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One Mistake

By , roanoke, TX
I am a girl of 14 years old, I was walking with a group of my friends when I man and his small family pulls up and says “I’m James; this is my glorious wife Amanda and our son Max. Would you children like a ride?” Right away I feel uneasy but my friends pull me along and we get in the car. My boyfriend reads my expression and holds my hand telling me we’re fine. Then we all fall asleep except the man, his wife, and their son. Then I wake up in a small dark room. Even with the lack of light I can see…….and feel……and smell. I feel pain from everywhere on my body and a can see and smell blood everywhere. I’m soaked but not dead I should have bled out by now, there’s a river of blood around me. With all the pain I feel I still have many questions but the one that bugs me the most is “how the hell I’m I still alive?” then I realize it’s not my blood that I see. There’s a familiar face across the small dark room, a girl…..dead. I can’t be sure if I know her, there’s blood all over her and I scream at the sight of her guts splattered everywhere, I’m terrified at this point. I scream for help but either no one hears me or they ignore my plead. Suddenly a bright light flashes on and a tall shinny man with a blood soaked knife is standing across the room, watching me with a creepy smile. I know his face and it’s the man named James. I scream, “Where are my friends…..Brad, Cindy, Kevin? He replies. Dead! Except your little boyfriend, Brad. But my wonderful Amanda should be finished with him soon.” “Leave him alone you freak” I scream. I can’t, he’s my wife’s now. I burst into tears, screaming BRAD WHERE ARE YOU? Then I hear Brad next to me in the corner “Marry, I’m here with you. I run to him and hug and kiss him all over. James starts to walk towards us then picks up the head of the girl, I know who she is now and with fresh tears I weep “Cindy.” James leaves the room with Cindy’s head.
Brad gets up and hugs me “we have to get out of here.”
Marry: how?
Brad: I don’t know.
Marry: Brad?
Brad: (looking around) what?
Marry: I’m scared
Brad: me too.
Marry: over there I yell, there’s a vent. Let’s go!
Brad: Damn, I love you!
Marry: Good!
The two run to the vent and find another body. The body of Kevin, another friend. This one looks different, no blood and it doesn’t look real but he has been strangled.
Marry: Oh my god
Brad: (moving the body) sorry bro but we got to get out of here.
They climb in the vent that smells like rotting flesh. They see light at the end at fill with hope and they crawl and are in another room.
Brad: (to Marry) are you ok?
Marry: fine.
Someone walks in the room and they hide. It’s Amanda and she’s covered in blood. She sees Brad and Marry then she smiles.
Amanda: (soft and sweet) Children don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you.
Marry: (Angry) you lying b****. You killed our friends. You chopped up Cindy and strangled Kevin.
Amanda: (Angry) NO! That was my husband.
Brad: (soft) you could have stopped him!
Amanda: (trembling voice) No I couldn’t. He’s evil. He forced our marriage. I’m a slave to him.
Marry: (desperate) Help us.
Amanda: (bold) I will.
Brad: (happy) thanks
Marry: (nervous) how do we get out?
Amanda: (emotionless) you can’t.
Marry: (confusion) what? I thought you were going to help us.
Amanda: (sad voice) I will but there is no way out. James has the doors and windows locked with the keys on him. There is only one way we can escape, kill James.
Brad: we are only 14. We can’t. (Directing the question to marry) can we?
Marry: (strong voice) we can and we will.
Amanda: (excited) Great! Come on.
The three go to James’s room of torture and he sees them.
James: (fake confusion) what is this? My own bride against me. Never!
Amanda: (slightly crying) I’m sorry darling but this is insane. You killed so many. It stops NOW!
James: (emotionless) as you wish, my love
Amanda: (anger in her voice) don’t call me that. I despise you.
James: (slightly surprised) you do? I had no idea.
Brad: (bravery in his voice) whatever. Time to die.
Marry: (agreeing) yes
Amanda: (agreeing) yes
All three fun up to the man with knifes and he jumps into the air, hovering.
Brad: (confusion) how are you doing that?
James: (thick voice) you can’t kill me. I am a magical being. You will all dies painfully for this. Amanda! You will die slowly with my pleasure….my love.
Amanda: (pure hatred) F*** you!
Marry: (sadness) Brad, what now?
Brad: (sadness) I don’t know.
All is quiet. They are lost. Them James falls to the ground….hard.
Brad: (confused) what happened?
Marry: (also confused) I’m not sure
Amanda: (running to her dead husband) he has been stabbed.
Marry: (looking around surprised) by who?
Amanda: (emotionless) my son, Max.
Brad: (grabbing Marry) we’re leaving.
Marry: (breaking free of Brad’s grip) wait!
Brad: (surprised) what?
Marry: (running up to James, grabbing the keys. Then turns to face Brad, smiling) now let’s leave.
Brad: (looking at Marry) one more thing first.
Marry: (looking back at Brad) what?
Brad grabs the blood soaked Marry and kisses her with passion and force on her lips. They kiss for a long time then stop, look at each other with huge smiles.
Brad: (happy) I love you Marry.
Marry: (happy) I love you Brad.
They leave the dead James, his crying wife Amanda, and there hero, Max. They leave holding hands thinking about what they’re going to tell everyone. They are still smiling, happy to be alive and with the ones they love.


Join the Discussion

This article has 11 comments. Post your own now!

Nicole_03 said...
today at 3:38 pm
BradyLauze said...
Jan. 26, 2015 at 4:16 pm
Great plot idea. In contrast, the plot was very rushed, it seemed like you tried to portray the characters too emotionally. I understand that it is suppose to be read as a script, but the characters seem to have fluctuating emotions every other line. I know it is meant to be a short, but it seems like the characters were in the room for an approximately minimal amount of time before killing the antagonist and leaving. Another concept you must consider is the overall portrayal of love. These cha... (more »)
TabbethaKate said...
Nov. 18, 2014 at 1:16 am
I agree with everybody else. It had a really good plot line, but it was too fast. I'm not sure this works well as a play or script. When you write a play you want to make sure it has production capabilities and that the characters are developed through the dialouge and action. I think this would work better as a short story where you can go into the personalities of the characters with descriptions rather than actions. Otherwise it's very imaginative and I could see it as a full length n... (more »)
Anyuhhhh said...
Oct. 13, 2014 at 11:13 am
Dang this was a really great story, definitely different than the others. I like the plot line, but it seemed to go a little too fast. Such as who is Max and why is James a ghost? The characters were good but I dont really like how they were killed or why they were killed. The word choice and dialougue was great in a way where we could understand better and I liked how Amanda helped them. I would like to see what the police and others have to say about this though I wonder what happens next!
Julia C. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Sept. 7, 2014 at 7:48 pm
I agree, good plot line, but the characters could definetly be more developed.
Ramiro said...
May 8, 2013 at 2:34 pm
Damn, sick story but you shouldn't be happy in the end. Other than that, Thriller and a mystery
DramaMama said...
Mar. 3, 2013 at 3:24 pm
Crazy! Neat, but crazy!
chrissie said...
Aug. 17, 2012 at 7:07 pm
very interesting, but it goes a little too fast, so there's not a lot of time to comprehend whats going on.
Ramiro replied...
May 8, 2013 at 2:35 pm
I agree with whay you say girl
SilverSun said...
Apr. 30, 2012 at 10:50 am
Wow. Thisis crazy!! Good! I felt they shouldn't be so happy at the end though- their friends were dead!
totallycompletlyjustme said...
Apr. 29, 2012 at 12:46 am

left some thinsgs to be what's up with Max? and I don't really think the mom should say she'll help them so easily...good plot but work on the execution


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