All Nonfiction Bullying Books Academic Author Interviews Celebrity interviews College Articles College Essays Educator of the Year Heroes Interviews Memoir Personal Experience Sports Travel & CultureAll Opinions Bullying Current Events / Politics Discrimination Drugs / Alcohol / Smoking Entertainment / Celebrities Environment Love / Relationships Movies / Music / TV Pop Culture / Trends School / College Social Issues / Civics Spirituality / Religion Sports / Hobbies
- Summer Guide
- College Guide
- Author Interviews
- Celebrity interviews
- College Articles
- College Essays
- Educator of the Year
- Personal Experience
- Travel & Culture
- Current Events / Politics
- Drugs / Alcohol / Smoking
- Entertainment / Celebrities
- Love / Relationships
- Movies / Music / TV
- Pop Culture / Trends
- School / College
- Social Issues / Civics
- Spirituality / Religion
- Sports / Hobbies
- Community Service
- Letters to the Editor
- Pride & Prejudice
- What Matters
Lost In The System
Chapter One- Beginning of Everything
I turned my head, the moon radiant and burnished, like a gemstone gleamed over my bedroom window. I was awoken by the sound of something mysterious; I leapt from my bedcovers and into the night. It was cold, so cold that it had felt like my heartbeat had frozen altogether. From below me was a sound it startled me I couldn’t breath I was hyperventilating already.
Where I live at this specific period of time, is hardly a home it’s just surrounded by a sea of cardboard boxes. I missed my old home the sort of place where it smelt of rich candles and my mum’s home made cooking, not damp and vile like where we are now. I’d always remembered sharing my childhood in the place I used to live. The memories crystal clear. I mean, I’d remember the county fairs and the countless hours I would spend just staring around at the beauty of my own wonderland. Even though I suffered from hay fever I couldn’t stop myself from staring at the colours fixed on the flowerbeds. I was fascinated by nature and the whole world; everything had a meaning, every insignificant flower, every golden petal and even a single blade of damp grass. It amazed me, I knew I thought too much about everything and anything but I couldn’t help who I was. I never plan to change either
“Lottie, pumpkin come here for me please.”
I waddled over to my mum in my nappy, she smiled, it was perfect we were all one big happy family, mum, dad and me. We walked across the fields picking blackberries, they tasted amazing the juices melted on my tongue and trickled down my throat, we always made pies in the summer the sort of special home made ones that could beat Morrison’s pre- made meals by far. Cathy patted me on the head, gently my dad picked me up, I squealed in delight. I craved his attention. I got very little of it but when I did it was one of the most amazing feelings in the world. He sat me on his lap and rocked me slowly, Cathy gave me my dummy I took hold of it in my tiny hand It pressed against my skin but I vaguely noticed nothing could rewind this moment, nothing at all.
Rain streamed down the window, dad had gone somewhere I was stuck in my highchair a screamed and whimpered at the top of my squeaky little voice, but no one could hear me Cathy was fast asleep. She said to me before
“Mummies going to go have some drink.”
I believed her, nodding happily as I thought she meant we’d have a drink together, like when we went to milkshake Saturdays down the road from were we lived, it was far different from that.
Since I was inside a house so unfamiliar, which was planted on the outside of the dreary coast; I couldn’t help but think inside my mind that darkness would somehow get the better of me. No brightness seemed to get inside my room apart from the moonlight fawning through my curtains. The light peeked through and set itself against my bed, I peered out the window staring at the moon and it was full and beautiful in every single way. I stood still listening to the wind it was whistling gently; the tress swayed gracefully with it.
Every Step I took lead to more sound, my feet clambered across the long stretch of
my bedroom. I reached for the door handle, but I couldn’t get my hand to go any further as soon as I touched the base of it I could hear breathing coming closer to me it leapt forwards towards my neck getting closer and closer towards my ear. It pushed me further and further grasping its hands around my neck slashing at me with its sharp fingers I fell towards to ground my head exploded I could feel it, the pain spread across my body like a cold chill spreading across on a winters night. I could smell the blood trickling down my head, it was salty and strong; after a few seconds a dark mist stretched across my eyes and before I knew it I was lifeless and unconscious.
Chapter 2 - Coma?
My eyes were shut tight, I didn’t want to open them I wanted to plant myself in my small fragile world forever more but as I heard beeps ringing at the side of the bed, I was somehow in; I couldn’t help but wonder were I was. Maybe I was dead; to be honest it seemed all too late now to be worrying about if I was breathing. As I opened my eyes I felt a sensation that I had ever felt before, my rib cage seized up and I gasped for breath. I tried screaming at the top of my lungs but no one heard me. It was like I didn’t exist at all. Maybe I was in heaven but the pain seemed to be more like I was inside hell. Suddenly I could hear something the sound faded and gradually got louder
“What!...you can’t pull the plug on her she’s my daughter… of course I have every right to see her were is she?.”
I already noticed who it was; it was my mum, Cathy. Every step she took made the floor vibrate. I’d known her all my life and she hadn’t been the lightest of people but her hugs were warm and comforting even though I’d never had the decency to admit that she flattened me under her weight. She stepped towards my bed and beckoned in my ear and said
“Honey, its mum okay? Everything’s fine you just slipped keep with me okay don’t give up, your be back home soon.”
I nodded I didn’t feel like everything was fine. I did want to give up. For a matter of fact, the pain was over powering and death at this very moment would have been a relief. But my mum thought otherwise. It was like I was imprisoned inside this small room, compacted until I vanished into thin air. My vision was blurred. I could see three rather bizarre men staring at me.
I closed my eyes and opened them again but they were still there staring at me and muttering under there breath. They all wore large white coats that blinded me, it seemed strange because it had all seemed to dark and to sinister but now I couldn’t seem to get away from their dazzling white armour. I moved my wrist admiring that I hadn’t broken anything a load scream came towards my ears; it hurt like a teacher scraping there fingernails against a chalkboard. Then soon I realised It was the nurses.
“She’s awake! Jane! JANE get over here! Call the doctor’s call the pain team! She’s awake.. I can’t congratulate you enough. Miss Ridgewood. Your daughter is out of her coma!”
