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The Murderer

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I walked through the school hallway getting ready to meet up with my boyfriend, Jason at his locker. As I step closer to his locker I notice that he is no where in sight. I stand there frustrated, because I actually was looking forward to seeing him today.

“Oh, I miss him so much,” I said under a sigh. After a whole entire weekend without seeing him I come back to this? I walked away, heading to Jessica’s locker.

“Hey Stephanie,” Jessica said, “where’s Jason?”

“I don’t know,” I said, with my frustration coming back to haunt me.

“Maybe he’ll come back towards the end of the day,” Jessica said, obviously trying to lighten my spirits.

“Oh, if he does then he’ll definitely be my hero!” I said as I walked into my 1st period Algebra class.

The whole entire day was such a drag. I barely even paid attention to what the teachers were teaching. The final bell must have woke me up from my daze, because that’s really all I remember.

I stepped in the door, ran up the stairs--taking two at a time. I throw my books on the floor. I lay on my bed, thinking that this is so great to be home after such a long day. I lay there dreaming…

…I scramble to the kitchen, looking around in the dark, barely seeing anything. Then, I found what I was looking for…a knife. I honestly don’t know why I needed the knife, but I obediently put the knife in my back pocket. The next thing I knew I was out side walking at a very fast pace. I pass lots of houses, then finally I see a very familiar red brick house. As I walk up the drive I grip the knife handle tightly in my palms. Then, I unlock a door and step up the staircase very quietly. I walk down the hall and find his door. I open it ever so slowly and quietly. I look in the room and see Jason sleeping so peacefully. I realize that I’m still gripping the knife, but now I pull it out of my back pocket and hold it to his chest…

My alarm clock must have woken me up because my ears kept ringing as I got out of bed. I finally remembered the dream I had last night.

“Oh that was such a sick dream and I would never do such a-,” I said, but something caught my eye. On my dresser lay the knife-the knife I used to murder my-boyfriend. I shuddered at all the thick dried blood on the knife.

“Oh, my goodness this can’t be happening.” I cried, praying that this didn’t really happen. I grabbed the knife struggling to find a place to hide it. I couldn’t really find a place to hide it so I just threw it under my bed. But it made a noise as it glided under the bed. I looked under the bed and pretty much lost it. I mean, a scream wouldn’t even express what I felt. I didn’t even think about what had happened to Jason’s body, but now I know. I pulled his body out from under my bed, and examined it. There was a big bloody hole in his chest, which was imprinted the same shape as the knife.

“Gosh, I don’t even remember bringing his body here,” I said in a big gulp. But then, the same force that forced me to murder Jason came back, an I realized why.

Jason was just like James. The type of guys I hated. Just the way they act, the clothes they wear. James made me murder him, just like Jason. After I murder I totally forget what I did, until I commit another murder. So the next time I murder I will remember Jason. But as I stand there at their funeral, they will stare at me but never suspect a thing.



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This article has 28 comments. Post your own!

AshTree said...
Nov. 24, 2010 at 10:43 am:

I really liked the idea behind this. The good side~it has a really great concept. Constructive criticism~ you seem to repeat the same words in sentences and don't describe in all that detail.

Good job! I would love to read this in a longer, more descriptive, novel-like story.

 
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AgingerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 9, 2010 at 8:11 pm:
That was great! I love how that story was so good in so little words. Keep writing! Could you read some of my work? It is very different from yours, but I could really use some feedback.
 
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FlyingKookie said...
Oct. 6, 2010 at 5:00 pm:
I loved it! Very suspenseful!! :D
 
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rawali said...
Oct. 4, 2010 at 10:06 pm:
It was really interesting. My attention was held throughout. As someone mentioned keep the same tense throughout. Also talk about who James is mabye a bit more, I was confused on that. Also give a more noticeable motive for the killings. Keep up the good work!
 
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MitchB. said...
Oct. 2, 2010 at 10:09 pm:
i loved the whole idea!!!!!! so interesting!!! 
 
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JustinBieberGirl14 said...
Oct. 2, 2010 at 8:53 pm:
i enjoyed the plot!
 
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apocalyptigirl said...
Sept. 30, 2010 at 10:14 pm:
You keep jumping from present to past tense and back; it's confusing and I'm pretty sure it's not a conscious choice. Just pick one. I think it could have had a stronger motive, or built more suspense, like preechyteenager said. But I liked it; I got a good sense of how the character was horrified. :)
 
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thepreechyteenagerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sept. 30, 2010 at 3:25 pm:

Pretty cool :)  Like DallysGrrl said, a stronger notive could've been nice.  Also I thought the waking-up-and-figuring-out-dream-was-reality was a cliche, but I think overall you pulled this off very nicely.  It was great how you built this character, first as the super-clingy girlfriend and then as someone almost with a split personality.  Creepy and cool all wrapped into one :)

4 stars!!

 
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DallysGrrl said...
Sept. 1, 2010 at 10:59 am:
I really liked this story. The horror and suspense of a killer that doesn't know she kills is a really good idea. There could be a stronger motive, but I did like that she didn't even realize what she was doing. The only other critique I have is that you probably could've drawn it out a little bit more. You have so much to work with here, and you could've created even more suspense by making it longer so the details are more developed. Overall, I did like the idea and writing s... (more »)
 
Diana101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 5, 2010 at 3:46 pm :
I'm so happy that you enjoyed my story!!!:)
 
DallysGrrl replied...
Sept. 6, 2010 at 1:53 pm :
Yeah  I  really  enjoyed  it.  keep  writing!
 
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gracegirl29This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 9:02 pm:
This was pretty good but there are a couple things you could work on. Some language didn't seem real/believable, especially written from the perspective of a teenager. Voice is a very important part in the story. For example, if you really killed someone, you probably wouldn't be saying "gosh" or "Oh my goodness" because you just committed a serious crime. I would sob irrevocably and get away as fast as possible:P You should also vary words/ sentence length more, a thesaurus can help you with di... (more »)
 
Diana101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Sept. 5, 2010 at 3:45 pm :
Thank you so much for the advice!!!
 
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Lachance said...
Aug. 26, 2010 at 6:25 pm:
I love this. It's awesome. I would love to read more of your work so I subscribed for email alerts for when you post more writing. My heart really started pumping when she woke up and found the knife. I was trying to sort out her actions in my head and couldnt...THAT right there is the key to mystery!
 
Diana101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 5:22 pm :

Thank you so much for the comment!! I'm very excited you enjoyed my story!! And I'm sure I'll have another story on here before too long:)

           -Diana 101

 
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singergurl12 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 25, 2010 at 7:17 pm:
i like the ending, but you could have used a little more detail. it didnt really hook me at the beginning and seemed kind of fake... i'd love it if you revised it- it seems like a great plot!
 
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mudpuppy said...
Aug. 25, 2010 at 5:50 pm:
Oh, and the ending had my stomach churning! In a good way! :) I would never have suspect it!
 
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Diana101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 25, 2010 at 4:05 pm:

Thank you for the comment!! You're totally welcome for the coment!!:)

 

 
mudpuppy replied...
Aug. 25, 2010 at 5:48 pm :
You're really good at suspense, this story had my heartpounding and my spine is shivering with chills! :)
 
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Zavery_This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 25, 2010 at 12:25 pm:
Very emotional and unsuspecting. Nice! By the way, thank you for commenting on my article.
 
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