked and prodded at my memory. But what people don't get is that, yeah, I was there. And I still hear her screams at night. They rattle around in my brain like marbles in a tin can. I can still feel the impact, see the lights. What they don't understand is that every time I close my eyes, another memory floods in. I haven't slept in three days.

• • •


October 31, Halloween

She is a ghost: a thin piece of fabric draped around her frame, crude holes for eyes. I am a princess in my graduation dress from last year and a stolen tiara. We make quite the crew.

Her pillow case/candy holder is almost full. Mine is barely up to the checkered line. Her laugh warbles out from under the white cloth. “We should hit Johnson Street next,” she says. I nod slowly, taking care not to knock off my tiara. Two streets later and we arrive at the first mailbox. She lifts up the handle and the crackle of the shaving-cream bottle sputters to life. White foam spurts all over the crisp envelopes. I don't need to see the smile that is already on her face.

We walk down two houses and she repeats the drill. And again down two houses. But instead of continuing the routine, she stops.

Her finger presses against the fabric in a place I imagine is her mouth. I stop, the candy bag growing heavy, my arms shaking from the cold.

“What?” I whisper.

She shakes her head as if to signal that she doesn't know. I glance up and down the street. The lamps now bathe the wet pavement in a luminescent glow. Kind of eerie.

With a shrug, she bends down and pours more shaving cream into box number 247.

• • •


I still don't understand how the bottle made that much noise, but somehow the car's motor purred silently behind us.

I still don't understand how I didn't scream as the red stained the white.

I still don't understand why my only impulse was to fix my broken tiara. I didn't even remember when it fell. I stood there staring at the half-full bottle of shaving cream, only coming back to my senses when the taillights careened down the empty street.

I guess that's why they thought it was me. Because when help finally arrived, her chest had stopped rising, and the sun had started. I had my head in my hands, my brain not working, not thinking.

I guess that's why I have to hide from her family, because word has it there is a death warrant out on me.

But I am here to set the record straight. She didn't die because of me. And she didn't die of cardiac arrest in hospital room number 247. No, she was attacked on a children's holiday, wearing her mom's sheet and her favorite Chuck Taylors. She was a victim of a hit-and-run.

No matter what they say, I think she would have liked that I stayed, that I didn't run.


The author's comments:
Hope you enjoy! Comment with comments!!

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This article has 20 comments.


LaPeterson said...
on Oct. 25 2014 at 12:16 pm
That was super good! You're an amazing writer.

KingFoe SILVER said...
on Oct. 23 2014 at 8:17 pm
KingFoe SILVER, Morristown, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 42 comments
I do like how this is written and I actually like the title because it makes the story more clear. The girl feels like she's on the run for the death pf her friend because she has to find from thr press and her friend's family. The only thing I don't like about this peice is the beginning of the last paragraph. "But I am here to set the record straight. She didn't die because of me. And she didn't die of cardiac arrest in hospital roon number 247." This kind of sucks the emotion out of the piece because it almost makes it sound like the girl just cares about people knowing she's not a murderer. It is still reat, it just needs a few tweaks.   

on Oct. 13 2014 at 4:49 pm
Potterhead_Is_amazing GOLD, Arvada, Colorado
10 articles 3 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, so long as one remembers to turn on the light.

I think the story was pretty good, but you probably could have chosen a better title. Overall a good story!

on Oct. 10 2014 at 12:56 pm
K.M.Comeaux BRONZE, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
1 article 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - (Not sure if Eleanor Roosevelt really said this, but we'll just go with Eleanor Roosevelt.)

I actually liked this a lot, but I have to agree that the title is a bit iffy. It's not that it's bad or anything, but the relation doesn't match exactly, but the story overall is amazing!

on Oct. 21 2013 at 1:17 am
SpidersAcrossStars PLATINUM, Hayward, California
38 articles 0 photos 160 comments

Favorite Quote:
For you, a thousand times over.

Oh ya and I dont really like the title...its a little boring and cliche

on Oct. 21 2013 at 1:16 am
SpidersAcrossStars PLATINUM, Hayward, California
38 articles 0 photos 160 comments

Favorite Quote:
For you, a thousand times over.

4/5 This was really good. I liked the way you ended it. Some parts were better than others but overall you did really good. I would have liked the characters to have been a little more personalized though....

on Sep. 2 2013 at 6:46 pm
dbk1098 PLATINUM, Rockville, Maryland
20 articles 0 photos 41 comments
This is soooo great! Love the suspense and imagery. You are a great writer!

on Jun. 15 2013 at 1:24 pm
GraphicWriter DIAMOND, Yuba City, California
63 articles 10 photos 89 comments
A good story. Gripping. Suspensful. But a little jagged in places like the beginning. I get that maybe you're trying to make it seem a little chopping, like in movies when the scenes go back and forth, back and forth. But this is writing, so I suggest you connect them a little more. Overall, a good story. I liked it. I wanted to read more.

ephemeral GOLD said...
on May. 27 2013 at 2:58 am
ephemeral GOLD, Park City, Utah
17 articles 0 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All that is gold does not glitter/Not all those who wander are lost/The old that is strong does not wither/Deep roots are not reached by the frost"

The diction has clear voice, and I'm pierced by the tragedy of the plot. The clarity lags around the actual shooting, and while I acknowledge it's for the sake of traumatic ambiguity, I just feel that it could be developed only slightly more to include depth of the girl's reaction and perhaps a focus on the death of the other girl. I feel like her death here is communicated impersonally, like a more modern version of The Stranger. If your goal is a disjoint, you might consider reworking that impersonality so that it accords with the short story itself. I very much love how she unconsciously reaches for her crown when she sees what happens, and small details like that are what bolster this piece. Your word choice is splendid, and your syntax is well structured. The thing about this story is that, if this were in a book, I'd already be thirsting to know more. Is there a parallel between mailbox 247 and hospital room 247 because if so, I'm eager to know. A very fine job here, keep it up.