“COMA!” I screamed at the top of my voice.
“Lottie!” my mum screamed back at me.
I didn’t know if she was yelling at me or she was happy to see me awake, either way tears spilled down my face. Carry went to hug me, I grunted and turned away from her.
Chapter Three- Somnio
I Shut my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but the nurses and doctors kept me awake by glancing at me every five minutes, like I was a miracle, a gift from god, but all I wanted to say was it was only me, nothing special, just a disaster on legs. The days passed slowly. As I got my strength back I eventually started walking again. By a month I was back to normal cupped up inside my House which I’d barely set foot inside.
This time of my life I didn’t want to even get up from my bed. I felt like sinking deeper and deeper inside my duvet until I disappeared altogether. Another thing that was getting deeper and deeper was my depression ever since that fatal night I couldn’t get the picture out of my mind. Every time I shut my eyes I’d see my murders dark eyes staring back at me. Above all of that, I had school tomorrow I didn’t want to even think about it anymore I curled up inside a ball and fell into a deep sleep.
It was silent so silent that could hear every breath I took. I edged towards a near lamppost and leant against its cold icy surface. It was like I was shovelling the air down my throat and yet I couldn’t breathe. Everything became darker even the bright light that came from the lamppost faded. Suddenly there was nothing but emptiness I shrieked and yelled and pleaded for someone to find me. But there was no one I was all alone and it felt like I would be trapped forever. Then at that very moment a beam of light centred the black hole I’d been captured in and there appeared an ancient piano. I walked towards. I felt its wooden sides fingering every golden swirl. I’d never seen anything like it in my entire life. The markings made my head spin it seemed all to complex. As I perched on the stool my vision started blurring, soon after I found myself awake. It was all too bewildering. I sobbed and buried my head underneath my pillow.
Chapter Four – A failed Attempt
My alarm clock buzzed violently, I didn’t really sleep that much my eyes felt drowsy and my pillow was wet I stared at myself in the mirror tracing my fingers across my pale skin and running my hands through my dark hair. I looked dead, deceased, decayed I was only fourteen my god’s sake! I wasn’t meant to look this dreary. I peered down at my wrists, they were skin tight; my ivory skin made my veins seem darker. Then that was all I could think about my deep blood pumping around my body moving in all directions sloshing against my arms, legs, head everything that made me human... But then what if I wasn’t human? What if I’d never existed at all or was I just a ghost?
I snapped out of it. All my thoughts made my head hurt; actually I was loosing my head. Edging away from the mirror I got dressed. My school uniform was bottle green; the colour gave my skin goose bumps. I tried to ignore my clothes and focused on my hair. Maybe I should stand out? Would the kids at my new school think I’d be cool if I spiked it up? Or would I look like a freak? I sighed and straighten my dark layers. I caught my reflection in the mirror behind me. I flinched, staring at myself what was I? And why did my own reflection scare me? All these questions were moving around my head and stirring into a giant mixture of chaos.
I couldn’t control myself I peered at the sharpener on my desk; the blade was sharp and pointed it was tempting me. Screaming at me to use it on myself. I took it in my damp hand and threw it against the floor. I blinked vigorously what the hell is wrong with me! Picking up the sharpener again it made a graceful exit out my window. But from down below me I heard someone, he said
I looked out my window I saw a boy patting his short head of hair discontentedly. I felt like laughing but I didn’t really want to I just shouted a lifeless
“You know, the next time you decide to neglect your stationary would you please not lob it at me.” He replied
I laughed under my breathe and shut the window.
I whisked through my bedroom taking my new school bag from under my bed. Inside it I packed a few items then fled downstairs.
I edged down my stairs, walked through the kitchen then made an outlet through my front door. The wind outside made my eyes water. Icy droplets fell from the sky and melted on my chalky white skin. I didn’t even know what time it was but I saw other people trudging down the paths leading to the school gates the same as I was; so I guessed I was on time.
Eventually I was at the gates, I stood still for a second putting my ipod in my pocket and placing the earphones in my ears for a second, loud music blared with an chorus of screams; it soothed my tension and I stepped forwards and flicked it off.
Five boys stood at the gates they all turned around staring at me. I froze, rock solid. I couldn’t stare at them back I just continued walking into the gates looking down. Then I clashed into something it was hard and brittle I looked up and saw a face.
“Sorry.” I squeaked at him
I didn’t even know if he could hear me. My voice was so muted. I found myself shaking nervously the five boys stepped towards me.
“Oi.” one of them shouted at me.
“Look- I-I-.“ I replied nervously
“You what.” Said another impatiently
I tried running away but before I could a freckled face boy held me by my arms and shook me frantically.
“Now look, no freaks aloud.” He said at me
I looked at him in confusion. He stared back at me his lips pressed tightly as if he was going to explode.
“Just let me through.” I said urgently
His russet eyes glared at me, uneasily I paced backwards. People were crowding round; it was like being in a wall of death. I pushed through the crowds of people and ran down the nearest path my feet could be placed upon. I kept running the trees passed by me. I made a turn towards to forest and trudged in the deep earth. I stood still for a second, breathing in the thick air.
Chapter Five - New Acquaintances
There was a sound coming from a distance it startled me at first then I realised it was a whimper. I walked to the sound, as I did, it got louder and louder. In the distance I saw someone he was sitting on a low branch of a tree. I looked at him his eyes were watering and his cheeks were red but the rest of him was pale.
He looked up at me then buried his head in his hands.
“Erm are you okay?” I questioned, even though obviously he wasn’t
He didn’t reply he just sat there quivering
He lifted his head, I looked into his perfect blue eyes.
“Oh.” he said
I smiled faintly, I’d never had the nerve to talk to anyone properly, let alone ask them if they were okay, He smiled back at me and flicked his black hair away from his eyes.
“So what brings you here.” He murmured
“Huh.” was all I managed to say
“Bunking?” He asked in his lifeless voice
“Sort of.” I replied
“You should go back.” He said at me sternly
“ Well why aren’t you at school?” I snapped back at him
He shrugged his shoulders and smirked
“It’s good to get some time off.” he said teasingly
I nodded; he wiped his wet eyes and smiled at me again. It made me melt inside; I’d never seen a smile so beautiful and pure. He patted a space on the branch he was sitting on.
