Gagaland

January 14, 2012
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I recently took a trip to the Underworld to visit my good friend Hades (we went to school together, you know he was always the troublemaker, breaking the rules, and now look at him, Lord of Hell). We sat and chatted for a while about the living, the dead, and the increased number of celebrities entering Hell (for reasons we all know). So I asked him, “Who’s the most recent member of H.E.N.L.L.?” (History Lesson: H.E.N.L.L. was the Underworld’s original name, meaning Hades’ Establishment of Not Living Long. There were legal issues, etc. and the “N” became silent and was dropped from the spelling.)
What he responded with was news, but certainly not surprising. I mean, we all knew she’d end up down there sometime. Although it’s not our place to judge, even Hades agrees. I’m talking about Lady Gaga. I shudder just saying her name. And to have only been in the media for about a year and yet become so extreme was just the magic of Hollywood at work. There’s a reason it’s called the “15 minutes of fame,” because anymore will kill you, as seen here. Her crazy, elaborate hairstyles, inappropriate lyrics, odd-ball antics, and skimpy clothing (including meat) are just some of the reasons why she belongs here (no offense, Hades). And to think she has been an inspiration/role model for so many young people is just disgusting. But she should feel right at home with all these other scumbags (no offense, Hades).
Well anyways, Hades was actually star struck when she first arrived and, in her honor, named a new Level of Hell after her, called Gagaland. Now her “little monsters” were real monsters, not kids negatively influenced. The big guy himself even dressed up like her: a meat suit and blonde hair in a bow (not his best idea, failing in comparison to his creation of Calories and Carbohydrates).
But when Gaga arrived, she wasn’t fazed; not even reacting in the least bit (but this was all because she was too high to even notice anything; how unusual). Hades was deeply offended by this and displayed his anger through powerful flames, rising up from the cracked ground, nearly burning Gaga. Hades couldn’t believe he’d been counting down the days until she would arrive in the Land of the Dead; she was such a disappointment. And to illustrate his abhorrence, he sent her back up to the Land of the Living. She wasn’t worthy enough to reside in Hell; only the chosen ones could live with Hades.
Now, I was shocked and dismayed when Hades lamented to me about this. I questioned his reasoning behind sending this lunatic back to Earth to live among the rest of us, when clearly she belonged down under (and I don’t mean Australia). But he reassured me that she is being punished more living among normal, sane people than she could ever be in Hell. After some contemplating, I understood what he meant, and we continued to talk about the new recruits. Hades received another “gem” when Paris Hilton arrived in the Underworld, who was finally able to sound intelligent when remarking, “That’s hot.”





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