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I Won’t Give up.
18th December 2002
I'm running in the wrong direction, but I keep running and running.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what path is worth taking.
I don't know what's worth anything, anymore. I'm in a ditch, but
no matter how hard I try to get out or escape, it pulls me farther and
farther in, everyday.
1. Explain Yourself---
Its funny how you learn things over the years, like when I was 2, my father had me try some new invention of his, I was in the hospital for three weeks, he had pictures, but I can’t believe him anymore not after this. Spooky huh, but apparently I’m not the daughter that he wanted, I am not dark enough, you know, like those Goth kids at school, like, I have this real creepy kid at my school, but he is pretty cute also, but of course, my dad is pushing me to hook up with him, I know right, like how many teenaged girls’ dads would want them to date a guy like that, but my dad’s different, he likes dark stuff, nothing of a light color, the whole house is practically black, really the only thing at night from keeping me to freak out is my older brother, Dakota. He says no matter how scary it gets, he’ll be there.
My mother died when I was six, my dad says it was a car wreck, but I think it was more then that. Because, we never talk about her at all, and there are no pictures of her either. My brother may be the only one I have left, but he is just like my father though, so I don’t know what to expect next. Last week he had me roll around in the dirt, in 100 degree weather, he said I was on fire, It was so hot, I actually believed him. He made me, speaking of which, I don’t have any idea what religion I am, and maybe I’ll bring that up at dinner. (Hears a voice in the background) Sadie, dinner. Ah ha, just the right timing. I live with my brother, my dad leaves about 4 in the morning at the latest, and doesn’t come home until 11 at night, spooky huh, but he’s my dad, I gotta love him no matter what.
2. The Arrival--- 11:06
I’d thought I would wait up for my dad and tell him that his dinner is in the microwave. But when he got home I was frightened, he came home with something different on than what he left with. When he left he was wearing blue jeans, white dress shirt with his skinny black tie. And he had to take his piercing out to go to work. But now he’s piercing are back in and a tattoo lay across his arm and said: Anger is one letter short of danger. I pretended to be asleep on the couch as he walked by I could smell alcohol on his breath as well as smoke, like he had just smoked one. He’s hair was down, as I tried to sneak up to my room, I heard a women’s voice along with a man that was behind her, the man looked like he had just gone swimming in a pool of chlorine as well as the women. They both looked tired, but yet full of energy. As I crawled up the stairway, I head the women say: “you got the stuff?” My dad replied: “Yeh, just hurry up, my kids are home.” I saw her hand him a bag of something, I didn’t know what it was, it looked like sugar, but I could smell it from up here, it was awful. The man with the women looked like he opened his eyes under water, and held them open until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He was wearing a trench coat with funny looking pants. The women was wearing a tank-top with black boots and a mini-skirt. My dad looked like he needed to sleep for a day or two, he looked exhausted and his clothes.... they...they had a blood stain on the front, and it reeked. As they both walked away, my dad looked up, but luckily my brother was home and snatched me away, I about screamed but he covered my mouth. He asked me what dad was doing I started to cry and told him about the blood stain and the sugar in the bag. He explained to me that it wasn’t sugar; he told me that it was some kind of drug, and we had to figure it out, and quick, he asked me what he looked like and I told him about his eyes and clothes, he told me he probably did something. I started to head back to my room and my dad stopped me in the hall, I was surprised so I yelled. He asked me if I had any dirty clothes that needed to be washed, then I wondered why he was washing clothes in the middle of the night. then I thought it was the blood stain, as soon as I said “no”, he walked away, I went to Dakota’s room and asked what he was doing, and he said that we needed to get the shirt and make sure it was blood not just a spilled drink. I stayed in Dakota’s room when he went to get the shirt. He took a dirty shirt just in case dad came in the room, and his excuse was that he needs it washed, he came back with dad’s shirt and his dirty shirt, and he said that it had the smell of blood so he was pretty sure it was. Now we just have to figure out how it got there, it smelled fresh like he had done it tonight. He said we needed to go to the police tomorrow, I asked him: “What if dad goes to jail?” He replied. If he does, we’ll be okay; he said he’s turning 18 this year, he can take care of me, or we may have to go live with grandma. But that’s not gonna happen, after what she did to us, dad came back, and took us in.