“Want to sit down?”
I sat down next to him; he wiped his eyes again and blinked vigorously.
“So what was that about?”
He looked at me for a moment then opened his mouth then shut it again
“Look I’ve got to go.” I said
“But why were you.”
He stopped me there.
“ I wasn’t.” he replied lifelessly
“Whatever you say.” I murmured.
A tear trickled down his face, he was mumbling to himself. It made me feel at unease. What was I doing sitting with a complete stranger in the first place? I felt his hand lightly brush against mine quickly; I don’t think it meant anything. I just sat there staring in front of me.
“Look I really have to.”
I looked at his wrists red with anguish, red liquid trickled down his arms. I could feel my heart beat thumping through my ears what sort of people would do this to themselves?
Chapter Six - Lost
I tried to fix my eyes on something else; I don’t think he’d notice what I saw. In a rush I tried standing up but the world surrounded around me moved faster than I could manage. I was just stuck, frozen not able to move in any way shape or form. After a few seconds hesitation I stood up again and looked at him.
“I’m sorry I’d better get back.” I said
He didn’t answer me, he didn’t say anything. Not a single word could come out of his mouth, just awkward silence that filled the air. The air was cold I could feel my hands numbing they were scarlet against my pale skin. I could see my reflection in the stream running across the ground, I was whiter than before; it was like I could have been mistaken for a corpse.
I didn’t bother saying goodbye I just walked away, my footsteps pressed evenly against the ground as I paced every step, each one was like a challenge. I was so clumsy that walking without falling flat on my face, was actually a triumph.
I continued walking out the woods it took me a great amount of time to even find an exit but as soon as I did, I began to feel comforted by seeing my house, not far from, at least I had some idea of were I was. I carried on walking, even though I wasn’t sure were I could go. School had already started and Cathy was out work. I’d never felt so trapped in my entire life. In the distance I could vaguely see the school tiny bottle green blobs walked around in the playgrounds in little bundles. I took a step forwards edging closer and closer up the long narrow path, I tried thinking of excuses why I would be so late. I got chased by a pack of wolves? Slept in to late? Had to climb Mount Everest before I got here? To be perfectly honest I’d never been good for telling lies of any way shape or form I’d stutter uncontrollably, I wasn’t a entirely convincing person As I kept walking closer and closer to the school gates I could hear my heartbeat getting louder and louder. Thump, thump, thump, was all I could hear it got louder and louder, thump, thump, thump, it went again I could feel my heart rattling under my school shirt. I collapsed against the gates clinging onto each wire I got myself together and pressed my hands against it and pushed it forwards. I was lost as hell I didn’t have a clue were I could go. Anxiously I peered at the signs one said reception I walked towards it clearing my throat as I did so. Stepping inside I tripped against the steps stumbling across the room I found myself stuck in the middle I looked at the lady at the desk blankly, I walked up to it and said
“Oh hello I’m a little lost I’m err new do you know were my classes are”
The ancient lady stared at me for a few seconds then replied
“What’s your name, dear?”
Pointing at a timetable slopped over her desk she said
“Maths, MR2 it’s in the block across from here.”
So I fled to my lesson I went to knock on the door then a man stared at me and said
“Who might you be?”
“Lottie Ridgewood” I replied
“LATE!” he screamed in my ear
“Late, late, late!”
So I stayed there swaying my arms with nothing better to do, he stormed out, then eventually he let me in after many treacherous minutes of lecturing I sat down at a desk, got out my pencil case and focused on the board. Soon after the bell rung and I left the classroom just as lifeless as I was before.
I could see people gawping at me; a group of girls stood at their lockers pointing at me and sniggering, I kept walking ignoring their presence but deep down inside somewhere inside me it was eating me alive. I’d pretty much had enough of school I had about an hour left so I passed by the school gates and headed towards a bridge
Chapter Seven - Wind swept
The wind gently blew against my face, fresh water flowed evenly below me I could taste the fresh air on my lips. My hair soared in all directions it felt good, it felt different like nothing I’d ever felt before my fingertips felt piping hot the sort of hot itching feeling you get when you really cold. I didn’t care, everything felt so great it seemed perfect until a weird figure immerged from the fog it came closer and closer I stood there frozen speechless; I felt like screaming but I’d chocked on my own words. The fog eased up and I slumped back into my relaxed position it was only some guy walking past his boots made a clip- clop-clip-clop noise as he sped across the bridge coated in a thick layer of ice. I started to walk my way back home as I got to the door
I heard a voice
“Hello.” it said to me
I turned round to see the boys face he smiled, I smiled back, opened the door
“Come in.” I murmured
Awkwardly I walked over to the stereo flicked it on, the music soothed our silence
“So what’s your name again?”
I slumped on the sofa, he sat beside me
“And your name is?”
“Lottie” I replied
“That’s pretty” he mumbled
I grabbed the remote and turned it up
“You like nirvana?” he asked, stunned
“Yeah, there great.” I said lifelessly
He mumbled the lyrics, I started as well, he smiled warmly at me, I felt a bit stupid for letting someone I barely knew in my house he seemed half decent though.
I fidgeted in the seat I could feel that my leg was shaking. It was obvious he was all cool and calm, unlike me fidgeting nervously. It was just he and I alone that word stretched across my mind; we were alone and anything could of happened.
For all I knew he could be a serial killer plotting my slow and painful death piece by piece, that would probably be rare for like a fourteen year old kid well I didn’t actually no his age…
“How old are you?” I said
“ My birthday was like a few days ago”
This mindless chatter was doing my head in. I stood up and went to the kitchen I rummaged through the cupboards and got out some ingredients
“You better get home.” I called to him
“My mum will be back soon.”
“Err bye then”
The door slammed shut, I could hear myself sighing in relief, I was no good with guests at all. I fiddled with ingredients in the kitchen, the spoons, the forks, the obviously fake plastic bits of fruit lying in a bowl. I made myself a sandwich, jam with a healthy lump of butter, yum yum; I’d gobble it down piece by piece, the jam thickly slithering down my throat. I went upstairs into my cupboard room, did some homework and before I knew it I’d fell asleep.
