(One day later. In Phoenix, Arizona.)
Lewis: Where are we again?
Christian: Arizona, dumba**.
Khalil: It’s too quiet here…..
Ryan: How’s that a problem?
(Out of nowhere, mafia cars surround them.)
Khalil: I told you.
Dylan: Duck before you get shot a billion times!
(Bullets are zooming everywhere. Ryan takes the wheel and drives between two mafia cars. They pass the cars and drives away.)
Mafian 1: Hey, their are escaping!
Mafian 2: Just as planned.
(The RV turns down a dirt path. After a few minutes, they stop at a warehouse. Everyone gets out. In the chaos, Dylan, Evan, and Christian take the left entrance, and Ryan, Lewis, and Khalil take the right.)
Dylan: I think we’re safe now. Wait a minute. You guys hear something?
(Christian and Ryan nod.)
Evan: Look! Up in the rafters!
(They look up and see Master Gulio smiling.)
Master Gulio: I see you’ve finally made it.
Dylan: Come on guys, we can take him.
(Dylan and Evan climb up the rafters. Then Christian gets and idea and runs to the back of the warehouse rafters. Master Gulio swings at Evan. Then, Evan loses his footing and barely grabs onto the rafter.)
Dylan: I can’t reach Evan in time. This is bad.
(Master Gulio grins and gets out his tommy gun. The the scene switches to the others as they are running throught the warehouse.)
Lewis: I think this is some sort of garage.
???: You’re absolutely right.
(A door comes up and reveals Sarah in a tank.)
Ryan: Oh snap…
(Khalil looks around quickly. He sees three guns in a nearby storage crate. Khalil gets the guns and dodges Sarah’s shots. Ryan and Lewis meet him behind a few crates.)
Khalil: Take these guns!
(Lewis and Ryan take the guns.)
Khalil: Shoot at that weak beam in the corner!
Sarah: Gotta reload...
(The three shoot the weak beam. Then Sarah shoots the left side of the warehouse to try to trap the boys, except they side collapses on her instead, trapping her inside the tank.)
Khalil: Now RUN!
(They run into the left part of the warehouse. They drop their guns, though. They see Evan, Dylan, and Christian on the rafters and they climb onto the rafters, and come across Master Gulio.)
Master Gulio: Six against one? Pathetic…
(Master Gulio pulls out a knife. Christian sneaks up behind him and tackles him, and throws the Tommy gun ins the air. While Master Gulio is trying to maintain balance, Dylan helps Evan up.)
Master Gulio: That was too close.
(Everyone backs away from Master Gulio. Lewis grabs the Tommy gun in the air. He aims at Master Gulio. Master Gulio throws a knife at him, and it hits the gun, blowing it up.)
Ryan: Gulio threw his knife away, now let’s all get him!
(Everyone all advances on Master Gulio. He’s about to fall off the rafter, and then Evan smacks him with his rubber chicken and he falls screaming, and lands in a trash bin.)
Master Gulio: This stinks….no pun attended.
Evan: Fear the CLUCK-FU!!
(Everyone jumps of the rafters and safely lands on the ground. They’re about to find the RV until Sarah shows up with two revolvers.)
Dylan: You AGAIN????
Sarah: Yes, me. And now I have you all right where I want you. Defenseless. You five will all pay!
Lewis: Wait...where’s Evan?
Sarah: TO H*LL WITH HIM! You five nerds will soon meet your demise! haha *c*cks guns*
(As soon Sarah is about to pull the trigger, an RV horn is heard and Evan is seen from the driver’s window with his rubber chicken spinning.)
Evan: DON’T FORGET ABOUT NUMERO SEIS!
Sarah: *turns around* AHHHHH!
(As Sarah turns around, she gets sucker smacked by Evan’s rubber chicken. But instead of knocking her out as planned….she gets beheaded. Her head flies from her body and rolls over to Dylan, Ryan, Lewis, Christian, and Khalil, who scream in shock. Sarah’s body starts stumbling and stepping and starts firing her guns everywhere, and the nerds are horrified of what they are seeing.)