“If an every whole leaves a scar, and a scar marks it place, I can’t live with-out your trace.”
3. Another Day...Another Memory 9:16 A.M. ---
“Sadie, Sadie, Sadie, wake-up, we’re leaving.” “What....Where... not now, please.” She looked up and noticed it was her dad. “Where are we going?” “Where’s Dakota, do we take anything?’ Sadie at that moment was like an empty vessel just waiting to be filed. “Dakota is in the truck, just come, now I’m leaving!” “NO, I...I...I know Dakota isn’t in the truck!” “Then where is he?” “I...I...I don’t know... I just know that he went to go see Johnny.” Johnny was one of dad’s friends, a bad one at that. he always got dad in trouble and sometimes in a whole lot of trouble. But he’s with the crime lab so I guess it evens out. “WHAT....he can’t do that?” “If he did, then where did he get the car?” “His friend, Rick, he has a car.” “Okay then, I’ll take you to Uncle Kevin’s.” I didn’t want to go there, even I knew he was a drugged up man. “Okay.” I said quietly. Johnny lives in Connecticut , and I live in Rhode Island. So she knew she had time to sneak out, and not get caught. I new I wasn’t gonna get fed, and she also knew I would have to spend at least a day or two with him. We arrived at Kevin’s house at 9:30 in the morning, I heard them talking about me. “Now Kevin, I am leaving Sadie with you, Dakota ran away to umm.. his grandma’s house. Dad knew he had to lie, so he wouldn’t get caught or in any more trouble than he always is. I’ll need you to watch her for a couple of days okay?” “Well she’s 12 can’t she take care of her self?” “Kevin....just...never mind, listen, I am just asking you to do this one thing for me Kevin, please, don’t make me beg.” Okay, but lights out at 8:00,” “Okay...Okay...no problem.” “Sadie, stay here ok I’ll be back in a couple of days okay.” “Okay” “Bye, behave, and follow his rules.” he drove off and I knew I had to take care of my self, so I decided that I’m going to run away tonight. It’s late at night and the sky is pitch black, I hear a dog in the background, it howled like it owned the place. I had my bag in my hand, and was ready to go. as I pulled the window open, I hear music, I figured that something was gonna happen, so I got Maria’s purse and found two one hundred dollar bills in her purse. Maria was a quiet lady, married to Kevin she needs to be or else she know that she’ll get slapped around. Hs respect for women needs to be a little up to date. As I was grabbing the money her keys fell to the floor with a creek I bent down to get them. I heard someone get up and say what was that. I figured they had some friends over for the party. I heard footsteps coming to the kitchen then some heels I herd a gun, sounded like someone had cocked it. I crawled back to my room, forgetting about the keys. I until the company left to sneak. After that I just stuck to my plan, I’ll probably spend the night in a motel and get a fresh start in th morning. Dad gave me directions to follow his rules. but I know that will never happen. As I snuck out I looked back and asked my self if this was the right decision, was I doing the right thing, leaving this dumpy junk yard, and run, and maybe, just maybe not stop until I’ve gotten what I deserve, a nice meal, a family that cares, and actually comes home at decent hours, because like the night I will be the one to fall, and realize I have wings, and I can fly, with-out any interruptions, with-out any one following me, couldn’t I have thought of this before? As I start my trail, and run, I hear “lights out” and the door swings open, and he notices I’ m not there, not there to see him get drunk, hit himself, or possibly me, tonight will be the night I will fight, and I will live to see another day, tonight I may not be there when Dakota gets put in jail, or uncle Kevin. I hear gunshots, and I think that he is gonna hear me, running and running, I need to hide, even if I am just 12, I am responsible enough to take care of my self for once. They say you can’t change over night, but hey, there’s a first for everything, right? All of a sudden... I fall to the ground...... all I hear is silence, that’s all. My stomach acing so bad I start to cry, I try to pick up myself and go, leave, but it’s too hard, I hear a car coming down the driveway, its Dakota and Johnny. They rush towards me and ask me if I’ve been shot. I think to myself, “shot” how can I get shot?? It may be not as bad to you, but to me shot is a powerful word, and so is the actual shot. I overhear them talking, “we have to get her to the hospital now, Johnny, get the truck started, I’ll carry her.” As he carries me down the driveway, I realize I have been shot, right in the back, the bullet was still inside of me, I could feel it, and it hadn’t gone through. I start to feel sleepy and then Dakota tells me what happened, I had gotten shot in the lower back, and he told me where I was going and what they would be doing to me and all. But this time I really start to fall asleep. All I see is dad, and mom, Dakota, and Johnny. Even though she’s gone I still see her at times when I shouldn’t. I see them sitting there, waiting, I grab the rope and pull myself up. I stare into complete silence, and darkness. What’s happing to me, where am I going, what am I doing?
