December 7th, 2010

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December 7, 2010



No one cares how I feel. No one would care if I jumped off this cliff right now. No one would even notice. The people in my third period class proved that point. Bullying someone else can cause them to kill themselves. I’m proving that statement right now.
Falling sixty miles per hour give you an adrenaline rush but that’s not what I want. I want regret. I want to regret jumping of a cliff but that’s not what I get. I’m disappointed once again. I feel light. All my cares are gone. I feel no more stress. Is this how it feels when you’re dead? Or is there really a heaven? Either way I won’t be going there. I have sins. I’ve done some things… things have happened to me.
Finally it happens. I have physical pain. The five degree Fahrenheit water surrounds me. My whole body goes number the instant it smashes into the river. My lungs suffocate from the pressure of the water. I sink further and further into the darkness I love so much. Good-bye, world I think to myself before…

Earlier that day…

I sigh as I sit down in Spanish. It’s another horrible day. No one talked to me in History except out of pity. Choir was awkward along with Advisory. Advisory is always boring when you have nothing to work on. Now here I am in Spanish. I have no friends and everyone is so f***ing annoying.

It started off like every other class. The teacher had to tell everyone to be quiet every two minutes while we did our bell work. It took me about five minutes like usual. Everyday it’s the same routine and feelings. I feel alone. I lost almost all my friends and drifter from others. I don’t have anyone I really trust. These are my thoughts everyday. No one truly loves me. No one truly cares anymore…

“Class… Please sit in a desk. You can sit back on the heater after we’re done with taking notes.” My teacher’s soft voice says to the people in the very back. Everyone reluctantly went and sat down in a random desk. I took out my notebook and started copying the notes on the overhead when I felt pressure in the back of my head. The stupid big, dark skinned girl behind me was poking me with something. I HATE freshmen… Her and her lesbian friend started laughing. I sighed and tried to ignore her. I need some happiness in my life. I need someone who actually likes me and don’t have mood swings. One of the few people who actually make me smile is Wesley. Maybe I’ll text him later…

Just then I felt wetness in the back of my head. Great now she’s f***ing drawing in my hair. Why me? Can’t I just die already? People say you’ll regret it but would anyone even remember me? I get made fun of everyday. I can’t take this much longer. Either I’m going to kill myself or I move schools, preferably an online school. Then I won’t have to deal with people.

The poking kept on becoming consistent. I turned around, quickly. This is getting annoying. “Will you f***ing stop?!” I yelled, quietly. I turned back around and tried to catch up with the notes. The stupid freshmen and lesbian just laughed going on about how I’m going to end up slapping her. Great, not only do I get picked on but I’m also going to get expelled for fighting. She pokes me some more and everyone behind me laughs. I turned around again and almost slap her. I glare at her hard before turning back around. I can feel myself shaking with anger.

“Okay class do pages 33 on the practice side and 13 on the core practice side.” The teacher says once again. I sit for a few seconds before I stand up angrily, stopping her poking, and walking to get my workbook. I could feel her stomping behind me, mocking me. I grabbed my workbook from the bookshelf and went around her. I glanced over at her ugly face for a second. I almost stopped and punch her in ugly “mad” face. She stomped behind me back to my seat. I sat on the very edge of my seat trying to ignore her.

Her and her friends kept mocking me while I tried to do the work. I tried to ignore them as much as possible. Then I felt pressure on my back. Just fucking great! She’s touching me with her feet. One of the major weaknesses I have, along with height. “Why you wiping your feet off on her, Marcia?” The dark-skinned lesbian asks in a mocking tone before laughing.

“There’s nothing on her shirt except some lint but that was there.” She wipes something off my shirt. I start to shake with more anger. I f***ing hate feet and people touching me unless I actually like them. Could this day get any worse? She starts to use the same pen on this other girl. Great! Now I probably have something in my hair. Another thing wrong.

“What are you doing?” Theresa asks.

“Giving you highlights.” She replies in a cocky voice that makes me want to hit her more.

I finally get up and put my workbook back. I look at the clock and notice that I have a few more minutes. I take my time getting back to my seat. I lean down and look in my purse, ignoring their snide comments. I grab my I.D. and hide it while looking for the only one dollar that the stupid idiot didn’t steal from me yesterday.

I stand back up and say to the teacher, “Can you sign this?” She takes my I.D. from me and goes to her desk.

“Do you want only tomorrow or…?” Her voice trails off.

“Thursday too.”

She nods and signs my I.D. again before handing it back to me. I take it and slip it back in my purse before I bend down and try to make everything fit in my backpack. I grab my Chemistry notebook I was supposed to be studying and opened it up. Marcia puts her foot on my seat and it slips off knocking my notebook closed. I breathe in trying not to throw it at her. The bell rings and I stand up quickly with my stuff and walking quickly out the door.

The rest of the day was spent in a zombie mode. I cried a little bit in Algebra 2 on my quiz but no one noticed of course. I didn’t talk to anyone unless I was spoken to. At the end of class I asked Tiffany for a sharpie and wrote I Hate Life on my hand. I went quietly to my locker before going to lunch. I barely talked until I saw Marcia standing in line. I turned to my closest friend, Julie, and asked her for a sharpie. On my arm I wrote, Shoot me and Loneliness is the only thing I know. In English Amber drew me a picture and all I did in Chemistry was take notes. In Independent living, I made chicken nuggets before running off to my locker. I walked in the coldness to my house. I got inside and dumped my stuff and walked to the river by my house.

No one cares how I feel. No one would care if I jumped off this cliff right now. No one would even notice. The people in my third period class proved that point. Bullying someone else can cause them to kill themselves. I’m proving that statement right now.
Falling sixty miles per hour give you an adrenaline rush but that’s not what I want. I want regret. I want to regret jumping of a cliff but that’s not what I get. I’m disappointed once again. I feel light. All my cares are gone. I feel no more stress. Is this how it feels when you’re dead? Or is there really a heaven? Either way I won’t be going there. I have sins. I’ve done some things… things have happened to me.

Finally it happens. I have physical pain. The five degree Fahrenheit water surrounds me. My whole body goes number the instant it smashes into the river. My lungs suffocate from the pressure of the water. I sink further and further into the darkness I love so much. Good-bye, world I think to myself before… Someone grabbed me. I looked up to see some guy. Damn it. Why won’t anyone let me die?!

“I’m Franklin Vladimir. What the hell were you thinking?” He said with his bright green eyes shone with concern. “And what’s your name?”

I took a deep breath. “Krystal Ophelia.” My voice squeaked out.

Too be continued… or not…





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