Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

Hairy Potty and the Deadly Mallows

Custom User Avatar
More by this author
Previously on Hairy Potty; Severed Snake killed Dumb-as-a-door, and Oldyshort got the older wand, allowing him to use ancient spells like Abracadabra. This spell is a killing curse, making the enemy disappear into thin air.
It’s up to Hairy Potty to stop Oldyshort and his fellow Marsh Martians. But how can a slow, dumb, and arrogant seventeen year old defeat the cruel and merciless Oldyshort? Considering that Oldyshort is over 1000 years old and is only two foot five, Hairy stands no chance!
Before we get to that part, it’s just a warm summer’s day at Pigdimples summer school for dumb witches and wizards. Hairy Potty, Hermione Gardner (pronounced herm-e-own.), and Rob Weasel are heading to Professor McDonald’s to hide from Snake, his Book Readers, and the ghost like Dementeds, which look so ugly and messed up, if they give you a demented kiss, you are petrified for life.
They get to McDonald’s and get a great waft of grease and fast food. When McDonalds sees them, she cries frightfully,
“Why are you here? You should have used the drive-thru!”
“Well,” Hairy said, “I failed the grade, Rob was caught stealing and needed to be taught a lesson, and Hermione needs to tend the Pigdimples garden.” An alarm goes off and McDonalds gasps.
What is it?” Rob asks, “Is Oldyshort here? Has Snake found us?”
“No!” she yells, “The French fries are burning!”
Hairy and his friends sigh, realizing Prof. McDonalds won’t be of any help. They decide to take refuge in Dumb-as-a-door’s old office. When they get there, they are greeted by Dux, Dumb-as-a-door’s pet phoenix.
“Quack!” it says.
“Shhh! You’ll get us killed!” Hermione says. Dux gets an evil look in his eye. He starts fling around and making a ruckus.
“Hairy! Go get your boomstick! We can fly out the window.” Rob says as he checks the cabinets for valuables.
“No, no! That’s a terrible idea,” Hairy says.
“Hey, wait! I have an idea! I’ll get my boomstick and fly us to safety.” He says.
Rob and Hermione sigh as Hairy says quickly, “Ackio Firedolt!” Even a dummy like Hairy can fly the Firedolt, hence the name. They hear a boom as his boomstick breaks the sound barrier. They fly out just as Snake comes in.
“Jusssst you wait, Hairy Potty. We will catch you.”
Snake was right. Oldyshort and his giant graham cracker spaceship come and hit Hairy off his boomstick. His friend’s follow him. Oldyshort and his pet snake Naggingini land and walk out.
“Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Oldy, Ol-“
“WHAT NAGGINGIN?!?!?!” Oldyshort says.
“Hi,” Naggingini says. Oldyshort growls in anger. When Oldyshort starts talking, Hairy, Rob, and Hermione start cracking up.
“What?” Oldyshort says in a squeaky voice. “Not all masters of evil have manly voices! But still, my army of Marsh Martians can easily defeat you.
“Yes, but can they defeat our army of wizards?” Hairy says confidently. Both Marsh Martians and wizards appear. You can feel and even hear the tension boiling, or it might just be Prof. McDonald’s deep fat fryer. Suddenly, both Hairy and Oldyshort yell,
“Charge!!!” Oldyshort and his army rush at the wizards as Hairy puts his cell phone charger into a wall socket.
“Oh, THAT kind of charge,” he says as he pulls out his wand.
Many spells are sent left and right, including reductape, sealing the enemy’s mouth so they can’t cast spells. Rob goes around snatching wands (and money) from the Marsh Martians. Hermione pulls a few cherries from a tree in the garden and hurl them at the Book Readers and yells, “Eat these cherry bombs, you evil-doers!” They look down in surprise as the cherries blow up. Prof. McDonalds is pouring boiling hot grease on Marsh Martians and says, “Would you like fries with that?” Even Naggingini is getting into the fight.
“Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die, Die,” she says as she strangles a wizard.
There is a flash of light and the fighting stops. Oldyshort has just used Abracadabra on Hairy, and he uses his most powerful spell, Expelyourarmus. This spell automatically fires you from your current job. Both Oldyshort and Hairy are using all of their power in these spell. Suddenly, there is an explosion from the spells, sending them flying backwards.
Hermione runs up to Hairy and says excitedly, “Hairy! I know how to-“
“Not now, Hermione! We’re in a middle of a war!” Hairy say in frustration. Rob goes up to Hairy and says franticly, “Hairy! We can beat the-“
“Rob! Less talking, more spell shooting,” Hairy says angrily. Both Hermione and Rob go up to Hairy and yell, “Hairy! Listen to us!” Hairy immediately shuts up.
“We can destroy the Marsh Martians using fire!” they say.
“Why would we ever want to do that?” Hairy says quizzically.
“Hey! I have an idea. We can burn the Marsh Martians with fire!” He says. He runs to Hagwitches hut. Hagwitch is the groundskeeper and keeps the weapons.
He hears an old, hideous voice yell, "You mangy kid! Get of my lawn!" Hairy runs into the hut and goes to the pyrotechnic section. He sees a flamethrower, Molotov cocktails, a lighter and bug spray, a box of matches, and a pair of flint and steel.
"Ah-ha!" Hairy says triumphantly as he grabs something off the shelf. He runs back to the fight as Rob says excitedly,
"What did you get?"
"This!" Hairy says as he holds up two sticks. "I can rub them together to create heat!" Rob and Hermione shrug their shoulders and watch Hairy as he rubs the sticks together. Twenty minutes later, they get flame.
Hermione gets as many wizards as she can and they all say, "Ackio Marsh Martians!" Many of the enemy catch fire and turn a perfect golden brown all around. Finally, the only Marsh Martian left is Oldyshort. They all use Ackio on Oldyshort. It doesn't work. Oldyshort smiles and says, "You fools! The Older Wand makes me spell proof. Abra Cadavra!" The spell goes straight towards Hairy.
At the last second, Snake jumps in the way! Before he disappears, he manages to say, "You have your mother'sssss nosssse, Hairy." Then he's gone. From behind, Oldyshort gets torched by a flamethrower. You see Rob with a big smile. Everyone cheers.
"I have an idea! We can make the Marsh Martians into smores and eat them!" Hairy says excitedly.

"I can make chocolate form cocoa beans in the garden!' Hermione says. Rob adds in saying, "I can stea- I mean BORROW graham crackers from the Marsh Martian's space ship!" The wizards get the items and have a feast. Thanks to Prof. McDonalds, the opion for deep fat fried marshmallows was open too.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1 comment. Post your own now!

KingMothra said...
Oct. 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Guess what? This article isn't mine, believe it or not. It's my brothers. He wanted me to post it, so I did. Give him credit everybody!
Site Feedback