The sky outside was orange; clouds spread across the sky like cotton candy, massive pieces moved slowly against the bittersweet sky. I went downstairs Cathy was asleep ,her legs were sprawled across the sofa, a bottle of wine stood on the wooden floorboards. The TV flickered in the background ,
Lottie has once again found her mother drunk , what a piss head
I turned sharply around staring at the TV
“What.” I mouthed
The TV turned to static
I pressed my face against the TV
You’re a mess look at you
I growled and punched the TV
“SHUT UP.” I screamed
A black screen flashed, it had turned itself off, I sat down staring at Cathy. I took a swig out of the bottle, shuddering at its bitter taste. I couldn’t bear to admit that my own mum was an alcoholic; I couldn’t bear that sometime some when she’d need help. I could feel a tear going down my cheek I tried to stop, but once I’d started I couldn’t. I collapsed against the floor hiding my face with my hands; I’d kept it in so long it was bound to come out sometime. I stroked my fingers against Cathy’s arm and slung a blanket over her. I sighed and went back upstairs. Ever since my dad had left she’d lost it, after years of waiting for his arrival she’d driven herself crazy. I’d got to grips with reality he wasn’t coming back and that was that. I looked through my CD’S, Metallica, slipknot, my chemical romance, iron maiden, I had tons of CD’s but I was never in the mood for any of them. I looked at my guitar leant against the wall I twanged the strings gently I could hear Cathy downstairs mumbling and fidgeting in her sleep so I put it back down. I sat in my room, trapped, silent and most of all hurt by seeing Cathy like she is its not right for her to be like that, what if I get like that when I’m older, what if I’m like her, a mess and barely a mother at all, I don’t want to have to be babysitting her forever I have a life to.
Yeah and what you are…is a mess.
I turned my head looking for someone to be there but there was no one.
Want to play hide and seek?
I could feel my hands getting sweaty
I muttered “No.” to myself.
The sound made me stand on ends. I walked away from the sound I pushed at the front door and walked into the distance, my school clothes were still on I could hear my shoes tapping against the pavement. I just kept walking I didn’t know where I was going or why as the streets passed through the corner of my eyes. I could feel myself getting numb, the sort of numb were you just felt like there was a just a black empty whirlwind inside you whirling destroying anything valuable in its path. I sat down on a bench I could feel my tears trickling down my cheek I looked up and saw a dark shadowy figure I could tell who it was, it was Ian.
“Hello.” He said to me
I sniffed and ignored him
“Just go away.”
“Oh what’s wrong Hun?”
“Nothing is wrong but nothing is right either.”
“Am I right?”
“No.” I growled
“Oh I guess I should go.”
“No wait.” I tugged on his arm, he then looked surprised
“What is it.”
I sighed “You’re the only thing I know is real.”
He peers at me, “How do you know for sure.”
I take a deep breathe “ I just do.”
He holds my hand gently in his and kissed my cheek, I looked at him shocked.
Soon after he walked away in the distance .I fell back into my feel-sorry-for-myself mood again and sat back on the bench alone and frightened
“This is my bench.” I mumbled, trying to amuse myself
I clapped my hands and twiddled my thumbs, eventually I stood up pacing back and fourth across the stone flooring.
“This is my bench.” I said again and let out a little giggle
I ended up walking back home I never realised how much time I had spent out, I walked through the door and I saw Cathy making breakfast
“Bacon sarny sound good?” She says to me
“You know I’m a vegetarian.”
She blushes “Sorry love, just toast then?”
I stomped up to my bedroom and muttered to her” Just wine then?”
I saw her smiley expression drop; I continued walking up the stairs.
I scrambled onto my bed and got out my notebook I drew two pairs of eyes, then a nose and a mouth with a cheerful smile. I grinned at my tiny creation its like its grinning back at me to. I could hear Cathy walking up the stairs I snapped my notebook shut and bunged it back under my bed. She opened the door and said, “Look, if you saw me.”
I held my hand up to stopped her there “Just get out”
Afterwards she then gingerly walked away from me and shuts the door with a loud bang.
I sit there blankly then soon get up to clean my teeth after I’ve done that I fix my hair again in my mirror and collapse on my bed.
“What a day well... and night.” I say.
For a matter of fact I hadn’t had much sleep, I rested my head on my pillow and closed my eyes and drifted off
Chapter Eight - External darkness
Did you know that darkness makes us tired? It sends of signals to the brain telling us to sleep, all I feel is external darkness that must explain why I feel so tired, so very very tired.
I woke up with my throat aching like hell’s fire, my eyes haven’t woken up properly and I can feel cramps down my sides nothing could possibly be any worse could it?
I spent another whole day at school it was the same lonely me sitting on my larry on a table at lunch , it was like I didn’t exist ; I was a nothing, a nobody, just a thing that didn’t mean anything. I’d thought I would have made friends by now but nobody seemed to take any interests in me, well everyone except Ian. I went to sit down at my normal place only to see him sitting there already. I darted around the corridor looking for a space soon after I nervously sat down beside him.
“Have a good morning.” he says to me
“Hm.” I reply as I plunge a spoonful of carrots into my mouth
“ Bimbos” he murmurs under his breathe as a gang of snobby looking girls storm past us
I giggle then soon stop as one of them sharply turn round to stare me. I stare at them back; my eyes glare at them straight in the face. They turn back round looking a little disgusted. I swivell round to look at Ian but he’d vanished ; I was stuck on my own again I sighed and stared at my tray.
When I got home I colasped on my bed with a sigh of reilf, school was finally over freedom at last! As soon as I thought I was freed from another embarsing day I could hear a knock at the dooor, it was Ian. I could see pieces of his dark hair pocking out the reflection on my front door window. He waited there, I ran upstairs to redo my hair then fled to the front door out of breathe.
“Hello.” I said as I leant against the door frame panting slightly
“Been for a run.” he says
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I say as I walk into the front room
“Before you ask I’m not stalking you.” he adds
“Well how can you explain how you keep finding my house?”
“ Ermm.” he says baffled
“Well?” I say as I tap my foot impationtly
“I saw you walking home.”
