The voicemail you left last night was practically indecipherable, but then again, what did I expect? You never could communicate yourself well. You were always a bumbling mess of words and phrases that when put together, no matter which way you turned them, would never make a coherent sentence. But I guess that’s what made you so real. You weren’t a Brad or a Josh; I’d met people like them before. They were plastic, shaped into a mold and sent on their way. You were different. You were real. You had flaws.
I remember the time we first met. I was thirteen, and we were at camp. The kind they send you to at school, where you take classes and go on hikes. Anyways, it was snowing fairly heavily, and everyone else was outside messing around, tossing the snow up into the air. I remember seeing you through the frosted glass and opening the doors, letting the warm air defrost my cheeks. And there you were, hot chocolate mug held up to your face, knees tucked in. You were staring out of window, the big one that looked out on the snow covered basketball court.
Sometimes I think I should have turned around right then. Just walked away. You would’ve been fine. But then I think about everything that came after, and change my mind.
I walked up and took a seat across from you on the cushioned window seat. And the thing I remember most, was that you didn’t turn to look at me. You just stayed the same, only moving to tuck a small lock of curling hair behind your ear. That was my second chance to leave. But I didn’t. Instead, I took a chance, whispering softly.
“It’s pretty huh?”
You didn’t reply for a second, and I had dropped my gaze down to the blue striped pillow underneath me. But then you spoke up in this deep voice that for some reason, managed to match the softness of mine.
“Yeah. Beautiful.”
It was then that you turned to look at me for the first time.
You were beautiful.
I mean, I’d seen you in passing at school and such, but this was different. I could really see you. I wasn’t just looking. I was seeing. You had these deep brown eyes, like chocolate or something. And this hair, a light brown, that went down to the nape of your neck and curled gently around your face. You didn’t smile, but I could just tell that if you did, it would be stunning. Everything about you beckoned me to trust. Trust you and your eyes and your hair and your smile, the one I’d never seen.
“It reminds me of home. Where I used to live. During the winter, the snow was gorgeous, but I never wanted go to outside. It was like; touching the snow would be tainting it. I was afraid it would ruin the whole effect. And I guess, it’s the same way here.”
A second after I had finished, I caught a glimpse of that smile. A small glimpse. It ghosted across your lips and melted away again. But for that moment, I was stunned. The curve of your lips was cautious, but friendly. It was like you knew what was to come. Like you could taste the summer air as you breathed in. Feel the warmth of my hand in yours as you tapped on the windowsill.
“Exactly.”
I smiled then too, only I had no idea. You spoke again.
“I’m Cole.”
“Anastasia.”
I guess that’s when it all started. We sat there, not speaking, so much as being, and sharing that one hot chocolate that soon grew cold. And it was funny how, even when the dinner bell rang, and they rounded up the groups to eat, we stayed there in that wooden cabin. The abandoned one with the big window.
And a while after, when camp was long gone and I had just turned fifteen, we went out to that one field with the tall grass that hid us away from the world. And then- shielded by the green around us, it happened.
“Why?” I heard myself whisper.
My lips had still been in shock, tingling from the feeling of yours against them. The thing was- for some reason… it had felt nice.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t…”
Your hand went up instinctively to brush back your hair. I reached up and caught it though, bringing it back down and holding it in mine. And before my mind could register what I was doing, I leaned in and pressed my lips to yours, returning the gesture. I could feel you smile slightly, and I fell back into place. I don’t know, even now, if that was a mistake. All I know is, it just felt right.
“Thank you,” you said, biting your lip.
“Thank you.”
You smiled then. A real one. Your teeth were shining in the autumn sun, and I loved you right then. Really. Platonic, or not, I loved you. Everything was just perfect, smiling.
We never became anything after that. We were just ourselves. Never kissed. Never did anything romantic. But I guess there was still that small bit of me that loved you, even if only like a brother. Your hair, your smile, the way you could never speak clearly. You and I were polar opposites, and I guess that’s what made us the perfect two. Even now. Now that it’s almost my sixteenth birthday.
And you know, you really scared me last night. When you left that voicemail. I ran to meet you. Your voice was shaking over the phone, but I knew where to go. I ran through the grass, and when I saw you there, sitting on that one log with your back to me, I stopped in my tracks. The first thing that popped into my mind was-
You’re alive.
Thank God you’re alive.
I walked up cautiously, and you sensed me, turning around. A sad smile came on your face and you stood, running to me and grabbing my face, kissing me hard. I wasn’t surprised though, instead I wrapped my arms around you, thoroughly relieved. It was then that I realized. I loved you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to love me back.
“You scared me,” I whispered.
“I just- need someone now. That’s all. Don’t worry.”
But as you took my hand, and dragged me to the log, I could tell you were lying. You had been thinking about it. I could see the glint in your back pocket as you led me over. But I ignored it and sat with you anyways. You wrapped your arm around me softly, and began to speak, the words coming easy.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to get scared. I just wanted you here.”
Your voice was so soothing. I forced myself to say something though.
“You were going to do it.”
You knew exactly what I meant. You had shown me the pre-Anastasia scars. You told me that after I came along, there were no more. I knew you meant it, but now…
You took a deep breath and sighed. Then the- “Yes.”
“Did you?”
You rolled up your sleeve slightly and squeezed your eyes shut. There was a small mark, a small red line. It was fresh. New. But it was thin. Barely there. I kissed my finger and brought it down to the cut, pulling your sleeve back down again as I did.
“It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
I smiled and kissed you softly, chastely. You must have noticed my lips were cold though, because you pulled your sweatshirt up over your head and handed it to me. I slipped it on silently. It smelled like you, dandruff shampoo and cologne. I could lose myself in that maroon hoodie. So I did.
