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Behind the Willow Part 1

It was an average warm Florida late afternoon. The sun hadn’t yet sunken all the way bellow the horizon, but began to partially hide behind the distant houses. Just 20 minutes ago I had decided to make a quick escape from my home life on my old, rarely used bike. Only a few days after I had received the blue and black 2 wheel vehicle, the Florida freeze of 2010 hit. I couldn’t even contemplate leaving the warmth of my home without getting frostbite. Once the fringed temperatures had dissipated, a wave of thunderstorms had taken its place. There had been a nearly constant downpour for days, but for now it seemed like the clouds would hold their liquid contents for a few hours.

I was making my way around two massive lakes. Tree limbs and leaves had found their way into the green water contained within the lakes shores. My gaze was fixed forward, not wanting to hit a fallen branch, when something caught my eye. A slight movement in the brush. At first, I thought nothing of it. I had put off the slight rustling as a deer coming out of its green world to examine the foreign object known as sunlight. Then, something immerged from the forest. A family. What appeared to be a mother, father, teen son, and daughter, who looked about 4, had left the forest and began to walk along a small patch of land, which soon connected to the gray sidewalk. It was a strange thing to see a family leave such a outlandish place. Thoughts soon clouded my mind, what were they doing in there? Were they looking for something? A lost dog perhaps, or possibly a cat? Were they wildlife buffs or something? Why take such a young girl? The thoughts flooded my mind, making assessment of any other subject virtually impossible. I knew that the only way to cure myself from this madness was to answer my queries.

Once I regained awareness of the world around me, I found that I had strayed from the position of the families emergence from the damp, over grown jungle. With a swift turn of the handlebars, I made a sharp U-turn on my two wheeled friend, and left the area. I rode back up the narrow street, just far enough to where when I turned around, the family would be to far to see me enter the woods. Once again I made a turn, heading back to the mysterious lakes. I quickly turned my head in every direction, searching for the peculiar family, but my search was in vain, the family had vanished. Ahead of me was the woodland, and the answer to my questions.

I soon reached the point where the sidewalk meet the grassy patch of land. I eagerly jumped off my bicycle, threw it down to the grass, instinctively said sorry, and then jogged over to where the family had immerged from the green wall. After minutes of searching, I discovered an enormous willow tree. Its long, green branches hung down like fingers, tickling the ground. Its trunk was a deep brown, its leaves a lush green. But it wasn’t the magnificent tree that drew my attention, it was what was hiding under the tree. A small pathway, which was protected by some of the limbs of the willow, cut through the forest.

There was something about it that enticed me. Something that called to me, its voice soothing, saying “Come in! Discover my secrets!” I took 10 minutes to contemplate my choices: go home, continue my ride, or enter. I’m sure you know which one I chose.

The moment that my foot stepped onto the muddy brown soil, my fate was sealed……………..





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This article has 6 comments. Post your own now!

gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 4, 2010 at 7:12 pm
That was wonderful!  Very interesting, great cliff hanger, sounds like a fabulous story. Hope you write more!
 
Midnight_Hum This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 29, 2010 at 11:25 am

Interesting.

One thing that struck me was the narration.  It sounded kind of fake, for example you wrote, "...to answer my queries."  That sounds odd in a first person narrative coming from a teenage boy. This and other minor things like this make you story seem less realistic.  The way you write it makes it seem that the story is being narrated by a college professor.  Which shows that you have a grasp of words, but not setting.

I do like the way you ... (more »)

 
Bassoonkelley This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 25, 2010 at 9:16 am
Your fiction has a lot of structural strength to it, and you've got a lot of potential! However, the adjectives you use leave the senses wanting. It was just an "average" Florida afternoon? I'm from Florida as well and most afternoons are sweltering, sweaty, and difficult. Make the writer FEEL what you feel, give them real, concrete images and ideas to work with when reading. Give them new, unique adjectives to keep their interest and to build an even clearer image. :)
 
taylorf463 said...
Jun. 24, 2010 at 3:02 pm
This is great! I love the way you use such AWESOME details to captivate you audience and keep them interested. Keep going b/c this was left of such a cliffhanger. lol :)
 
JohnWallOfTheWizards replied...
Jun. 24, 2010 at 9:37 pm
I like it everything seems to be in check except the first sentence IT WAS... is used to often, awesome cliffhanger.
 
roxymutt said...
Jun. 21, 2010 at 11:55 pm
this is very good! i believe i read it in the first forum you put up and i agree again tht this is quite well written i was very captivated and want to know what happens next :)
 
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