“Really now.” I say again
“If I was you I’d trust me or it won’t end up pretty.” He says pushes me against the wall
“Wait.” I say trembling
“What.” he replies
“Are you threatning me”
He then lets go of me and walks away.
I went back up to my bedroom and layed down on the carpet; I felt sick I didn’t know what hapopend but whatever did happen it wasn’t good. He threatened me, how dare he! I swung my arm angrily and wacked it against the book shelf, books came tubling down ontop of me I screamed and ran to the bathroom window, I leant out of it, should I jump? I felt adrenilin running round in my body. One side of me said yes and another said no. I knew I was overeacting but it was like he was all I had and now I was nothing to him. I swung my body out and landed against the pavement I could feel my head crash against it a black fog imerged infront of my eyes silence at last I thought to myself.
Chapter Nine - Slipping away
I could hear screaming, I opened my eyes and looked around; where the hell was I?
I looked up and I saw a doctor staring at me
“Hello Lottie.” he held out his hand to shake mine
I groaned and kept my hand still
I got out of the hospital bed and stepped towards the door
Two nurses held me one, one side and another on the other side of me.
“No!” I screamed at them
They ignored my desperate please and sat me back down
“Now you stay put.” One of them says as her ginger hair bounced as she talked
I got up again and walked out the door limping.
The male nurse ran after me and carried my back in; I read the sign it said ‘Psychiatric unit’, I grimaced at the word
“As I result of your attempted suicide.” The doctor said to me
He takes another deep breath and clears his throat
“We have decided to detain you here under the mental health act.”
“No.” I replied
“Under your own safety we have come to a conclusion, that you need to stay.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“ We do think so, I’m sorry.”
So they dragged me away, I could feel their strong grip wrapped around my arms, I felt faint I couldn’t belie it was happening to me out of all the people it could of happened to it had to happen to me. I was sat in a room, the colours were calming the doors slammed I was all alone I reached for my shoe and got out my razor and rolled up my sleeve. I leant it against my arm calmly I pressed it in; this was nothing new to me. I gritted in pain. I felt my warm blood spiralling down my arm, all my troubles had come out. I sighed in relief. I looked at the door, as it swung open I quickly pulled down my sleeve and hid the razor up my arm. It engraved up and down my arm. The blood seeped through my top. The nurse looked at my arm, his expression was unrecognizable to me. I just stood there looking down at my arm. He ran straight out I could hear him calling for help, bless him he was only young around in his twenties or something. I really had done it now, I’d got caught and for a matter or fact I was completely and utterly screwed; I looked at my arm covered it cuts some bigger than others, some really deep hacked in forcefully. I started to feel more and more faint before I could count to ten I was on the floor curled up and out cold.
Everything was dark I could feel a light sensation tingling through me, like I was floating, soaring, like nothing possibly could go wrong now. Could it?
I opened my eyes steadily; things were getting better, surely. I looked around the room I was in, it was different this time. The walls painted a crystal clear white. Fingerprints lay on the walls everywhere around me, anxious fingerprints. Some seeping down the wall, others dotting violently on the ceiling, I pondered for a second wondering how some even got there. I took a few deep breaths and as I did I saw the door swing open. I looked straight into Gerard’s eyes
“But how did you get here’s He stopped me talking there
I felt myself swing myself onto him, nothing could possibly rewind this but I was wrong. The nurse walked in.
“Who were you talking to my dear?”
I could feel myself stammering
“No one.” I replied
She nodded and walked out; I let out a sigh of relief then grimaced at Gerard. I could feel the palms of my hands get sweaty but I still fixed my eyes on him.
“What if she comes back?
He placed his finger on my lip and smiled
“But if she does.” I paused
“Just trust me.”
The door once again swung open with a loud bang, the nurse looked me straight in the eyes.
“Who’s with you?”
”No one.” I lied
I looked over at Ian through the corner of my eye.
“Sooner you tell me sooner they can go.”
“I don’t want them to go.”
“So there is someone.”
“Lying isn’t going to get you anywhere.”
“I didn’t say it would.”
She walked out again, I was fed up and frankly it was making me sick. What made me more confused is that she didn’t seem to notice Gerard standing behind me; maybe she was a blind old bat. I didn’t really care, why should I? She was only some aged nurse.
“So.” he says looking at me
“Confusing isn’t it?”
He nods and smirks
I remember saying I knew he was one of the only things I thought was real, but now I’m not so sure. I can never be sure of anything anymore black is white and white is black now. It seemed all too sudden but I could see the shine in his eyes. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. I could hear him breathing, slow and even. As he put his hands in mine, I pulled away a bit shocked. I looked at him.
“Sorry.” he said as he wiped his mouth
“It’s okay…” I said still stunned
I could feel my leg shaking and the palms of my hands getting sweaty.
“Look I really didn’t mean to.” he paused
“Scare me?” I said still memorized
He nodded giving me a look of sympathy.
I looked around me breathing in the thick air, I listened to hear Ian’s voice but there was no one there, just silence that filled the air. It was coming back to me the undesirable urge to cut again. All I had to do was get out my razor
Chapter Ten - SHUTUP!
It had been the past few days now, locked up and staring at these endless walls but I missed Ian more than home more than Cathy and especially not school but there was a part inside me that needed him. He was like fuel to me; the oxygen I needed to help me breathe it was like all hope was gone.
The door opened with a hideous screech .I looked over. The first glimpse I saw was black hair, shining glossy black hair and a mouth wider than a Cheshire cat’s grin.
“Hello.” he mumbled under his hair
I paused looking around; there was no one else just he and I.
“Is this a f***ing joke?” I said at him angrily
He looked at me, still grinning slightly from the corner of his mouth
“Why would you think that?” he said as he shook his hair away from his face
“I’ve been waiting for you.” I muttered under my breathe
“I’m here now,” he said cuddling me closer than I really wanted him to.
I growled under my breath pulling away from him and pushed at the door
“How the hell did you get in here?”
“I have my ways.” he smiled
“SHUTUP!” I screamed at him punching his smooth chest
“Woah, steady eddy.” he said grabbing my wrists to stop me
“Over these past few days I’ve had no one, can I elaborate that ian”
I stared at him
“How do you know?”
