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A Gnome named Dwarf

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There Dwarf sat, gazing upon the chaos that lay before him. He felt nothing but the throbbing in his
head, and the heat of the fires were caused by the elves onslaught. Dwarf stood, and began walking
towards the pile of death, that only the night before he had slept in peace at with no fear of the
elves, or even the knowledge that they were close by. Dead gnomes were strained among the
bloodstained field. "What a massacre." Dwarf thought as he walked towards cottage D to collect his
few loved possessions. Now that this sanctuary place was destroyed, there was no point in him
staying. Suddenly he heard a rustling to his left. He lunged back landing in a crouch fists clenched
in preparation to punch the new comer right in the neck. His eyes flew towards the source of the
sound and met two yellow flames. "..........Meow" "Stupid cat" Dwarf said as he stood, never taking
his eyes of the cat. It was the head councilor's cat. He was perched on his master, as if it was
protecting his corps from any further harm. As soon as Dwarf saw his fallen gnome he remembered all
the kindness his superior had shown him. His eyes began to water, his face became red with a feeling
he had felt before but couldn't place where. His mouth opened and...... "AAACHHOOOOOOOO!" It was his
allergies, "stupid cat" he said again. He turned and started to walk away. "I am not stupid" "Never
said you were, I called the caaaa... Who in the name of the sock puppet said that?" Again he turned
and crouched ready to punch someone in the neck. His eyes connected with RRRRR, which was the name
of the counselors cat, as he stared in disbelief. "I did, and I am not stupid" said RRRRR
"............... Cats can't talk," said Dwarf. "And in the real world gnomes, especially ones named
Dwarf, don't exist do they? or elves? But the sock puppet said I can talk in this story and so talk
I shall." "Fair enough." "I know," RRRRR said, very much like a cocky cat, which was precisely what
he was. "By the way you have the most unusual, confusing, flat out dumb name I have ever heard. A
gnome named Dwarf, I mean your mom must have been smoking socks! And why are you in such a awkward
position?" Dwarf now realizing that he was still crouched, ready to punch someone in the neck.
Feeling rather foolish and not wanting to talk to the cocky cat. Looked the cat square in the eyes
and said. ".............." This is short for nothing. And punched the kitty in the neck. "WHAT THE
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL-O." (Censored for the sock puppets teacher.) And with that bolted away.
"AACHHOOOOOOOO" sniffle sniffle "stupid cat." The fact was that Dwarfs mom was smoking socks when
she named him, and as a result Dwarf was born with an addiction to them. But you will learn more of
that later in the story. Moments later he was at Cottage D. He walked quickly to the chest in the
corner and threw it open. Shock swept over his face followed instantly by rage. The one thing that
had ever given him joy in his short life was gone, taken from him by those cookie baking elf's to be
returned to thier rightful owners. The socks, were gone.