Ryan: HOLY SH!T!!!!!!!!!
(The headless Sarah begins shooting her own head.)
Khalil: SHE’S TAKING BULLETS TO THE HEAD!
Lewis: OH H*LL NO!
Christian: IT’S STILL SMILING!!
(The body is seen accidentally shooting her own smiling head. The carnage continues until the body shots the ground making it fall. Everyone is out of breath and looks at Evan.)
Evan: …..I was trying to knock her out.
Dylan: Well. You succeeded ….let’s move on.
(Everyone looks at this and bursts out laughing as they all get into the RV. Khalil takes the wheel and everyone sits in their chairs. A few hours later, at the border between Arizona and California.)
Dylan: Next stop, Los Angeles!
Evan: It’ll be quiet without the Mafia on our tails.
Ryan: Want to tell stories on the way?
Evan: I’ve got one about a guy Ryan and I know.
Ryan: Michael? Oh, is this the one about him and Jordan? You keep promising to tell us.
Christian: Didn’t they get expelled for fighting?
Evan: Well that’s what they want you to think. But that’s a hoax. This is what REALLY happened.
(Scene goes up to the night sky and admires the stars until lower to what appears to be a house nearby a ranch. Michael’s car is seen entering a parking way.)
Evan (v/o): Michael was on his way to her house to study for a test together. But instead of material,, he brought something else….
Everyone else: Ooooohhhh!!
(Jordan is seen in her living room. Looking a picture of a Tiger, she appears to be….talking to it.)
Jordan (Voiced by Laura Bailey): Yes, Meow the Tiger.
(Michael enters the house from the bathroom door and sees Jordan praying to the Tiger.)
Jordan: Ponder the world. Dream big, and accomplish anything your sweet little whiskers desires…
Michael (Voiced by Travis Willingham): Are you talking to a picures or a tiger?
Jordan: Wha-? How’d you get in my bathroom?
Michael: You left the door open?
Jordan: How’d you get through my house?!?!
Michael: Good question…
(Michael sits down on her couch.)
Jordan: Whatever. You brought over the study material, right?
Michael: Nope. But I got something even better!
(Michael opens his backpack and gets out a satanic-looking doll.)
Jordan: Who’s reject baby is that?
Micahel: Her name is Crystal, and she doesn’t appreciate your slander!
Jordan: I...hate...dolls.. Where the hell did you get that thing and why did you name it Crystal?!
Michael: I don't know, Crystal is a cool name for a doll, and she just randomly appeared in my room this morning. Pretty cool, right?
Jordan: NO! Not cool at all! Look, it’s getting late, and I’m going to bed. You can spend the night if you want, but just keep that thing the h*ll away from me.
(Jordan walks off to her room and Michael just looks back.)
Michael: Gee, someone’s a sour puss..
(Michael walks over to a stand near the couch and sets Crystal down.)
Michael: Watch over us, my sweet Crystal! *kisses Crystal’s nose* Good night!
(The camera focuses on the doll and the lights go out.)
Crystal (in a high, squeaky voice): Nobody talks to Crystal like that. It’s time to have some fun…
(Scene cuts to around midnight where Jordan is seen in her bed sleeping. Then a thump is heard and she is awoken.)
Jordan: Huh? What was that?
(Michael is awoken and then sees something causing him to rush into Jordan’s room.)
Jordan: Don’t you get in this bed! Don't you get in this bed! Don’ t you-
(Michael gets in her bed anyway.)
Jordan: AWW GOD DAMMIT!
Michael: JORDAN! Crystal’s gone!
Jordan: What do you mean Crystal’s gon-WHA?
(Crystal is seen in front of Michael and Jordan with her eyes glowing and sinister laughter is heard echoing from her, then the camera shows Michael’s and Jordan’s shocked faces.)
Jordan: How did it turn itself on?
Michael: It’s just a regular doll. She doesn't have batteries!
(Jordan grabs Michael’s shirt and brings him close to her.)
Jordan: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?
Crystal: I’M ...GOING... TO... HURT YOU!
Michael: Please don’t hurt us, Crystal..
