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Cracker Joe


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Maybe you’ve seen a rough looking skateboarder-person around these parts. No? He looks like a cowboy too. Seen him? Cracker Joe’s his name. With the head of a snake, and a body of a spider, Joe knows and sees all. So, if you’re going to drive around the Joey Mountain, Joe’s home, without a real license, you better watch your back. Only one person has done that though. Joe took the guy and uttered a loud, high pitched scream. “What? Oh my, oh my! Cracker Joe? I’m so-so-so sorry. Don’t hurt me. I no know English! Don’t hurt me! I immigrated to Greece! Don’t hurt me! I’m not boisterous,” the man, Jack Bolimbo said. Cracker Joe knew the man was fluent in English because Bolimbo had no accent and had a large English vocabulary. Cracker Joe was seething in anger. His nostrils flared, his tongue slithered out of its home, and he hissed, “Wanna meet me for a cup o’ vodka? I brought some yesterday, but Bettsy, my wife, hates them.” Jack Bolimbo and Cracker Joe became instant friends. Cracker Joe always spoke about the pain he was in to Bolimbo: “You know Jack. It’s hard being a cowboy, half-snake, and half-spider. The conventional wisdom is that well, you’re a monster. Do I look like a monster to you?” Jack replied, “No, you? You’re beautiful.” Cracker Joe smiled. He asked Bolimbo another question: “Hey, you think I could sing?” Cracker Joe began secreting a horrifying, sickening noise. Jack again replied: “Heavans yes. Zeus would love that voice. You should join American Idol. You’re that good.” Needless to say, Cracker Joe did travel to America to join; however, he was not allowed to audition in any of the fifty states, including Hawaii. After escorted out of the only audition he made in by security, Cracker Joe sighed and spoke to himself. “Maybe it’s because I have the head of a snake. Snakes are cruel; nobody’s likes snakes. I have the body of a spider too. I hate spiders; others must too. I strike fear in others.” Cracker Joe cried that day. He was never seen again. However, legend has it that Cracker Joe rented a bar in downtown New York and started business selling vodka.




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