S.G., remember in chemistry, when we learned about the scientific method? What was the pattern? The purpose yields research which yields the hypothesis which yields experimentation which yields the analysis which yields the conclusion, right?
Scientific Purpose
Why has S.G. not yet come to terms with his love for me?
Research
(Gathered via Google and several in-depth interviews) There is a major difference between IQ (intelligence in general) and EQ (emotional intelligence). So a highly intelligent person is not necessarily emotionally intelligent.
Hypothesis
S.G. has not realized his undying affection for me because he is emotionally handicapped and should therefore be pitied.
Experimentation
1)Gather materials: S.G.’s email address, a willing acquaintance of S.G.’s (Subject 1), and three images (picture of adorable puppy, a hilarious internet meme, and image of cute couple)
2)Anonymously email images to S.G.
3)Request that Subject 1 influences S.G. to check his inbox (specifically the anon message).
4)Request that Subject 1 secretly video tapes S.G.’s reactions to images on cell phone and sends me said video.
5)Analyze S.G.’s facial/micro-expressions and compare to the average human reaction to determine his emotional status
Analysis
For Image 1 (picture of adorable puppy), the average human reaction is to smile. The pupils should contract slightly and welcome the aesthetically pleasing image of stereotypical cuteness.
S.G.’s Reaction: Shrunken pupils. Stares vapidly at screen. Side-tracked expression.
For Image 2 (hilarious internet meme), the average human reaction is to burst into laughter, close eyes, slap knees, and/or wipe streaming tears of glorious humour from eyes.
S.G.’s Reaction: Shrunken pupils. Stares vapidly at screen. Side tracked expression.
For Image 3 (image of cute couple), the average human reaction is to either smile and allow an expression of reminiscence to slide over face, or to fake-gag and mutter about getting a room.
S.G.’s Reaction: N/A
Conclusion: S.G. is emotionally challenged.
***
You know what the problem with being in love with a genius is?
You find out quickly that geniuses are so… stupid.
Yeah, maybe that Stupid Genius has an IQ higher than Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, or Copernicus combined. But at the same time, he is mentally deficient in the realm of passion! Maybe it has to do with the fact that so much of S.G.’s heightened brain power is focused directly on the academic, scientific, and technological spheres of his intellect that there is no juice left over to process basic emotions.
This is why, S.G., I have decided to forgive you for taking so long to realize your love for me. I know that your internal processing speed lags when it comes to understanding your feelings. Alas- your heart is running on dialup! Your brain has stolen the wifi connection! The wire connecting your heart and brain has been frayed! Despite these trivialities, I know that there is still hope for you… that there must be a hint of an electric current traveling between these two symbolic, pulsating organs that are thought to define every human being on this Earth… if only I could discover the right brand of electrical tape to mend your emotional idiocy!
Are you still doubtful? Still tempted to outline an algorithm to disprove your love for me? You may think your logic is undefeatable when you try to verbally unravel the Schrödinger's cat paradox, but logic isn’t going to cut it this time, S.G. The very thought of love is completely irrational; therefore I’ve already proven your argument invalid. Are you still with me? That’s right, we’ve just reached a subject that you cannot necessarily explain with science… something intangible, a form of thought, a philosophy.
You have subconsciously expressed your care for me more times than I can recall. The dubstep mix that you emailed last month? Obviously, there were three-hundred blissful minutes of love-songs, warbled so sweetly in some ancient Alien language. Every wub-wub-wub, every heavy bass drop, every crescendo of cacophonous melody was your disembodied self proclaiming your everlasting affection for me. I ask you a single question about an operating system, and I receive an in-depth, college-level rant about encryption and OS security, not to mention an offer for one-on-one training via web-conferencing. How could you not find my incessant rambling tedious, amidst the management of your web servers, amidst the working out of numerous programming kinks, amidst the hefty duty of ethical hacking…
Can you tell me, S.G., the origin of that little tingle that arises when you get even a slight feel for how alike we are? You cannot deny that you have felt it before, at the exact instant that I have. That stunned moment of silence, that simultaneous darting of eyes, that secret smile. You try to hide it by redirecting the conversation to binary/ASCII converters… you ignore that spark of electricity that travels up the frayed wire from your heart to your genius brain.
Is this even making any sense to you? For all I know, you could have already abandoned this email for some sort of quantum physics experi—
***
I have been staring at this blinking cursor on my screen for the past eleven minutes and I am still clueless as to how I am supposed to go about telling Stupid Genius that I love him.
Probably accusing S.G. of not coming to terms with his feelings for me won’t exactly inspire the best reaction. (In chemistry today, I learned that noble gases, like krypton, do not often react chemically with other elements in their natural state. Are you part of the impassive, antisocial section of the Periodic Table, S.G.?)
How do I… How do I…
***
Maybe the issue here is that S.G. isn’t even human.
Maybe he doesn’t speak English.
Maybe he speaks whatever language dubstep is in. What would the written version of that be? Binary?
***
-----Original Message-----
From: me@zmail.com
To: s.g.@zmail.com
Subject: None
Sent: Sun, 11:11 am
____________________
011010010110110001111001
***
From: s.g.@zmail.com
To: me@zmail.com
Subject: Re: None
Sent: Sun, 11:18 am
____________________
<3
Scientific Purpose
Why has S.G. not yet come to terms with his love for me?