4. 2:30 a.m. The Hospital and Sadie---
I wake up and all I can hear are whispers in the silence of the night, at first I just thought it was my mind, then I realized where I was at and what had happened that night, I was frightened by thinking of what I had felt. At that moment, I remembered who was with me; mom, dad, Dakota, and Johnny. I think Kevin was there too. The whispers are turning slowly and painfully into their voices, as I listen I hear them say how easy life would be with-out me, and all of my troubles, and how it would help the family a lot if I just, disappeared for a while, or maybe forever, and for good. As I pretended to be asleep and try to fall asleep the nurse comes in, but her face is just a black blur, like those on TV when they want to black out something, like they don’t want you to see who it was that did bad, or who their mom was. Then all of my family’s faces were turning into dark green blobs, I swear all this was a dream, or something, maybe not to them, but it was to me, or maybe not even a dream, a night mare. the nurse came in with a needle the size of my pinky finger. “You want me to put here down now sir?” The nurse asked in confusion. “Yes, ma’m, we all just feel if she wasn’t.... “ as he went on I went into this dark room and couldn’t see anyone but me, except the only thing wrong with that is, I could still hear their voices. I began to awake, and Dakota looks at me as if it wasn’t up to him to decide weather or not I was alive or dead that night, as if he felt sorry for me, and he would see me again someday, as I tried to move my legs and my arms to give a single that I was okay, I couldn’t move, I tried so hard to, it hurt, like I was causing my self pain, with-out moving. suddenly, I hear a shout, sounding like Dakota saying that, this wasn’t right, that they should rethink this, than I heard dad say, “Listen, unless you wanna be next, I suggest you shut-up. you already know too much. Dakota calmed down after dad said that. all of a sudden I shook, and there was silence, I realized that my jaw was not paralyzed yet, I let out a huge scream, like as if I was in pain, then it faded into an outside voice, inside voice, then shredded into tiny whispers, as the medicine did it’s job. Now all I could see is a tunnel, with a light at the end, white light, almost as white as the snow, then there was this terrible smell, almost like a school bathroom. As I move towards the light, I see someone, but I don’t know who it was, the only person that had died in my family was my mom and that was really the only person I got along with besides Dakota. As I reached the end of the tunnel I see a hand come down and help me up, like a helping hand or something. I reached the light and then I realized who it was, it was my mom, looks like after all, she did care that much to save me and help me. Before I got the nerve to say anything, it was like someone was pulling me back down.... then mom’s face turned blue and I couldn’t see what she looked like.... I hear these voices, “I think you made the right choice sir, she will be with us once again.”
5. 5:00 A.M. The Man and The Women.
