Totally Wicked Attack of the Zombie Cheerleaders: Part 3

May 11, 2010
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-Friday Night, Colin’s House, Before the Ball-

“Okay…The decision has to be made. Who wears Ron’s robes, and who get’s Harry’s?” I sighed, lifting up the girly, laced robes next to the sleek, handsome robes.

“Well, I need to look good for Eileen,” Paul tried to reason, reaching for Harry’s handsome robes.

“She’s your cousin. I need to look good for ladies,” I argued, also reaching for the less girly robes.

“I have a date! I need to look nice!”

“I have to fight a deranged janitor!”

“WE HAVE TO FIGHT A DERANGED JANITOR!”

“UGH!” We both yelled as we tackled each other to the floor. It was an even match, considering I was disabled with my cast, but Paul was a bit on the chubby side. I ended up winning, sitting atop Paul’s rounded barrel chest.

“Fine! But only because you have a cast and you need to work it!” Paul exclaimed, pushing me off of him.

“MOM! WE’RE READY!” I shouted out the door, after changing into the elaborately sewn dress robes.

“Okay, sweetie pie nugget munchkin with sugar on top!” My mother called from the kitchen, where she was fixing up a hearty good meal of soy shakes and Pokémon macaroni and soy cheese. We’re on a diet.

After gobbling down the last delicious Charmander, we left in the Wizard Mobile…aka The Station Wagon.

“Oh, you two look so adorable! I could just eat you up!” Mom squealed, pinching our cheeks before we got out of the car. Embarrassing? Yes. Appreciated? Yes.

The dance looked pretty normal so far. No zombie cheerleaders on the dance floor, just girls in their puffy, frilly, extravagant dresses. I was in heaven!

Paul and I looked around for any suspicious behavior, but the only thing we saw was a few kids chugging down some Butter Beers. We had to ignore for now, realizing that a Zombie Apocalypse was edging closer with every “wizard” that arrived.

Time slowly ticked by as the night passed, Paul and I anxiously waiting for any suspicious actions. At 10:10, you can bet I made a wish, flashes of bright green and hot pink soared through the gym like streamers. A low, deep grumble echoed from the locker rooms and shrieks of terror exploded as fellow wizards cried out. Suddenly, the heavy duty iron doors to the gym blasted off, and 16 totally wicked zombie cheerleaders marched through, eyes glazed over in a mind numbing stare.

“Paul…” I whispered, grabbing the frills around his neck. “It’s time.”


“Okay…okay…okay…” Paul huffed, his breath shallow and uneven. I whirled out my light saber, tossing four extras to random strangers. Paul threw the wands into the air, effortlessly catching Dumbledore’s. To think he can’t even do a jumping-jack.

The other wizards picked up the sabers and wands, and looked from Paul to me to the quickly approaching army of zombie cheerleaders. They nodded in comprehension, agreeing to battle the ferocious, vicious, catty, mind controlled cheerleaders.

“FOR…FOR…” Paul started, unable to think of a good battle cry.

“FOR NARNIA!” I hollered, racing towards the mob with all my strength. But how are we supposed to defeat mind-controlled zombies, without killing them?

The battle took off, cheerleaders versus nerds. Or as we prefer to be called, “Intellectual Super Heroes.” Anyway, I immediately caught sight of Kodi, who was robotically mauling a group of Hermione look-alikes. Even with her greenish-skin and stringy blonde ponytail, she still looked hot. But, Paul called dibs. Darn.

We raced around the gymnasium, whacked the cheerleaders with our sabers and wands, to no avail. It was hard going against my instincts; my mother always told me not to run with sharp objects. But when all hope seemed lost, I saw Mr. Rattee with an old Atari joystick sitting atop the backboard of a basketball hoop. How he got up there, I’ll never know. How he got down, was thanks to me.

“Hey, you scum!” I shouted to the Heavens and chucked my light saber as far as I could at the hoop. But I missed, due to my previously mentioned lack of athletic abilities. Instead, I perfectly nailed the button on the gymnasium wall that lowered the nets. In order for Mr. Rattee to be saved, he must let go of the joystick to clutch the rim of the hoop. The lanky janitor dangled from the hoop, debating whether to drop his dream or save his life. Tough choice, I admit.

“This was supposed to be my Zombie Apocalypse!” He cried before releasing the joystick to the floor. It shattered, and all the cheerleaders instantly snapped out of their heinous mind-controlled state. Kodi fell to the floor, amongst all the others. Their bodies were exhausted from the battle, and so was I.

“HUZZAH!” The wizards cried out in unison, now raging toward the basketball hoop where Mr. Rattee hung in the balance of life and a dislocated hip.

“Avada Kedavra!” Paul screamed, whisking out the Dumbledore replica wand. As soon as the “beam” hit Mr. Rattee, he fell to the crowd of wizards, unconscious. Coincidence, I think not.

“WE DID IT!” Paul and I shouted, high fives all around; ending up whacking each other in the face. Hm, where were the chaperones during all of this?

All of us ran towards the slowly coming-to cheerleaders. “Where am I?” and “Who are you?” resonated through the whole gym as the girls cried in vanity.
Remember Kids: Harry Potter Ultimately wins. Every time.
PS: Do it for Narnia.





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