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Alphonse didn’t know & frankly, couldn’t care less

Scene 1: (Setting: Alphonse’s study)
(Narrator is standing with his/her arms folded in the center)
Narrator:
Good day ladies, gentlemen, children, old age pensioners, hobos, aliens, zombies, chickens and whoever else has bothered to show up to this less than average premier of a less than average documentary about…(checks ‘script’)… err, give me a sec… hmm… internet safety! I am your narrator, see I’ve got a suit, (points at smart clothes) so there to everyone in Narrator College who thought I’d never narrate semi-professionally! (Sticks out tongue at camera)
(Narrator walks across the study & stops next to Alphonse.)
Narrator:
This is Alphonse Squiccipoponi, your average e-creep.
Alphonse:
Oooooohhh I will like your status, I will comment on your status, (dramatically) I will pin your status on my wall and-

Narrator:
Alright he’s not the best e-creep but he is the only one we could afford. Well anyway right now he’s stalking a girl going by the username ‘KikiKittenSparkle1181’.
Alphonse:
Hee-Hee! PinkFluffyUnitardsDancingOnRainbows says: I LOVE UNITARDS!!!! Smiley face, LOL!
Narrator:
You are probably asking: why is Alphonse’s username ‘PinkFluffyUnitardsDancingOnRainbows’? Well, as you know, Alphonse is an e-creep, part of the Secret Society of Universal Creepos: Cyber Section; or as it’s wider known S.S.U.C.C.S., in the not-so-super-stalker regiment. The only other person in said regiment was Jeromee La Papaya, Alphonse’s arch-nemesis who stole his idea for his username ‘PinkFluffyUnicornsDancingOnRainbows’. Which, to conclude, is why Alphonse’s username is ‘PinkFluffyUnitardsDancingOnRainbows’. And if that didn’t answer any of your questions, well, you sure are stupid!
Alphonse:
Hee-Hee! PinkFluffyUnitardsDancingOnRainbows says: Send me a photo of you! LOL, smiley face!!! Hee-Heee! E-creeping is so much FUN!!!
(Narrator walks away from Alphonse back to their original spot)
Narrator:
Let us leave Alphonse for now; I’m sure that you are more than excited to see who ‘KikiKittenSparkle1181’ really is. What, you’re not? Well, neither am I really but in order to make this lousy documentary the producers said it was Kiki or bust, no money for me. (Pauses) What?! (Points at camera) Did one of you just say ‘good’?! Oh, if I get my hands on you I’ll… (Looks to the right)… Oh, erm, Ms./Mr. Director… What?... No! I wasn’t harassing the audience! (Glares at cameraman) Was I Bill? ... (Turns back to the right) Yes…Yes, I swear it’ll never happen again! Thank you. (Immediately turns back to face the cameraman) Well, what are you waiting for?! Move to the next scene!
Scene 2: (Setting: a bedroom)
(Narrator stands next to Kiki who’s sitting on her bed, gleefully texting on her phone; a dog/cat/stuffed toy and lollypop lie next to her)
Narrator:
Now, we can see the wild Kiki going about her daily duties of texting, texting and… texting.
Jeromee (as Kiki):
OMG! My boyfriend just texted me, again! (giggles stupidly) What?! He wants a photo of me?! (to dog/cat/toy) Do you know what this means Booboo?! (giggles stupidly) You guessed it, it’s SELFIE TIME!!!! (giggles stupidly) (takes selfie with Booboo & lollypop)
Narrator:
Yes, now, as you’ve probably guessed, Kiki doesn’t know who Alphonse is, and if she does, she must have a horrible taste in men. (Shudders and wretches) Well, anyway, she and Alphonse have been chatting on the internet for… (checks ‘script’ again)…about an hour. (Camera turns to face techie) (To techie) Wait a minute, just an hour, and she calls him her boyfriend, what kind of a person does that?!
Techie:
Um…A crazy person?