Crystal: What’s the matter? Don’t wanna play?
(Crystal jumps in Michael’s face and he screams in terror. Jordan gets out from her bed and runs away screaming. She’s about to go up her stairs. But finds Crystal...with Michael’s voice.)
Crystal (With Michael’s Voice): Play with me, Jordan!
Crystal (With Michael’s Voice): Play. With. Me. It’s. So. Lonely. Here.
Jordan: I should have known you were still a toddler! AHHHHHHH!
(Jordan runs back to her room to hide under her covers, but when she pulls them off, Crystal appears from the covers.)
Crystal (With Michael’s Voice): What’s wrong? Scared of a little doll?
Jordan: Michael. You are my friend! Remember?
Crystal (With Michael’s Voice): What? You’re friends with a girl’s doll? Aren’t you too old?
Jordan: GIVE ME BACK MY FRIEND!
Crystal (with Michael’s Voice): MURDER IS FUN!
(Crystal jumps on Jordan’s face. Jordan manages to run of out her room and throws Crystal over a table.)
Jordan: YOU’RE GOING BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG, B!TCH!
(Crystal has a plan for Jordan to soften up, and lets out fake crying noises in Michael’s voice.)
Jordan: Hey come on, I didn't mean it THAT way.
Crystal (In Michael’s Voice): I’m stuck in this doll and all you want to do is hurt me?
Jordan: Look, we can figure a way out of this, okay?
Crystal (In Michael’s Voice): *stands up* THE ONLY THING WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT IS WHAT YOUR TOMBSTONE IS GONNA SAY!
(Jordan backs away and turns a corner. When she looks back, Crystal isn’t there. Then, a rattling sound comes from the wall.)
Jordan: First the doll, now this??
(Jordan grabs a crowbar to protect herself and goes up to the wall. She hears something.)
Michael (v/o): Get outta here, Jordan….please….
Jordan: How do I know you’re not Crystal?
Crystal (in normal voice): 'Cause Crystal’s here to play!
(Jordan turns around and sees Crystal with an axe. Jordan jumps out a nearby window and goes into Michael’s car. She starts it up, and sees something that wasn’t there before. It’s a grave.)
Jordan: Here lies….Michael and Jordan?
(Jordan turns on the radio.)
Jordan: This ought to calm me down.
Crystal (With Michael’s Voice): *on Radio* Nighty night, sister Jordan!
Jordan: F@%# no.
(An small hand holding an axe comes out of the radio.)
Crystal (With Michael’s Voice): *on Radio* Sleep tight!
(Jordan snatches the axe from the hand and runs back in.)
Jordan: Oh Crystal! I want to play, too!
Crystal (In Michael’s Voice): Oh goody!
(Jordan axes off the doll’s head and runs back to her house and locks the door and locks out the window. She sees nothing and is finally relieved. Until Crystal, head back on her head, rises behind Jordan.)
Crystal (With Michael’s Voice): I’m gonna suck your soul dry!
(Crystal goes behind Jordan and several beer can opening sounds are heard and a sucking sound is heard and Jordan experiences severe pain.)
Jordan: AHHH! OHHH! WHY DO I KEEP HANGING OUT WITH THIS F@%#? AHH!
(Jordan ultimately falls on the couch and the camera zooms up to her hands as she seems to be pulled away and the scene cuts the Crystal sitting on the couch. Jordan’s voice is now heard.)
Jordan (v/o): What the? I’m in the doll now?
Michael (v/o): Oh, hey Jordan! Don’t you have the urge to murder people now?
Jordan (v/o): The only one I’m gonna murder here, is YOU!
(Crystal starts shaking as a struggle between Michael and Jordan is heard.)
Michael (v/o): WAIT! WAIT! I JUST WANTED TO PLAY!
Jordan (v/o): Yeah? Well, this is how I play!
(A snap and thud is heard, indicating Jordan killed Michael. She inhales in and out before realizing…)
Jordan (v/o): I’m still stuck in this doll? MOTHER F-
(The camera shifts out to a view of Jordan’s home before moving up to the night sky and back down, showing the RV where Evan is telling the story.)