Ishara BRONZE said...
on May. 25 2013 at 12:43 pm
Ishara BRONZE, Colombo, Other
1 article 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is more fun when colored outside the lines

I think it's good, just a bit here and there at the start. By the and it makes complete sense thought :) Nice job :)  

on May. 20 2013 at 9:17 am
GuardianoftheStars GOLD, Shongaloo, Louisiana
17 articles 0 photos 495 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let's tell young people the best books are yet to be written; the best painting, the best government, the best of everything is yet to be done by them."
-John Erslcine

Wow. That was so sad and chilling it gave me goose bumps! The details and the lack of them make the story breathtakingly good! 

on May. 12 2013 at 11:17 pm
Jade.I.Am ELITE, Fishers, Indiana
214 articles 14 photos 1163 comments

Favorite Quote:
“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”
― Charles Bukowski

This is soooooo good ...and sad!!! The way u write is very suspenseful here :D

on May. 4 2013 at 11:11 am
BurrThistle GOLD, Jaipur, Other
10 articles 0 photos 162 comments

Favorite Quote:
Write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect

okay, i realise that this is probably your third article i'm commenting on. I am not stalking you, i swear. I just love your work. This article is so incredible moving and powerful. I love how it all seems abstract yet connected in the begining but tied together beautifully in the end

on May. 1 2013 at 1:50 am
Cutey-Beauty SILVER, Ulaanbaator, Other
6 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
Soli Deo Gloria.

I was slightly confused in the beginning, but you managed to pull everything together in the end in a very beautiful way that I just love :D  Keep on writing! 

on Apr. 29 2013 at 6:53 pm
TheSkyOwesMeRain GOLD, Irvine, California
13 articles 1 photo 303 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments which take your breath away.

You are only as strong as your weakest link.

Brilliant work! My favorite was the ending, it was so powerful and really brought everything together :)

on Apr. 28 2013 at 10:48 pm
wordnerd54 SILVER, Sparta, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia." ~E.L. Doctorow

This is great!! I love the connection between the hit and run, and the fact that she didn't run (the last lines of the story, essentially.)  That really pulled the entire piece together. Nicely done!

Hanban12 ELITE said...
on Apr. 27 2013 at 9:49 am
Hanban12 ELITE, Lake Worth, Florida
133 articles 7 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
Henry David Thoreau

"I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once."
John Green

Wow! This is AMAZING! I love how its so deep and how the reader figures out teh plot right off the bat. Characterization- Perfect. Imagery- Perfect. .Nothing to change, just loved this piece! :)

on Apr. 23 2013 at 6:27 pm
LexusMarie PLATINUM, Las Cruces, New Mexico
27 articles 0 photos 423 comments

Favorite Quote:
The more control you have over yourself, the less control others have over you.

LIV! OMG! YOU GOT THE CHECK MARK! YAY! Okay, I had to get that off my chest! I am so happy for you! I told you, patience! (; This was amazing! The title is what captures people's attention, they know it's obviously going to be tragic, but the title makes it that much more appealing. The first paragraph is such a nail-biter, you are so ready to read more and you can't even begin to start reading it fast enough. But, the emotion already hits you. You read the next paragraph and the suspense and mystery is outrageous! You wrote this so well! I am so proud. I would love to know more about them! They sound so interesting, they are pranksters and they could be very cool characters if you continued this! The last sentence is just like oh my god. I couldn't believe it ended, I was like scrolling and wondering WHERE IS THE REST. Please continue this! Great job! Congrats on the check mark. (:

Mckay ELITE said...
on Apr. 23 2013 at 1:46 pm
Mckay ELITE, Somewhere, Virginia
146 articles 0 photos 2260 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."
—Apple’s “Think Different” commercial, 1997
“Crazy people are considered mad by the rest of the society only because their intelligence isn't understood.”
― Weihui Zhou

I want to congratulate you on creating a deep and emotional—amazingly compelling story. I want to praise you as you deserve; thus, I must state that there were some minor punctuation errors. But that can easily be remedied. Okay, good stuff now. Da*n, this stroy is thrilling. I love how you build suspense. It's like an episode of Law and Order or CSI. I'm telling you make this into a novel. I want to know more of these characters. Give them names. Tell me their story. How it all happens. How it started. How it is resolved. How it ends. Who did it? How does the protagonist of this story live after this experience. How does she emotionally react to being accused of a crime she didn't commit. This, I have a feeling, can ve the start of a thriller/crime novel. You're a great writer; I can seriously see this on stands of every book shop as a hardcover. If you do make it into a novel, can I get a signed copy? haha Great work. Keep rocking!

on Apr. 23 2013 at 10:29 am
IndigoElisabeth SILVER, Woodbury, New Jersey
5 articles 1 photo 171 comments

Favorite Quote:
John 1:1

This was good, but you could make it more clear. Make the part where the little girl is hit more dramatic. As it is, it takes a few seconds for the impact of what happened to sink into the reader's mind.




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