We sat a while longer together. Not speaking, so much as being. I loved you right then, and I could tell you loved me too.
I still love you.
Last night, I slept in that sweatshirt, surrounded by you. Dandruff shampoo and cologne and soft curling hair.
I remember the time we first met. I was thirteen, and we were at camp. The kind they send you to at school, where you take classes and go on hikes. Anyways, it was snowing fairly heavily, and everyone else was outside messing around, tossing the snow up into the air. I remember seeing you through the frosted glass and opening the doors, letting the warm air defrost my cheeks. And there you were, hot chocolate mug held up to your face, knees tucked in. You were staring out of window, the big one that looked out on the snow covered basketball court.
Sometimes I think I should have turned around right then. Just walked away. You would’ve been fine. But then I think about everything that came after, and change my mind.
I walked up and took a seat across from you on the cushioned window seat. And the thing I remember most, was that you didn’t turn to look at me. You just stayed the same, only moving to tuck a small lock of curling hair behind your ear. That was my second chance to leave. But I didn’t. Instead, I took a chance, whispering softly.
“It’s pretty huh?”
You didn’t reply for a second, and I had dropped my gaze down to the blue striped pillow underneath me. But then you spoke up in this deep voice that for some reason, managed to match the softness of mine.
“Yeah. Beautiful.”
It was then that you turned to look at me for the first time.
You were beautiful.
I mean, I’d seen you in passing at school and such, but this was different. I could really see you. I wasn’t just looking. I was seeing. You had these deep brown eyes, like chocolate or something. And this hair, a light brown, that went down to the nape of your neck and curled gently around your face. You didn’t smile, but I could just tell that if you did, it would be stunning. Everything about you beckoned me to trust. Trust you and your eyes and your hair and your smile, the one I’d never seen.
“It reminds me of home. Where I used to live. During the winter, the snow was gorgeous, but I never wanted go to outside. It was like; touching the snow would be tainting it. I was afraid it would ruin the whole effect. And I guess, it’s the same way here.”
A second after I had finished, I caught a glimpse of that smile. A small glimpse. It ghosted across your lips and melted away again. But for that moment, I was stunned. The curve of your lips was cautious, but friendly. It was like you knew what was to come. Like you could taste the summer air as you breathed in. Feel the warmth of my hand in yours as you tapped on the windowsill.
“Exactly.”
I smiled then too, only I had no idea. You spoke again.
“I’m Cole.”
“Anastasia.”
I guess that’s when it all started. We sat there, not speaking, so much as being, and sharing that one hot chocolate that soon grew cold. And it was funny how, even when the dinner bell rang, and they rounded up the groups to eat, we stayed there in that wooden cabin. The abandoned one with the big window.
And a while after, when camp was long gone and I had just turned fifteen, we went out to that one field with the tall grass that hid us away from the world. And then- shielded by the green around us, it happened.
“Why?” I heard myself whisper.
My lips had still been in shock, tingling from the feeling of yours against them. The thing was- for some reason… it had felt nice.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t…”
Your hand went up instinctively to brush back your hair. I reached up and caught it though, bringing it back down and holding it in mine. And before my mind could register what I was doing, I leaned in and pressed my lips to yours, returning the gesture. I could feel you smile slightly, and I fell back into place. I don’t know, even now, if that was a mistake. All I know is, it just felt right.
“Thank you,” you said, biting your lip.
“Thank you.”
You smiled then. A real one. Your teeth were shining in the autumn sun, and I loved you right then. Really. Platonic, or not, I loved you. Everything was just perfect, smiling.
We never became anything after that. We were just ourselves. Never kissed. Never did anything romantic. But I guess there was still that small bit of me that loved you, even if only like a brother. Your hair, your smile, the way you could never speak clearly. You and I were polar opposites, and I guess that’s what made us the perfect two. Even now. Now that it’s almost my sixteenth birthday.
And you know, you really scared me last night. When you left that voicemail. I ran to meet you. Your voice was shaking over the phone, but I knew where to go. I ran through the grass, and when I saw you there, sitting on that one log with your back to me, I stopped in my tracks. The first thing that popped into my mind was-
You’re alive.
Thank God you’re alive.
I walked up cautiously, and you sensed me, turning around. A sad smile came on your face and you stood, running to me and grabbing my face, kissing me hard. I wasn’t surprised though, instead I wrapped my arms around you, thoroughly relieved. It was then that I realized. I loved you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to love me back.
“You scared me,” I whispered.
“I just- need someone now. That’s all. Don’t worry.”
But as you took my hand, and dragged me to the log, I could tell you were lying. You had been thinking about it. I could see the glint in your back pocket as you led me over. But I ignored it and sat with you anyways. You wrapped your arm around me softly, and began to speak, the words coming easy.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to get scared. I just wanted you here.”
Your voice was so soothing. I forced myself to say something though.
“You were going to do it.”
You knew exactly what I meant. You had shown me the pre-Anastasia scars. You told me that after I came along, there were no more. I knew you meant it, but now…
You took a deep breath and sighed. Then the- “Yes.”
“Did you?”
You rolled up your sleeve slightly and squeezed your eyes shut. There was a small mark, a small red line. It was fresh. New. But it was thin. Barely there. I kissed my finger and brought it down to the cut, pulling your sleeve back down again as I did.
“It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
I smiled and kissed you softly, chastely. You must have noticed my lips were cold though, because you pulled your sweatshirt up over your head and handed it to me. I slipped it on silently. It smelled like you, dandruff shampoo and cologne. I could lose myself in that maroon hoodie. So I did.
We sat a while longer together. Not speaking, so much as being. I loved you right then, and I could tell you loved me too.
I still love you.
Last night, I slept in that sweatshirt, surrounded by you. Dandruff shampoo and cologne and soft curling hair.
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