PART ONE A gnome named Dwarf In the dark Dwarf crouched in the bushes of Bricknav Boulevard,
watching, and waiting. A taxi pulled up to number 553 and a short, slightly round man stepped out
and slowly walked towards his door. "Got him." Dwarf whispered. The taxi pulled away right as the
man reached his front steps. Dwarf Bolted across the street. The man unlocked his door as dwarf
climbed his way up the stairs and as the door was closing he sprang inside. The man didn't even
notice as he slumped up the stairs to his bed. "This is to easy." Said the three inch gnome. (At
this point in the story I would like to clear a few things up. First of all my main characters name
is Dwarf, however he is of the gnome race, I tell you this again for the people who didn't catch
that the first time I said it. Secondly the average gnome is really only three inches tall and the
only reason there statues are bigger then that is so people don't step on them in other peoples
yards and hurt their feet. The third thing is that every time you read stuff that is italicized it
is me clearing things up or stating my opinion, me being the sock puppet and author of this story.
Okay now that I got that out back to the story.) Dwarf walked down the long hall. "Living room,
bathroom, small innocent girls room." He named off as he passed the different sections of the house,
he had been here before. He stopped at the last door that was left slightly ajar. He stepped in and.
"Yes." He said with a sinister grin. He was in the laundry room. He ran to the dryer and pried
the door open with a tool that looked a lot like a fish hook. "SOCKS!" He screamed as he jumped
into the mountain of cloths that quickly swallowed him. Thirty long seconds passed without a sound
from the mountain. Suddenly a fist exploded from the heap, white knuckles clutching the rim of one
perfectly white sock. Dwarf quickly threw the sock out of the open dryer door and swiftly jumped
after it. Once on the ground he rolled the sock up, much like you or me would roll up a sleeping
bag, tucked it under his arm, and left the house. Once on the street he walked back to his hiding
spot in the bushes, opened a secret latch disguised as a leaf and jumped inside. "WEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The gnome said as he slid down the giant slide to his lire. He didn't get any satisfaction out of
going down the slide, but he knew from years of watching humans that when you go down a slide you
say. "WEEEEEEEEEE!" Even if it is not fun. Plop. He landed in a dark room. From somewhere in the
darkness came a very high pitched annoying voice. "Hello there Dwarf." "Who is there?" Demanded
dwarf, perplexed that someone was in his secret liar that only he knew about. And that someone's
voice sounded strangely familiar. "My dear Dwarf, who is a gnome, do you not know the voice, of the
face of gnomes." The voice asked. "No. Not you how." Whispered Dwarf stunned. "Yes it is me." The
lights burned to life. "The Travelocity gnome, and your king." "Found the light switch." Said a
deep dumb sounding voice. "Haha, you will never guess where it was. Well guess......." "Please don't
tell me that is Dub." Whined Dwarf. Dub was Dwarf's brother, he was more heavily affected by there
moms constant sock smoking. His full name was Dumb Ugly Baby, but no one called him that due to the
fact that it was so long. Also Dub would always ask whoever called him by his first name, what a
baby was. And if that wasn't awkward enough he would always follow up with were do the come from,
this is not a conversation most people want to get into with a fully grown gnome. Dwarfs fears were
confirmed as he turned and found himself face to face with Dub. "Haha, It was on the wall by all
these socks," said Dub, not waiting for anyone to answer. "Yes it is your brother Dub." Said the
Travelocity gnome. "As you can clearly see he is no longer addicted to socks thanks to my
rehabilitation center." "Rehabilitation center?" "Yes, for gnomes that are addicted to socks." Said
the Travelocity gnome, with great pride in his voice. "But it is scientifically proven that socks
are not harmful to your health!" Exploded Dwarf. "All they do is make you feel happy. They were
never even illegal until you inherited the thrown. In fact, in the past, many gnome kings did
nothing but smoked socks throughout their entire rein! That is why it is a law for all of us gnomes
to wear these stupid hats." "Yes yes, this is very true. But that was before those pesky elves
decided to put themselves on the map with those accursed cookies." ".............. I have two
questions." Stated Dwarf. "The first is what does accursed mean? Because if it means delicious, or
wonderful, or mouthwatering. Then you are absolutely right, they are accursed cookies." He knew very
well what accursed meant. However he also knew how mad the Travelocity gnome got when anyone ever
complemented the elf's cookies. "WHAT! You don't know what!...... You think it means!....... It
means damned!" "I see." Said Dwarf with a a smug grin on his face. "Then why didn't you just say
so?" "Because cursing is.... O forget it. What was your second question?" Composing himself once
again. Dwarfs grin quickly disappeared, replaced by an expression of genuine confusion. "What does