“ I mean, I know how you feel, sorry, I was busy.”
It was then I could see a glimpse of shiny material in his pocket.
“What’s that.” I said trying to stay calm
He looked at me with eyes I’d never seen before, they were filled with anger. Slowly he got it out sharp and pointed a knife. I’d seen one of them before. So many painful times. Slowly he walked towards me pointed it to my neck
I closed my eyes and opened them and said, “I love you”
He smiled, the kind of smile evil and impure.
“Do you really think you would have missed me now?”
I nodded and with a gasp and said “Yes.”
He pressed the blade against my neck, I didn’t understand how suddenly he could change his mind and it didn’t make sense.
“Is this what you really want?” he said looking at me
I shook my head “N-n-o.”
He dropped the knife onto the floor it crashed against it with a sharp metallic sound.
I flinched as it vaguely missed my foot. It was then I saw his eyes fill with tears. I was even more confused now.
“I don’t want to be a monster,” he mumbled
“I know.” I said pausing slightly
“It feels like I’m drowning in the water and there’s no way out.” He said sighing
I tilted my head in confusion
“I just get angry”
“And I…” he stopped there
He growled under his breath “I wish you would listen more.”
“Well that fact that you tried to kill me isn’t exactly appealing”
He let out smile
“It’s not f***ing funny,” I said seriously
“It’s the way you said it.”
“Should I go?”
I nodded angrily
“And don’t come back.”
I slapped him straight round the face
He ran out the door, it sort of gave me a feeling of security again.
For the past few days I just sat here, the walls, weirdly enough seem to be getting further and further towards me. If that isn’t being claustrophobic I don’t know what is.
I looked over at the door it swung open and a trolley trundled in
“Your lunch.” The nurse said motionlessly
I shrugged “I’m not hungry.”
“And I’m Mary Poppins, eat your food missy. ” he said half laughing
I ate a piece of celery then left the rest, he was still looking at me.
“I’m finished,” I muttered
I threw the plate, the plastic made a short bouncing sound as it hit the floor.
“That was certainly uncalled for.” he said at me
I punched him square in the face; it was then he grabbed my hand twisting it behind my back like I was getting arrested.
“Breathe.” he said to me
I’ll bloody breathe all right I thought to myself.
“Shut the f*** up.”
“I don’t need this crap.” I snapped at him
“I am calm.” I growled at him
“Not entirely convincing.”
He let go of me gently and said, “Can I trust you to be calm.”
“I said I didn’t want it!”
“And that’s fine.”
“Then what is your problem?”
“I’m here to help.”
“I don’t need it.”
“Just calm down.”
He was doing my head in now; I really really didn’t need this right now. So I waited for him to go as he plodded across the room and closed the door behind him. It all happened so sudden as the door began to close I opened it suddenly smashing him straight in the face. I could hear his face crunch. So I legged it, out the door and down the narrow corridor.
“Ian!” I shouted looking around
The nurses walked towards me in a fluster
“F*** off.” I said, but before I knew it I felt a sharp pinch in my arm and I’d collapsed
Chapter Eleven - Had enough
I woke up back in the room, I screamed in frustration. I was stuck on my own again. It was then the door opened and the doctor walked in
“Sit down” he said to me
So I sat down on the floor, stayed silent and looked at him.
“Hello my name is Doctor Allrise.”
“You have been making great progress and we have decided to submit you to a ward.” He said as he cleared his throat
“You mean I’m free?”
“If you mean out of seclusion, then yes.”
I nodded letting a smile slip from my mouth.
I got myself to stand up
“We will have a nurse collect you at one.”
“But I don’t have a watch.”
“At one!” he said as he slammed the door
So I waited and waited until the door opened but it wasn’t the doctor, I didn’t even recognise who it was until I saw Ian behind her. They were linked arm in arm. I could feel my heart ripping inside me
“Who is she?”
Ian just stood there, he didn’t even look at me. Her hair was blonde and sleek it stood in strands it looked almost backcombed; her eyes were darker than a black hole. You could barely see her pupils. I couldn’t dare look her straight in the eyes.
“Who is she?”
She tilted her head back laughing, it showed her white teeth.
“This is Fife,” he said chocking on his words
She smiled evilly at me, I didn’t like her one bit.
“You told me to go, so I did, now I’ve come back.”
“With a girl.” I added
He nods “Yes.”
I could hear her muttering under her breath
“I’m going to make your life a living hell.”
“What?” I said looking at her
“I said nothing.”
“You’re going to make my life hell?”
She smiles at me differently this time and looks at Ian and says
“Why would I say that?”
“You tell me.”
I looked at her; I could feel my eyes brimming with tears. I picked something up and curled my hand round the handle of it and looked at Ian then at Fife
“What are you doing?”
I looked at him again the down at the knife
“Put it down.”
“What if I don’t?”
“Lottie you don’t need to do this.”
“How dare you.”
“All this, look at all this and her.”
“What are you on about?”
“I loved you!”
“Yeah oh, why do this to me?”
“Just this!” I said pointing at her
“You not making sense, take a breather and I’ll come see you later.”
He nods “Yeah.” and he shuts the door behind him
I waited for the doctor to come; I guess it must have been one ish. We walked across the long corridor, I passed the gawping nurses and with a smile I walked onwards. Down the triple stairs. Up the elevator and across another corridor until I was in the ward.
He showed me around, the art therapy room, the beds, the ward itself was bigger than anything I’d ever seen before. I lay down on a bed, closed my eyes and daydreamed about a life I once had, I missed Cathy so much and then it dawned on me, why hadn’t she come to see me? I was on my own here. I was too busy drifting off in thought to realise someone running through the ward
“To the art department!” he screamed
He was covered in paint, head to toe. I looked around at everyone; they were all in orange jumpsuits. I always had to be the one who was different didn’t I?
Well I bet some of us had some things in common, for example we’re all completely off our rockers. The boy looked at me with his innocent eyes then spun round in circles. A nurse stopped him and carried him out. I couldn’t help but smile, bless him.
It may have seemed at this time all hope was lost, but it wasn’t. I could look back at this and think, hey I’m alive right?