Evan: Nobody knows what happened that night after that. Except for a rumor that Jordan has accepted this fate and now ponders the globe, looking for new victims to her newfound murderous and playful nature…. The End….
Ryan: Ooh, ooh, I have a story! And it’s a funny one. Remember Austin Lee?
Evan: Yeah. He went to Engineering School. Wasn’t he suppose to come back this month?
Ryan: Haha! Well he DID come back but….. Let’s say ya’ll won’t be seeing him at least….. Give or take….ten months.
(Scene cuts to a sunny day where Ryan is waiting at his house with a happy look on his face as he is hopping up and down. A car is seen parking in his parkway.)
Ryan: HOORAY! He’s here! He’s here! Welcome Austin!
Austin (from car) (Voiced by Troy Baker): CAN YOU SHUT THE F@%# UP?!
(The happy look on Ryan disappears. Austin exits the car and walks towards Ryan, whose grin returns.)
Ryan: How was Engineering school, buddy? I missed you!
Austin: Oh, you mean Terrorist Camp? Yeah, it was a delight!
Ryan: That’s great! *opens arms*
Austin: What are… you…. doing?
(Ryan walks forward and hugs him.)
Ryan: Oh! My long lost pal has finally returned!
Austin: Would you get off of me you PIECE OF SH!T?!
Ryan: *stops hugging* Sorry, I just missed you, y’know?
Austin: Yeah, REAL nice to see you, too, c*ckbag. *checks arms*
Ryan: Well, you must be thirsty. You want a coke?
Austin: Yeah, that would be nice.
Ryan: ALRIGHT! Follow me.
(Scene cuts to them about to enter the house.)
Ryan: I got the new Kombat Pack, I gotta show you, it’s pretty awesome.
(Ryan tries to open the door, but can’t.)
Austin: Uh-Oh? Don't you F@%#ing tell me “Uh-Oh.”
(Ryan checks his pockets desperately.)
Ryan: There’s no way!
(Ryan turns to him.)
Ryan: I think we’re locked out of the house…
Austin: You’re kidding me, right? I JUST got here, and yet the same old s*** is already happening.
Ryan: Calm down, they’re could be other options!
(Ryan notices doggie door.)
Ryan: LOOK! A DOGGIE DOOR!
Austin: Oh yeah. There’s no way you’re gonna fit.
Ryan: We’ll see about that!
(Ryan sticks his head through the door.)
Austin: There’s….You know what? Be an idiot.
Ryan: *through door* I’m almost through! Just-ah-gotta get my hands through and-get my way out! Ah…. dangit can’t fit! But this feels like I’m being BORN AGAIN!
Austin: I hope no one sees me like this…..
(Ryan gets out from Doggie Door and turns to Austin.)
Ryan: Well, the good news is, my family’s coming home from spending the night at my sister’s military academy, I just don't know what time.
Austin: Ohhh, so what are we going to do until then?
Ryan: You know, I think I have another idea.
(Scene cuts to the back of Ryan’s house where he is trying to call his cat, Austin is just standing behind him.)
Ryan: HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY! HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!
Ryan: HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY! HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!
Austin: *facepalms* RYAN!
(Austin catches Ryan’s attention.)
Austin: What are you doing?
Ryan: I have a cat, maybe he’ll let us in! Goes back to calling* Oh Creamo! Oh CREAMO! HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!
(Ryan looks at Austin.)
Austin: You’re talking to a cat. It does not speak F@%#ING ENGLISH!
Ryan: Well crap. Well it looks like we have some time to kill.
Austin: Oh, you think? Now what are we going to do now?
Ryan: I know! Remember that job I got a Powder Point?
(Scene cuts to them arriving at Powder Point amusement park in Austin’s car and showing a line jump pass to the worker and Ryan walking up to a new Japanese themed roller coaster.)
Ryan: Here we go!
Austin: Oh Hooray! More dump.
Ryan: It’s called “Sky Ninja”!
Austin: Oh, Sky Ninja. Oh yah! Who F@%#ing names a roller coaster F@%#ing “Sky Ninja?”