my smoking habits have to do with the elf's cookies?" "Well sense that stupid king of there's." "You
mean the Keebler elf?" Dwarf blurted, cutting off the gnome king, his smug grin quickly returning.
The mention of the Keebler elf's name got the Travelocity gnome mad faster then Michael Phelps can
swim the mile. (Which he probably could do in under fifteen seconds. In my opinion, he is a high
bred dolphin disguised as a human. I have not yet found out why he would disguise himself as a human
thou. But will in time.) "You know that hate that name!" "What name? O I remember the Keebler elf's
name. I am sorry I will try to remember to never say the Keebler elf's name in your presence."
"YAAAAAA!" screamed the Travelocity gnome. "I HATE" "Everything about you, why do I love you."
Dwarf quickly sprang into song. "AND NO SINGING THREE DAYS GRACE WHEN I AM TRING TO MAKE A POINT! I
AM YOUR KING!" Screamed the Travelocity gnome, face red with anger. "Somebody has a stick up there
butt." Whispered Dwarf under his breath. "What? O never mind, anyways as I was saying, sense that
stupid king of there's started baking those cookies. More and more people have lost there respect
for us, I mean when is the last time you saw someone with a gnome statue on there lawn?" Dub quickly
cut in. "I saw one on the crazy cat ladies lawn yesterday. I put it there myself, his name is
char...." Dwarf, not in the mood to listen to Dubs mindless rambling, quickly cut him off "That
doesn't explain why I can't smoke my socks in peace anymore." "Patience you must have if answers
you seek." Said the Travelocity gnome, in the worst Yoda voice imaginable. "What?" Questioned Dwarf.
"I am being wise don't interrupt." Snapped the king. "Anyways with the growing popularity of the
elf's cookies. They have made enough money for there king to buy a seventeen foot, solid gold,
statue of an ancient Greek man. Can you imagine how much that would cost?" " Dwarf ended up
finding out that the king thought that some humans were starting to find out that gnomes were
stealing there socks. And as a result people started liking gnomes less and less. At which point
Dwarf pointed out that humans don't even believe in gnomes. And the king, realizing Dwarf was right,
got Dub to tackle Dwarf, put him in chains and put on the first flight to Rikca Tacka Michigan.
Witch is where the rehabilitation center was located.) Dwarf arrived at the rehabilitation center
the next day. And from the moment he arrived he was flabbergasted. The sky's were a light blue with
out a cloud in site. The grass was bright green and stretched unchallenged by weeds, all the way to
the majestic mountains. And the only buildings in the whole meadow were twelve little cottages;
everything looked strait out of a picture. It was nothing like what you would expect a
rehabilitation center to look like. He only had a few moments however to gaze upon what would be his
home for the next six months when his thoughts were once again interrupted by a hard shove by Dub.
"Hurry up little brother, Dub wana see da little kitty cat!" Dub boomed into Dwarfs ear. And with
that Dub picked his little brother up, swung him across his shoulder, and was skipping across the
field towards the cottages. "Put me down you idiot this really hurts!" Dwarf screamed at Dub. "Look
what I can do." Responded Dub, ignoring Dwarf's yells of protest. Out of no where Dub jumped into
the air and did a giant heel kicker. "NO!" Yelled Dwarf flexing his stomach in preparation for the
impact. Dub landed hard, and Dwarfs stomach landed hard on Dub's shoulder. All the air that was
previously in Dwarfs lungs now escaped in one distinct "Whoosh." For the next thirty seconds Dwarf
battled to regain his breath, while Dub continued to skip around like an idiot. "Hello RRRRR!" Dub
Bellowed. "It is so good to see you again my little kitty cat." Dwarf felt Dubs hands let go of his
ankles as he broke into a full sprint towards a jet black cat that looked absolutely terrified. "No
no no Dub, stop, put me down first." "O ya sorry I forgot." He suddenly stopped on one foot. Dwarf
was not so lucky, his momentum carried him over his brother's shoulder and landed him right on his
back, hard. "Whoosh." Once again he was out of breath due to his brother's stupidity. "I could
really use a sock right now." He muttered when he caught his breath. "Sorry little brother but I
wanted to see the." "Go away Dub." "But I." "Now." "Okay." And with that he was back to chasing the
terrified cat. Dwarf sat up and shook his head in a attempt to make himself feel better. (Which I
think is a very strange thing to do, and don't know why it is such a common reaction.) "You must be
the new recruit. I am Sergeant Rawr, and I am the head councilor at this fine establishment."
"That is a weird name." Said Dwarf "If I am not mistaken your name is Dwarf, is it not?" "Fair
enough. So what do I do around this joint." Sergeant Rawr's face turned to one of confusion. "I
don't really know I was just hired yesterday and they never gave me a job description. To tell you
the truth I don't even know what I am a councilor of. So me and all of the other campers just sit
around and smoke socks." "Really!" Dwarf exploded, forgetting his headache "Do you have any now!"
"Of course we stash it all in a chest in the corner of cottage D." "I will race you." "Your on."
And with that they were off.

