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In Which a Rift is Formed and We Escape Phys. Ed.

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There once were two brothers named Remus and Romulus. Romulus ended up founding a small city you may have heard of called Rome, leaving his brother to be forgotten by history. Remus soon grew tired of being shunted aside by his famous brother and took a contingent of followers (whom he called the Remens) north.

They had travelled for many days and nights when they were set upon by a band of druids from Cardiff, Wales. Cardiff was built right over a rift through time and space, and occasionally it would spew out what the druids deemed “evil spirits” (though they were really severely confused aliens suffering from a trip through time). To please the senders of these “spirits”, the druids sent regular sacrifices back through the rift. Happening upon so many unaware foreigners seemed like a miracle to the druids, having exhausted the population of Cardiff and any surrounding villages. They therefore wasted no time in bundling the Remens through the rift.

Now, as the rift was not in a particularly imaginative mood, Remus and company were deposited on a planet orbiting a star only a short way away, about 10 light-years (albeit in the 21st century). It was pure luck that this planet happened to have al the right ingredients for supporting life (in fact it already housed some strange species of rhododendron). Being a planet capable of supporting life, but with no life supported other than some interesting plants, the planet graciously accepted the Remens onto it as means of entertainment. Remus immediately claimed the planet and named it Reme. They lived on this planet for some time in relative comfort, apart from the fact that they shrunk quite a bit due to the higher gravity of Reme.

Reme was quite some distance from the star it orbited, and so passed rather close to Earth’s sun at one end and of its orbit and rather close to the black hole at the center of the Milky Way at the other. This black hole was steadily growing larger as it consumed more and more matter. A brown dwarf, a failed star, was drawn into the black hole where it discovered the necessary matter to explode into fantastic star-ness. The effect of a star being created is astronomical anywhere but even more so when it occurs inside of a black hole. Said black hole was ripped inside out, triggering a series of cosmic rays which shot through the galaxy with an unnatural force.

Reme was nearing the black hole end of its orbit when it was caught by the shock wave and propelled back the way it had come from. A planet’s orbit is an inherent part of its sense of self worth, and so it will hardly give up its orbit for something as trifling as a mob of angry cosmic rays. So, though it was being rocketed through the galaxy at near the speed of light, it stuck firmly to its orbit.

Now, having a planet the size of Reme hurtling through you would be most unpleasant, as space soon discovered. It grew increasingly more and more uncomfortable until it finally put a stop to it by ripping itself in half, creating a nice swirly vortex of nothing. Unable to account for the sudden lack of entropy, the vortex looked around for something to take its anger out on and ripped apart time.

Nearing the Sun end of its orbit, Reme realised that though it had been lucky so far, there was no way that with the force of the cosmic rays that it would be able to swing back around and resume its proper orbit. So Reme span past the Sun, trailing a rather large rip (or more specifically, a rift) in time and space behind it. As a result of Reme passing close to it, the sun increased its solar flare activity, shooting plasma out to mingle with dark matter, mutating its chemical make up. The rift, growing tired of following a huge hurtling planet which didn’t seem to be showing signs of stopping any time soon, latched onto the dark matter. The dark matter finally (with the extra plasma) was able to penetrate the Earth’s atmosphere where it promptly ceased to exist because of the intense pollution.
The rift found itself in no longer being pulled this way and that through the galaxy and needed something to anchor itself to. It decided upon a non-descript track at a non-descript school. Two students being subjected to the horrors of phys. ed. class found themselves suddenly picked up off the track and deposited on a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse where they met a very nice alien names Ix and never had to do phys. ed. again.



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