Ryan: Only the coolest of cool people! Let’s ride!
(Austin shakes his head and goes on with Ryan in the front row seat. Scene cuts to them going down a long way.)
Ryan: WOAH! THIS IS AMAZING!
Austin: WELL I MUST ADMIT! THIS IS QUITE SPLENDID!
(Their cart goes around a loop and then another one.)
Ryan: I FEEL LIKE SUPERMAN!
Austin: THIS IS ACTUALLY MORE FUN THAN SNORTING COCAINE FROM A HOOKER’S A**HOLE!
(They eventually go back to the entrance, resulting the ride is over.)
Austin: Uhhh…. This riding has gotten my tummy BEGGING for food!
Ryan: Well you’re in luck!
(Scene cuts to them going through a forest entrance and Ryan finds a donut on a branch.)
Ryan: This donut is on this branch for some reason, I guess someone thought a person would get lost here and thought this could help. *hands it to Austin* You want it?
(Austin snatches it and begins munching on it. Then Ryan realizes something, not before Austin speaks.)
Austin: This tastes funny…
Ryan: OOH! They were trick donuts,
(Austin gets a disgusted and shocked look.)
Ryan: I poisoned them to get rid of the park’s recent bear problem!
(Austin begins to cough up chewed-up donut.)
Austin: *coughs and vomits* sonofab!tch! *coughs again and chocks*
Ryan: AUSTIN! ARE YOU OKAY?!
(Austin falls dead.)
Ryan: I didn’t know it would kill people!
(Camera shows dead Austin again.)
Ryan: Oh man I wish there was something I could do. *Ryan notices something* Wait a second!
(Ryan pulls out his necklace that has his house key.)
Ryan: I forgot my necklace is my house key,..... I’m such a silly goose!
(As Ryan skips of sing “Silly Goose, Silly Goose, Silly, Silly, Goose!” The camera moves to show Austin’s dead body once again before cutting back to the RV with Ryan telling the story.)
Ryan: So, what’d you think?
Dylan: Were you high?
Khalil: Only a little while longer and we’ll be at Los Angeles.
Dylan: I never been there, this is pretty exciting!
Lewis: We can dine in Hell’s Kitchen!
Evan: There are a lot of shopping malls there. Perhaps we could get costumes for the convention and maybe some fancy stuff with the prize money!
Ryan: *in high singsong voice* I’M SO FANCY! YOU ALREADY KNOW! I”M IN THE FAST-
Dylan *to Evan*: Alright, who let him take those pills we saw on the street?
(Christian gets a banana and shoves it in Ryan’s mouth.)
Lewis: Thank you.
Khalil: Look to the right!
(They see a sign that says: Los Angeles 17 Miles)
Evan: I can’t wait to dine at Hell’s Kitchen!
Khalil: Don’t be so satanic.
Evan: Hey. Gordon Ramsay's like the devil. So mean and gets red real fast, THAT’S why it’s called that.
Ryan: *is seen on RV Laptop.* YES!
Dylan: What is it?
Ryan: I JUST WON A DATE WITH THIS SUPER HOT GIRL!
Christian: How much did you pay her?
Ryan: It was a random drawing, I entered while Evan was fighting. All I hope is that I don't jizz in my pants when I’m talking to her.
Dylan: Where are you meeting her?
Ryan: Tomorrow afternoon on Skype. I need you guys outside while this is happening.
Khalil: So we don’t see you jizz your pants?
(Cuts to the outside of the RV where everyone is heard laughing, then we cut to a scene where the RV is seen in a Papa's Pancakeria parking spot and everyone is sleeping…. until a loud fart is heard.)
Lewis: OH MY GOD, WHO THE HELL?
Evan: Not me.
Dylan: Me nether.
Khalil: It’s gotta be Christian.
Christian: Why me?
Khalil: It’s always you!
Christian: So I did on the first few days, but I swear it wasn’t me this time!
Evan: Then who did?
Ryan: Actually…. that was me….
(Everyone makes remarks on Ryan’s gas attack and the camera shifts towards the moon and zooms up to it.)