Narrator:
Good answer, you should be promoted. (Camera turns back to Jeromee and narrator) Well, as you can see, these two crazy weirdos are in a rather rushed internet relationship and I think you can tell what’s going to happen next, and if you don’t, you all must be complete and utter imbeciles, unlike me, of course.
(Narrator walks off; camera zooms in on Jeromee’s phone with a message saying ‘Give me ur phone number so I can call you! <3 <3 <3 ;)’, Jeromee answers with ‘OK Baby, anything for you! ;) <3’)
(Montage to ‘I’m a crazy weirdo’; Alphonse and Jeromee talk on the phone)
Scene 3: (Setting: Alphonse’s study and split screen to Jeromee’s bedroom)
Alphonse:
(Talking on phone) You know, for this past hour, thirty minutes and approximately fifty-three seconds, I feel like we’ve really bonded, Kiki, will you meet me in the park today at exactly 3 p.m.?
Jeromee:
Oh Alphonse, YES, I WILL MARRY YOU!!!
Alphonse:
Um, I just asked you to meet me at the park, not to marry you.
Jeromee:
Sure baby! (Blows kiss to the phone and terminates phone call)
(In Alphonse’s room)
(Narrator walks back on-camera, holding a coffee mug)
Narrator:
(To techie) So, when will we start filming again?
Techie:
Um, we never stopped.
Narrator:
What?! I thought we had a five minute break?! Ugh, you techies are supposed to help me, I’m taking back everything I said about you getting promoted! So, what did I miss?
Techie:
(Files through papers on clipboard) Um…Alphonse has just asked Kiki to meet him in a local park, to which, she accepted.

Narrator:
Thanks, but I’m still going to take the promotion thing back.
Techie:
I was once a boy…
Narrator:
That’s nice. (pause) As you can see, Alphonse and Kiki have arranged to meet in a park, let’s make our way there and see what happens, or do you want know now, you know, so you don’t strain your abilities of perception to the limit.
Scene 4: (Setting: a park)

Jeromee:
(sitting on a bench, licking her lollypop, swinging her legs) I wonder where my boyfriend is, (checks watch) its 3:05, he’s like, five minutes late, but I know he’d never stand me up. Oh, I love him so…

Alphonse:
(Behind the bench) Psst! Hey, Kiki!

Jeromee:
Oh! That’s him, erm, I mean YOU!!!! Where are you, my one true love??!!
Alphonse:
(Behind Jeromee) Behind you.
Jeromee:
(Jeromee walks away from the bench, Alphonse follows her) Where?
Alphonse:
Behind you.
Jeromee:
WHERE????!!!!!
Alphonse:
BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!! (Grabs Jeromee from her shoulders and turns her to face him)
Jeromee:
Damn, you’re ugly.
Alphonse:
Good. (Drags a screaming Jeromee away)
(Narrator walks on screen)

Narrator:
As I predicted, Alphonse has just dragged Kiki away and I’m guessing bad things will follow.
(Hecta walks on screen, behind some trees, notices Jeromee & Alphonse & runs after them)
Hecta:
STOP RIGHT THERE!!!! (At which Alphonse starts running)
Narrator:
Whoa, plot twist! Who’s this guy then?!
Techie:
He’s Hecta.
Narrator:
Who’s Hecta?!
Techie:
Private Inspector Hecta Nectar Vector Victor Sector Procter.
Narrator:
And what’s he doing?
Techie:
Running.

Narrator:
I know that! I mean, who let him on set?!
(Techie shrugs)
Narrator:
Ugh! Whatever, we’re missing all the action! (Beacons to Bill who follows her whiles holding the camera) Come on!!!
(Everyone runs after Alphonse, Jeromee & Hecta, but after a while Narrator, Techie & Bill stop, out of breath)
Narrator:
(Panting) I’ve never run so much in my entire LIFE!!! Just-just move to the next scene, I’ll be with you in a minute!
Scene 5: (Setting: Alphonse’s house)
Jeromee:
You know, you were kind of cute when you were abducting me.
Alphonse:
Is this how normal victims act, this is my first successful abduction you see?
Jeromee:
Victims?
Alphonse:
I just stalked the stupidest person in the whole wide internet, didn’t I? (Pause) Well, let’s get this thing going.
(They stand in an awkward silence)
Jeromee:
What thing?
(Hecta breaks through the door brandishing a gun, startling both Jeromee and Alphonse)
Hecta:
FREEZE!!!!
Alphonse:
Who are you?!
Hecta:
I’m Procter. Sector Procter. Victor Sector Procter. Vector Victor Sector Procter. Nectar Vector Victor Sector Procter. Hecta Nectar Vector Victor Sector Procter. Inspector Hecta Nectar Vector Victor Sector Procter. Private Inspector Hecta Nectar Vector Victor Sector Procter.

Jeromee:
I’m sorry, but could you repeat that please?
Hecta:
No. Now, put your hands up, where I can see them!