I awake to the sound of a heart monitor, I peeked around the room... everyone one was there. I looked down at my arm, looked like the nurse had a hard time with the IV. I peek up and all I could see was the ceiling... and that was all, no bright light, no mom, nothing of what I had seen before it didn’t smell like a school bathroom any more. I glanced over to see my brother sleeping in the chair next to me. I looked at the door and heard a knock. I was panicking now. I didn’t know who was on the other side of that door. Who could it be? Then the door opens, I quickly shut my eyes and pretended that I was fast asleep. I heard the door shut, and not just any shut, but a hard shut. Like this person was very angry. “She looks fast asleep, let’s not wake her”, a women’s voice said with excitement. “At least we didn’t lose her this time”. “It feels so good to be in the same room with her, I just wish that we could take her home now”. “I do too, but the doctor said they need to monitor her for at least a week, but we are welcome to stay as long as we want”. “Uph..uhh. what’s, who’s this?” I peeked over out of the corner of my eye to see my brother awaking. “Who are you”? he asked cautioned. “Well you must be Dakota”! “yea, that’s me”. I heard his footsteps come closer to me, almost like he was protecting me. “Well I know this seems as kind of a shocker but, we are your new foster parents”. The women said. “yes, we are here to take care of you two now, and as soon as we got a call saying that our poor little Sadie was in the hospital, well we rushed right here”. “So that explains the rollers, and slippers”? Dakota said with a charming voice. “Well I’m 17, almost 18, and Sadie is 13 almost 14”. “Yes, we read it in your files”. “ So did my dad send you or what?” “Well your dad doesn’t want you two anymore very sad, and shocked he was so nice and charming in high school, what happened Ted?” “I don’t know Tonya, I don’t know?’” He said as if he was disappointed. “Well I think it would be best if I tell Sadie, better chance of her no freaking out as much.” “Ok son, we’ll try to hold our excitement.” As they walked out of the room I heard my brother sat wake up in a soft, gentle voice. I felt his touch. Oh if I wasn’t excited enough to see my dad gone and to start a new life with a new family. Hearing his voice and feeling his touch was like the cherry on top. I quickly woke up. He started to talk. “Sadie don’t freak out, but good news the...”
“I heard new parents hope they’re decent enough. and have money on them.” Well let’s just hope and pray they’re at least decent enough to stand us. Oh happy birthday Sadie Marie.” He kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. I knew that he was cautious not to pull the cords and what ever else was hanging out of me. “Oh I forgot it was my birthday. when did dad and all the others leave?” “2 weeks ago, I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault, it’s mine, if I...” Then at that moment my heart started to race as the door opened. There stood two doll like people. Hopefully our new foster parents. Almost a look a like to a Barbie doll and Ken. Hopefully they’ll have the dream house and the super camper. only in a bigger size. “Hello sunshine.” It felt funny hearing that said to me. especially since I was all doped up on drugs and phenergan. “Ohh, Ted I just wanna take her home and buy her new clothes and decorate her room.” “Fine with me.” We all laughed.
2 months passed. I was out of the hospital and into the blue. Waiting on the couch for Tonya to come home. I still didn’t get used to calling her mom. she said it was ok after what happened to my mom and the possible car wreck. But who knows, I will never find out. 3 Years passed. I got a car for my 16th birthday, even though I wasn’t allowed to drive it yet, I was still fun to look at it. I am now 19, and pregnant with a baby boy. I have moved out of the house and got an apartment. Dakota is now 24 and has 2 girls. one Lillian Jane. she is 2 years of age. he also has a newborn, Veronica Michelle. The mom works full time as a nurse, my brother is now a tattoo artist. just like dad at one time. I have forgotten most of what happened that night at the hospital. I am in school to become a veterinarian. but I am also 6 months pregnant. The father’s name is Jason, Jason Still. I hope to finish school and have the baby safely. I hoe that Jason will be there for me, he is and engineer. but for now, I am just Sadie Marie Still. I have married. I am now 9 months pregnant at 19 years young. I want to keep this going, keep the family alive. We have decided on a name for the baby boy. Vanderver Valentine. Just like his Grandfather.