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Thoughts of Time Being

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Loneliness, it’s what every teen encounters at one time or another in this hell we call high school. It’s mandatory, but if we had it our way, we wouldn’t set foot in this soul sucking place. We’re all lost, me in particular. I have no idea what I’m doing. I like to pretend I do though, for my own sanity, and for the sake of those around me. I really don’t know what’s going on with the thoughts that are bouncing around making a jumbled up mess in my mind. I like to think I’m not exactly mentally ill, but I know somethings going on up there that shouldn’t be. Maybe I just see the world in a different light than most, even though that light is pretty dim. Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe I’m just a hormonal teen, who knows? I obviously don’t.

Somethings people don’t take the time to realize about me, is that just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I’m happy. My world came tumbling down all around me leaving me in a dark hole and no way to get out. I kept moving through the darkness, not sure of where I was going, or who I was going with. I just knew there was human presence around me, and I was disgusted for some reason. There was always some kind of gloominess filling up inside me. I always look around, not sure of what I’m looking for. But I look, I don’t see anything, but it doesn’t stop me from searching from what I want to find. Maybe what I want to find doesn’t want to be found. If there was some way of knowing what was going to happen when I turn the corner, I’d never turn. I’d save myself before I need someone to save me. I’d catch myself before I would have to hope that someone was there to catch me, but I’d fall and realize that I’m alone, and that I always had been. It’s what I’m best at. I guess that my forte. Being alone. Yeah, that sounds pretty much the only thing I am good at. It’s running away and hiding when someone is trying to find me. But then once in a blue moon, you stumble across that one person that does absolutely anything to find you, and you do absolutely anything to keep out of their sight. It’s really exhausting actually.

I’m ready to leave and be free. I like the feeling of being free. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t have to stay and act like happy with a smile on my face, because that’s what people want to see. I don’t have to pretend to be interested in what you’re talking about, because truth be told, I could honestly care less. I sit there, engaged in conversation, but mind it wanders and makes me think of fantasies that I want to become a reality. But it’s not always that easy, talking about it and doing are two very different concepts. It’ll be easy once I’m gone. I’ll cut all connections with the people who are here and I’ll set out by myself and be with new people, and once I’m tired of them, I’ll pack up and leave. It’s perfect really, I’d love that life. I don’t get close to people and they don’t get close to me. I like to imagine that I have friends, but in all honesty, it’s me and my mom, and my dog. Those are my friends. “You’re your friend?” yeah, I sometimes like being alone, but I’m not completely alone because I’ll have myself, and I understand me better than anyone. People have tried to unravel the things that make me, me. They don’t succeed. It’s just something you need to get used to. I’m not one of those people who you have to peel back the layers of them like an onion-I head that in a movie once, and I really liked it-because you won’t be able to peel back the first layer.

If you didn’t know me personally, and you read this, you’d think I was some kind of really messed up person, but if you do know me personally, you already know I’m a really messed up person. I like to not be myself completely because no one understands. Even though that’s very cliche of me to say, it’s true. Call me what you will, but I’m very misunderstood. I know I’m strange, you don’t have to break the news to me, I know. I like it that way, I’ll always keep you on your toes.



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