Three days later Dwarf woke up with a empty head and a full batter. "Ugg, where is the bathroom."
Dwarf groaned to the chest beside him. "Humph, well if you didn't know you could just say so." He
picked himself up and walked out the door that was open to his great relief. He did not want to deal
with the stress of finding a doorknob in his current state. As soon as the light of the sun hit his
eyes he fell down hard, hitting his head on the door knob. The next day he woke up to a pair of big
yellow eyes. "Hello you must be RRRRR. Can you tell me where the bathroom is?" RRRRR looked down at
the gnomes pants in response. Dwarf looked down too, his pants where drenched. "Huh. Maybe I will
just take a walk." And with that he turned and started walking towards the mountains. "Wow, it
is amazing how heavy wet cloth is." He thought to himself as he slowly got closer and closer to
the mountains. About an hour later Dwarf stopped to rest under a huge tree one of the biggest ones
he had ever seen. "O my word." He muttered. "My head is killing me! I could be home right now
if that stupid Travelocity gnome didn't hate the Keebler elf so much." As soon as he had said it
five plump elves appeared from behind the tree. "What is that gnome? Did you say that your king
has a problem with are king?" "First of all, where in the squirrel nuts did you come from?"
"Why, you don't know the Keebler elf's fortress when you see it?" Asked the fattest of the
elves. "This is a normal looking tree! How in the name of Wilber would I know that it belongs to
the Keebler elf?" My name is Dwarf." "No
your not, you are a gnome I can tell from your silly hat." Said one to the elves. "No you
don't under stand I am a gnome but my name is Dwarf." "So you're a gnome that thinks he is a
dwarf?" "No! I am a dwarf that thinks he is a gnome! I mean I am a. O forget it, my head hurts
so I am going to take a nap. And after that I am going back to the Travelocity gnomes rehabilitation
center, that is exactly 89037 steps south from here. O ya, and to answer you question the
Travelocity gnome absolutely hates the Keebler elf and wants him to die." "Well he was
surprisingly helpful." Said one of the elves. As Dwarf fell asleep. When dwarf woke up he was very
very hungry and still a little damp. "Wow that must have been a lot of pee." He said to himself.
He looked down and saw a note on his chest. Seeing how he could not read he put it in his pocket as
he started to walk back to the camp, carefully diverting his eyes from the statue. (I am going to
cut ahead in the story because not a lot happens in an 89037 step walk. So enjoy.) When dwarf
arrived he just sat there, gazing upon the chaos that lay before him. Not knowing what could have
happened from the time he left until now. He felt nothing but the throbbing in his head, and the
heat of the fires were caused by the elves onslaught. Dwarf stood, and began walking towards the
pile of death that only the night before he had slept in peace at with no fear of the elves, or even
the knowledge that they were close by. Dead gnomes were strained among the bloodstained field. "What
a massacre." Dwarf thought as he walked towards cottage D to collect his few loved positions. Now
that this sanctuary place was destroyed, there was no point in him staying. Suddenly he heard a
rustling to his left. He lunged back landing in a crouch fists clenched in preparation to punch the
new comer right in the neck. His eyes flew towards the source of the sound and met two yellow
flames. "..........Meow" "Stupid cat" Dwarf said as he stood, never taking his eyes of the cat. It
was the head councilor's cat. He was perched on his master, as if it was protecting his corps from
any further harm. As soon as Dwarf saw his fallen gnome he remembered all the kindness his superior
had shown him. His eyes began to water, his face became red with a feeling he had felt before but
couldn't place where. His mouth opened and...... "AAACHHOOOOOOOO" It was his allergies, "stupid cat"
he said again. He turned and started to walk away. "I am not stupid" "Never said you were, I called
the caaaa... Who in the name of the sock puppet said that?" Again he turned and crouched ready to
punch someone in the neck. His eyes connected with RRRRR, which was the name of the counselors cat,
as he stared in disbelieve. "I did, and I am not stupid" said RRRRR "............... Cats can't
talk" said Dwarf. "And in the real world gnomes, especially ones named Dwarf, don't exist do they,
or elves. But the sock puppet said I can talk in this story and so talk I shall." "Fair enough." "I
know," RRRRR said, very much like a cocky cat, which was precisely what he was. "By the way you have
the most unusual, confusing, flat out dumb name I have ever heard. A gnome named Dwarf I mean your
mom must have been smoking socks. And why are you in such a awkward position." Dwarf now realizing
that he was still crouched, ready to punch someone in the neck. Feeling rather foolish and not
wanting to talk to the cocky cat. Looked the cat square in the eyes and said. ".............." This
is short for nothing. And punched the kitty in the neck. "WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL-O." (Censored
for the sock puppets teacher.) And with that bolted away. "AACHHOOOOOOOO" sniffle sniffle "stupid
cat." The fact was that Dwarfs mom was smoking socks when she named him, and as a result Dwarf was
born with an addiction to them. But you will learn more of that later in the story. Moments later he
was at cottage D. He walked quickly to the chest in the corner and threw it open. Shock swept over
his face followed instantly by rage. The one thing that had ever given him joy in his short life was
gone, taken from him by those cookie baking elf's to be returned to there rightful owners. The
socks, were gone. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

At this point I am sorry to say that the story must end for now. This is due to the fact that I have
to go to work, and this assignment is already late as it is, so I sincerely hope you liked it even
thou it was horribly dumb. And I also hope you reed the next book I am coming out with. It is titled
"A Gnome's Revenge." But in the mean time remember don't do drugs.

THE END, for now





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forever_dancer said...
Jul. 14, 2009 at 2:07 am
wow, that was quite intresting, i love the take on everything, it would help your writing if you explained things more clearly, and not like the is a "Narrator" telling the story....:)
 
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