BREAKING NEWS!!!! *What aliens REALLY think about football*

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BREAKING NEWS!!!! Intergalactic scanners have picked up on Athengon signals, and have obtained the contents of the latest update from a Athengon scientist studying on Earth.

The text is as follows, and has been translated into English by the best translation technology available to the Counsel of Earth.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Seectur Almchec (Greetings Wise Counsel),

During my recent scientific expedition to the planet Earth, I have come to an interesting conclusion regarding America and the sport of football. Football – a sport in which armor clad male humans compete and attack each other for control of a quinex (a Athengon fruit) shaped ball – appears to be significant in the American human’s social network.

First and foremost, football is a status symbol. The males participating and the females who cheer at the games enjoy an elevated position in the social hierarchy the exists in the human centers of learning. Football also appears to be a courtship ritual that has been developed over time by natural selection, as football players tend to achieve many potential females, with cheerleaders experiencing the same in reverse. Even when certain humans are unable to actively participate in the game, humans consider attendance without adult chaperones to be a coming of age ceremony, and this attendance is a staple in the lives of adolecents.

Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, it is my belief that football is a conditioning program. Players possess stamina, strength, speed, and coordination, while cheerleaders are agile, flexible, and in sync. It is possible that the development of these skills through football is intended to create an elite division of the population, perhaps for the purpose of galaxy domination. This possibility is vague, but should not be overlooked.

These conclusions have been reached after years of intense study, but more time allowed for this project will answer many of our remaining questions, and would be extremely beneficial for all Athengonians. The Athengon Bureau for Human Studies (ABHS) would greatly appreciate a government extension of this operation.

Posset tua aurious pucus es longet (May your ears remain long and green)

O?chµ Smeil¬ook, ABHS


The Counsel of Earth is doing all they can to analyze this document, and take appropriate diplomatic steps. We ask you to remain calm, and stay tuned. Thank you.





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This article has 15 comments. Post your own now!

LockLemon said...
Dec. 31, 2011 at 10:21 am
Ha ha. Totally agree. >:D I think I might be an alien from a different planet. One thing, though: There's a fairly big gap between "the text is as follows" and the actual "story", so I thought it was like, "This is what aliens think about football:" ................ Lol.
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 21, 2012 at 3:14 pm
hahahaha I like that - ............ xD Anyway, TI had too much fun with the couple spaces I put in there xD
 
PJD17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 5:34 pm
goood story  keep it up
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm
haha isn't it weird what you think of when bored?
 
JacobC said...
Nov. 23, 2010 at 4:45 pm
This is really interesting and well-written.  Good job.
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 27, 2010 at 11:42 pm
haha thanks :)
 
thepreachyteenager said...
Nov. 17, 2010 at 6:22 am

How interesting!  My phisosophy of football was that it was an excuse for muscular men you didn't like ballet to wear tights in public.  Nice to see another perspective though.

Anyway, so this was pertty different, but I did see one flaw in the storyline.  I'm probably just being a screwge but I'll say it anyway.  If aliens are looking at earth and it's football, wouldn't they look at the NFL and not high schools?

 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 17, 2010 at 6:31 am
XD Love your philosophy too!  lol  And I really have no idea, I was just bored. :P
 
Phoenix97 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 10, 2010 at 1:02 pm
I absolutely love it! Having always thought football rather ridiculous, I love the way you poked fun at it. My favorite part, though, is definitely "Posset tua aucrious pucus es longet (May your ears remain long and green). It adds the perfect finishing touch.
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 10, 2010 at 1:07 pm
hahahaha thanks a million!  And I'm with you - football would be a LOT more interesting if these were true - as it is I don't see the point. :P
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 14, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Yikes - I have NO idea what happened to this format. Oh well, hope you liked it anyway! :D
 
Healing_Angel This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 9, 2010 at 7:02 pm
VERY CLEVER! I like it! I have no complaints! 
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 9, 2010 at 7:29 pm
haha Thanks! Can you say bored? Let's just say, little brother's baseball games go A LOT slower when we are losing...
 
TheGraeWolf replied...
Nov. 10, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Really funny! Makes you think 'cause this is so normal to us, but what about someone who has never seen it? We must look real odd...XD
 
AsIAm This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 11, 2010 at 8:42 am
hahaha I know! It would be so epic to somebody who hadn't seen it.  They would be like ummmm.......
 
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