“Oh her.” the nurse said as she shot glances at me
I frowned at her. I could hear someone breathing behind me I turned round sharply and looked behind my shoulder, it was Ian.
“You alright?” he said
“No I am not.”
“It’s none of your business, just naff off.”
I walked out the ward in a huff, away from him, away from the nurses away from everything. I walked towards the fire exit, the door rattled until it opened with an ear-piercing siren.
“Wait where is she?” I heard muffled in the background
Everything rushed through my head.
The hope of being me again…
But I was far from being free yet; I had a trail of nurses running after me.
I sped across the grassland and hid in a tree they ran past me until they circled round it.
“Come down at once.” one said
“Come down dear.” Said another
It was then I glanced at ‘security’, four big men all looking tilting their heads upwards, to look at me in a weird fashion. I could feel my leg slipping on the branch it dug into my leg and ripped my clothes. They all crowded round closer and held their arms out to catch me. I fell into someone’s arms; I wish it were Ian’s. I was back in the ward soon after. I sobbed loudly and collapsed against a bed.
“I wanna go home!” I screamed as I threw the pillows about
“Don’t we all princess.” said a boy walking towards me
“Stay AWAY.” I snapped
It was then he picked up a pencil sharpener from his pocket
“Remember this?” He said looking at me straight in the eyes
“No way.” I said shaking my head in disbelief
It took me back to the time I threw a pencil sharpener out the window
“I hit you on the head with that”
He nods “Yes, yes you did.”
“But how did you get it through here”
“I have my ways.”
“Who are you?”
“Why are you here?”
“Is this twenty one questions or something?”
“I’m here because.” he paused for breath
“I haven’t got all day.”
“That’s a understatement, it looks like your going to be here a very long time.”
“What would make you think that?”
“Well it’s not a good sign that you tried to get out.”
“It just happened.”
“Things don’t just happen.”
“Why am I even talking to you in the first place?”
“Because I can get you things.”
“Like…” he said as he reached into his pocket and got out a razor blade”
“Have you lost your mind!?”
“Maybe.” he said laughing
I backed away from him, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know him anymore.
“So why are you here.” he questioned
“That’s something I’ll never know.” I replied
“There must be something.”
“You tell me first.”
“Maybe I might.”
“Just spit it out.”
He mumbled something under his breath, I couldn’t make it out.
He finally said clearly “ I can’t tell you.”
I looked at him and said, “Okay.”
He looked away from me; I could feel myself sweltering under the heat.
He scratched the back of his head, a cool icy draft passed through my ripped clothes. I looked up at a nurse he had an orange jumpsuit folded in his arms.
“Time to get dressed.” he said smiling
“No way am I wearing that.”
“Well you can’t possibly wear those clothes on you now.”
“So get changed missy.”
“Don’t be a baby, do I have to dress you myself.”
“Don’t be a pervert.”
“I’m not, it’s my job.”
I shook my head “Try your worst.”
He sighed and shook his as well “ If you wear you’re clothes then I’ll give you a treat”
“I’m not some f***ing dog.”
Dylan walked to the nurse and whispered in his ear, the nurse nodded at him. I looked at them both a bit confused. He took the jumpsuit from the nurse and stepped towards me and put it in my hands.
“Please put it on,” he said giving me a cute smile
“Nope” I replied
“I can give you more than just a treat,” he said winking
It was then he kissed my lips softly, it felt different, it felt real.
I pulled away a bit stunned.
“Erm.” I said
He leaned forward and whispered in my ear “ Now be a good girl and put it on for me.”
I blinked a few times and said “Fine.”
He smiled a wide grin at me and shut the curtains around my bed.
I frowned and got dressed. I felt like a complete and utter idiot in this, but then again everyone had to wear it. I sat on my bed and drifted off.
“Hello?” I heard someone whisper
“You awake.” he said smiling
“What on earth do you want.”
“Sorry for caring.” he said as he tossed his beautiful face away from me.
I couldn’t describe Dylan exactly but I knew that his eyes were the bluest eyes I’d ever seen and his blonde hair was softer than velvet. His skin was mainly colourless but his cheeks were like he’d had painted scarlet paint onto them. He was like one of those old fashioned Victorian dolls. Everything seemed perfect, his hair, his eyes; even his nose was like some sort of craftsman had carved him beautifully
I could feel Dylan wrapping his arms around me.
“Err.” was all I managed to say
“Sh.” he said smiling wider
“I don’t know if…” I paused
“Shh!” he said again but a bit louder
“Do you have to imprison me in your arms?”
“Yes.” he said laughing
I closed my eyes again, I could feel my eyelids getting heavy and I fell asleep, almost instantly.
I woke up and I looked up at him.
“You’re still here.” I stated
“Shouldn’t you have things to do?”
“Take a wild guess”
“Well done… What’s your name again?”
He nods and smiles “Cool.”
I could feel him cuddling me closer, it was warm and comforting like something absolutely amazing.
“Mmm.” he said cuddling me even more closely
I felt a sharp shiver crawl down my spine.
“I don’t think I can…” I paused again
He slipped his hands in mine and said, “Just relax.”
I nodded “I am relaxed you…” I said raising my voice; eventually I stopped to gain my breath
“Your not meant to be here are you?” I said smirking
“Do you want me in trouble!” he said panicking a little
I smirked more “Well you make me seem like I have no choice”
He squeezed my hand “Sorry baba.” he said laughing
“I barely flipping know you.”
He squeezed my hand gently
“Don’t get grumpy on me.”
“I really am not in the mood.”
“Do you suffer from a multiple personality disorder or something?” he said smiling at himself
“Nope, I don’t suffer at all”
I looked at him
“Why you ask?”
“You were shouting his name in your sleep.”
I went scarlet; I don’t mean a little red I mean BRIGHT red.
“You don’t need to know about him,” I mumbled
I began to get a bit teary; he looked at me and titled his head sideways.
“You alright there?”
“Yes, just an old friend that all.”
I began to cry harder, it was then he sat me on his lap and cradled me like a baby.
“People say he’s not real,” I said sobbing
“Oh dear, come here you silly thing.”
He rocked me slowly; I didn’t even see why he should care.