Research
(Gathered via Google and several in-depth interviews) There is a major difference between IQ (intelligence in general) and EQ (emotional intelligence). So a highly intelligent person is not necessarily emotionally intelligent.
Hypothesis
S.G. has not realized his undying affection for me because he is emotionally handicapped and should therefore be pitied.
Experimentation
1)Gather materials: S.G.’s email address, a willing acquaintance of S.G.’s (Subject 1), and three images (picture of adorable puppy, a hilarious internet meme, and image of cute couple)
2)Anonymously email images to S.G.
3)Request that Subject 1 influences S.G. to check his inbox (specifically the anon message).
4)Request that Subject 1 secretly video tapes S.G.’s reactions to images on cell phone and sends me said video.
5)Analyze S.G.’s facial/micro-expressions and compare to the average human reaction to determine his emotional status
Analysis
For Image 1 (picture of adorable puppy), the average human reaction is to smile. The pupils should contract slightly and welcome the aesthetically pleasing image of stereotypical cuteness.
S.G.’s Reaction: Shrunken pupils. Stares vapidly at screen. Side-tracked expression.
For Image 2 (hilarious internet meme), the average human reaction is to burst into laughter, close eyes, slap knees, and/or wipe streaming tears of glorious humour from eyes.
S.G.’s Reaction: Shrunken pupils. Stares vapidly at screen. Side tracked expression.
For Image 3 (image of cute couple), the average human reaction is to either smile and allow an expression of reminiscence to slide over face, or to fake-gag and mutter about getting a room.
S.G.’s Reaction: N/A
Conclusion: S.G. is emotionally challenged.
***
You know what the problem with being in love with a genius is?
You find out quickly that geniuses are so… stupid.
Yeah, maybe that Stupid Genius has an IQ higher than Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, or Copernicus combined. But at the same time, he is mentally deficient in the realm of passion! Maybe it has to do with the fact that so much of S.G.’s heightened brain power is focused directly on the academic, scientific, and technological spheres of his intellect that there is no juice left over to process basic emotions.
This is why, S.G., I have decided to forgive you for taking so long to realize your love for me. I know that your internal processing speed lags when it comes to understanding your feelings. Alas- your heart is running on dialup! Your brain has stolen the wifi connection! The wire connecting your heart and brain has been frayed! Despite these trivialities, I know that there is still hope for you… that there must be a hint of an electric current traveling between these two symbolic, pulsating organs that are thought to define every human being on this Earth… if only I could discover the right brand of electrical tape to mend your emotional idiocy!
Are you still doubtful? Still tempted to outline an algorithm to disprove your love for me? You may think your logic is undefeatable when you try to verbally unravel the Schrödinger's cat paradox, but logic isn’t going to cut it this time, S.G. The very thought of love is completely irrational; therefore I’ve already proven your argument invalid. Are you still with me? That’s right, we’ve just reached a subject that you cannot necessarily explain with science… something intangible, a form of thought, a philosophy.
You have subconsciously expressed your care for me more times than I can recall. The dubstep mix that you emailed last month? Obviously, there were three-hundred blissful minutes of love-songs, warbled so sweetly in some ancient Alien language. Every wub-wub-wub, every heavy bass drop, every crescendo of cacophonous melody was your disembodied self proclaiming your everlasting affection for me. I ask you a single question about an operating system, and I receive an in-depth, college-level rant about encryption and OS security, not to mention an offer for one-on-one training via web-conferencing. How could you not find my incessant rambling tedious, amidst the management of your web servers, amidst the working out of numerous programming kinks, amidst the hefty duty of ethical hacking…
Can you tell me, S.G., the origin of that little tingle that arises when you get even a slight feel for how alike we are? You cannot deny that you have felt it before, at the exact instant that I have. That stunned moment of silence, that simultaneous darting of eyes, that secret smile. You try to hide it by redirecting the conversation to binary/ASCII converters… you ignore that spark of electricity that travels up the frayed wire from your heart to your genius brain.
Is this even making any sense to you? For all I know, you could have already abandoned this email for some sort of quantum physics experi—
***
I have been staring at this blinking cursor on my screen for the past eleven minutes and I am still clueless as to how I am supposed to go about telling Stupid Genius that I love him.
Probably accusing S.G. of not coming to terms with his feelings for me won’t exactly inspire the best reaction. (In chemistry today, I learned that noble gases, like krypton, do not often react chemically with other elements in their natural state. Are you part of the impassive, antisocial section of the Periodic Table, S.G.?)
How do I… How do I…
***
Maybe the issue here is that S.G. isn’t even human.
Maybe he doesn’t speak English.
Maybe he speaks whatever language dubstep is in. What would the written version of that be? Binary?
***
-----Original Message-----
From: me@zmail.com
To: s.g.@zmail.com
Subject: None
Sent: Sun, 11:11 am
____________________
011010010110110001111001
***
From: s.g.@zmail.com
To: me@zmail.com
Subject: Re: None
Sent: Sun, 11:18 am
____________________
<3
writer3499
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