Jeromee:
My HERO!!!
Hecta:
Not so fast, I said hands UP!!!
Jeromee (as herself):
WHAT?! (As Kiki) Um, I mean, excuse me Mr. Officer Sir?
Hecta:
Its PRIVATE INSPECTOR!!! Why does everyone think I’m an officer, can’t you see the badge?! (Points to an empty spot on his trench coat)
Jeromee:
No.
Hecta:
Hands up now or I’m going to SHOOT!!!
Jeromee (as Kiki):
But sir, this nasty man abducted me, can’t you see I’M the victim here! (Pause) (Jeromee turns on the charm) By the way, I’m Kiki Jones.
Hecta:
Is that so, Kiki Jones? Or should I say JEROMEE LAPAPAYA!!!!!!
Alphonse:
What?! I thought Jeromee was a dude!
Jeromee (as herself):
I’m a woman ya moron!!! How did you find out??!!!! I mean: What?! NO!!! I’m just an innocent little girl!!!
Hecta:
I’m warning you, I’ll count to five and then… BANG!!! (Raises gun menacingly & pulls out a pair of handcuffs) ONE.
Jeromee:
NO!
Hecta:
TWO.
Jeromee:
But…
Hecta:
THREE!
Jeromee:
Just…
Hecta:
FOUR!!!
Jeromee:
WAIT!!!!!!!!

Hecta:
What?!
(Brief pause)
Jeromee:
Sucker.
(Jeromee runs out of the house)
Hecta:
You, stay here while I chase after her, one false move and bangy-bangy for you!
(Hecta goes to run out but realizes that he and Alphonse are handcuffed together)
Hecta:
That conniving little e-creep! She must have tied us together while she was talking to me. (Brief pause) Well, what are you waiting for; we have to capture her!!!
(They both run out of the house and pursue Jeromee to ‘The Benny Hill Show Theme Song’; Music stops when Jeromee reaches a ledge, Hecta & Alphonse catch up to her)
Hecta:
Jeromee, listen to me; you DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS.
(Brief pause)
Jeromee:
(Jumps off ledge) NEVEEEERRRR!!!!
(Jeromee lies groaning at the bottom of the small ledge, Hecta and Alphonse stand over her, Hecta jumps down and handcuffs her)

Scene 6: (Setting: a room; Police chief faces Hecta and a handcuffed Alphonse and Jeromee)
Police Chief:
Good job Private Inspector Procter; in fact make that Chief Inspector Procter. Now, take these two away.
(Hecta takes the duo outside of the room; Narrator enters and Police Chief walks off)
Narrator:
Well, isn’t that nice, everyone loves happy endings, not me of course, but you know, emotional saps like you just… Never mind. But you should all know that this, by this I mean all the occurrences of the past two hours, probably-no, hopefully, don’t happen in real life, but the S.S.U.C.C.S. IS real so, I any shifty e-creep like Alphonse or Jeromee asks you for any personal details or just generally freaks you out, you should report it at www.thinkuknow.co.uk, or if it’s really serious, the police. Thank you, and good day. (beat) Oof! Thank God that’s over! Now, where’s my mone-
Oscars Official:
Hey you! Yeah, you!
Narrator:
Who are you and what do you want?
Oscars Official:
Just come with me, we’re going to be late.
Narrator:
For what?
(Oscars Official drags Narrator off-camera and into darkness where a hairdryer some quiet whispering sound effects are played)
Narrator:
Where are you taking me?!
Oscars Official:
You’ll see.
(They step out into an atrium; Narrator is in front of a podium/table with an Oscar on it)
Narrator:
(Gasping) Is, is this the-the…
Oscars Officials:
Welcome to the OSCARS!!!! It’s the Best Supporting Actress award ceremony right now.
Narrator:
Oh my God!!!! Thank you! Thank you!!! I just want to thank myself for my awesome work and my tireless attitude and-
Oscars Official:
Whoa whoa whoa!!! Hold the phone here! That’s not your award! It’s Gretel’s!
Narrator:
Gretel?! Who’s Gretel?!
Oscars Official:
The techie.
Techie:
What are all you people doing here?!
Oscars Official:
You’ve won the Oscar for the Best Supporting Actress, they’re your fans.
Techie:
YAY!!! What’s an Oscar?
Narrator:
An Oscar is a big, shiny, award which should have been MINE!!!!
(Narrator lunges at Gretel. Screen turns black with a message saying ‘technical difficulties please stand by’; Song starts while credits roll)



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