“Promise me you won’t leave me, I don’t want him to come back.” I said bursting into tears again
“Why would I want to ever leave you?” he said smiling
I looked at him again.
“Please.” I begged
“I won’t.” he said looking into my eyes
I smiled from the corner of my mouth and he smiled back and leant in to kiss me again.
“Wait.” I said
He combed my hair with his hands
“Okay.” he said smiling more
I staggered onto my feet and said, “I need to find Gee.”
He tugged on my arm and sat me back down again “No don’t, stay here.”
“I have to.” I said looking at him anxiously
He stroked my arm with his delicate fingers.
“No you don’t.”
I looked over my shoulder to see Ian standing there. I could feel myself shaking
“Now, now, it’s okay.” Dylan said looking at me.
Gee crept over to me and placed a scalpel in my hand.
“Do it.” it he whispered in my ear
“Just do it, one cut is all it takes.”
“Do it! ”
He grabbed hold of my arm and placed the scalpel against my wrist.
“Lottie!” Dylan said turning around
I closed my eyes breathing heavily
“Put it down…”
“It’s not me it’s him.”
“PUT IT DOWN!”
It was then Ian vanished and it was me who was holding the scalpel against my wrist; Dylan grabbed hold of the scalpel and flung it across the room.
“How the hell did you get that?”
“ I… don’t know.”
He wrapped him arms around me protectively.
“I’m going to have to keep a close eye on you.” he said sighing
“I’m not your responsibility.”
“You are now.”
He kept his eyes fixed on me
“I can’t leave you alone for fives minutes, can I?”
I shake my head “I don’t know.”
He loosened his grip and said, “I think I should get someone.”
He sat up and walked out I ran after him and tugged on his clothes
“No, don’t, please.”
“Lottie…we need to get you some help”
“I’m fine, really.”
“No, come on.” he said holding my hand
I let go “No!”
“I don’t like it anymore than you do but we need to find someone.”
I folded my arms and shook my head “No, no and no.”
He picked my up in his arms and carried me out the room, I screamed at the top of my voice.
“Let me down NOW!”
“Are you going to come quietly then.” he said chuckling.
“Yeah.” I said blankly.
I could feel his soft hands around my waist as he put me down.
“Now… you’re coming?”
I shook my head “Nope”
He picked me up effortlessly “You need to gain a few pounds or something”
I glared at him.
“No I don’t.”
I closed my eyes
“What are you doing?” he asked me
“I’ll wake up and I’ll just be dreaming.”
“You think this is a dream?
“No but I wish it was.”
“Is it really that bad?”
“It’s not so bad if you go along with it.”
“Come on, don’t make things hard for yourself”
I glared at him again
“It’s none of your business..”
He smiled and looked at me I didn’t smile back I just stared into space and I was off in my own world, a safe place in my mind.
Chapter Twelve- Memories
A sea of mirrors surrounds me; everywhere I turn I can see my reflection. I see myself as I feel the air around me. A light seeps through the shattered blinds. I touch the broken blinds with my tiny fingers. I see the other girls prancing across the rickety floorboards. I stare at myself and look down at what I’m wearing. I hear the tune and an ancient lady perched on her chair, she’s frozen but she talks in her croaky voice.
“And, one two three four, tap, two three four.”
All the other girls dance in time but I keep my spot, on the chair by the blinds. It’s what I’ve always been used to. My place, my own air that no one else can breathe, it’s mine, it’s private.
Chapter Thirteen- Shout!
I could hear someone in the distance his voice was light and feathery
I could feel myself getting shook. I was back, Dylan looked at me with concerned eyes.
I turned away from him.
“What happened?” he said looking at me with the same eyes again.
“Nothing happened.” I said blankly
“Common, I’ve seen a lot and I know something happened.”
“So how long have you been here?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Just tell me and then I’ll tell you.”
“A few years.”
It was then he nodded and looked down at the floor.
“Right, now are you going to tell me?”
He held his hand in mine and brushed the top of my hand with his finger tips.
“It’s about time we went and tried to at least find someone”
“Please, no” I said walking in the opposite direction.
“Trust me, they won’t bite...”
“Shouldn’t you just be out of here by now?”
“Yet again, you change the subject.”
“Shush” I said sticking my tongue out.
He turned around got down to my level and kissed my nose.
“Just behave.” He said laughing
“I am.” I said frowning
The door swung open with a load-echoing screech. A group of nurses came in and looked straight at Dylan, he looked back. They hushed me away from him and pulled the curtains around the bed.
I could hear his breathing and the sound of his voice and the sound of clanging items being put down on the counter beside the bed.
“No please, no”
I just stood there blankly, lifeless perhaps.
Soon after the curtains where pulled open and he walked towards me, he was foreign to me the colour in his cheeks had vanished and he was shaking slightly every few seconds.
“Are you okay?”
He nodded and collapsed on the bed
“I don’t like needles.” he mumbled
I stroked his back as he sobbed against the pillow.
“It’s all over and done with now.”
“They make me worse”
“It’ll help you in the long run.” I said not quite so sure.
He growled at me.
“No it f***ing won’t, you know nothing.”
I raised my hand to hit him but he took hold of my wrist lightly.
“I will if you don’t calm down”
“You couldn’t hurt me”
I looked outside the rain was pouring from the grey sky, large metal fences surrounded the building, I was certain where I was now. I felt the irresistible urge to hit him but another side of me said not to.
I raised my other hand and he held that as well.
“You can’t hurt me.”
I went to bite his hand
I bowed my head in shame and mumbled
He frowned and kept held of my wrists tight and sat me down on the bed.
“That’s not very nice now is it?”
I shook my head.
“Come on, lets go see if we can calm you down.”
“You were ready to bite my hand, that’s not fine.”
“Whatever.” I mumbled
My wrists were starting to ache from were he was holding me so tightly.
“Did Ian tell you to?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, he’s not around anymore”
There was a long silence.
I flicked my hair into my eyes and hid behind it Dylan stroked my fringe and tucked it behind my ear.
I looked into his beautiful blue eyes.
He traced his fingers across my cheek, I let out a sigh. Dylan’s expression changed.
“Nothing.” I said looking across the room.
“Is he back?”
“Will you stop asking me that?!”
To be continued…..