sweater weather vii:

October 17, 2013
V: two lies and forget the truth
all i wanted to do was stick my two arms in the holes of your sweater and meld into it, let my atoms become your yarn, wear me like wool; that is what i wanted. don’t worry my face is naked, no dye is going to come off and stain your skin.
any day, that was today, or it was yesterday, or maybe it was tomorrow, i can’t remember; jesus, i’m like Alice with my medicated brain swirling around my hat rack and the crying in my ears.
but still, it was a day
we were both in our twenties and of course we got drunk, of course we did, but you said i did too much, that i wasn’t normal because i cried in the bathtub and curled in up under the sofa afterwards.
i thought i was normal.
i had a paris addiction then, and you indulged me often; when it snowed we crossed borders and you gave me the closest thing to france that you could. it was lovely; you were lovely, and i was lovely
with my mason jars stacked with flowers and your cases of novels. and we lived like that for awhile and then you stopped coming to our nightly meetings
because you said i was out of control.
and i wasn’t believe me, i had control, i did, please listen don’t go. we’ve still got a whole story book to go.
you vanished sometime after the leaves started to rot off their tresses, but before the clouds began to shake loose bits of their white skin onto the ground, when my nose was red from the wind every night because i waited on you. sitting on masonry steps outside of university, seven guys offered me rides everyday and one gave me a coat so i wouldn’t freeze, but i’d have rather frozen solid than see you in a state.
(i was really the one in the state, but alright)
gone, but i can’t find you, this is a rotten game of hide n’ seek and i don’t like being the seeker; i want to be the hider so i can continue keeping the nips away and the blood in my chest instead of on the front of blouse where a baby ought to suck.
i’d lie to get back, can you come and pick me up?
that’s what i’d say if i were gone.
but you’re the one missing

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