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Chapter 9: I Want Him

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I thought for the millionth time about how I should go back. I thought about how I should answer him. I thought about closure, about my future that maybe and might include him. But no matter how much I thought about it, no answer came to me. All I could think about was that everything from the moment I got that text to now was a lie created by stupid Gerry.

There were no words to explain my stupidity. There were no words to explain Gerry or Aoran and how much everything seemed to hit me like bricks. When I first saw him at the park it was like a large question mark was plastered in everything I saw in him. But there was a void in me and everything that was supposed to fill it was there in him. It was taken by him—stolen even and I hated it because I wanted everything back so badly. I wanted him and now every reason to stay away from him was pried away from me. There was no reason to hate, or loathe, or despise him. I never did in the first place, even though I could if I wanted to.

I could take him back in a blink of an eye. I could brush everything aside. I could put all the heartbreak, the tears, and the struggles into a box and label it as a misunderstanding because that’s exactly what it was. No matter how much my world had crashed down in those five seconds of prom night, I could forget it and get over it. I know I could do it, but I had no idea if he was worth it.

I had no idea if that was even what I wanted.

There’s a saying that people say usually during moments when they’re breaking up with someone. It kind of goes like this, “If you let them go and they come back, then they’re yours. If they don’t, they never were.” He’s mine, if I want him.

The words spun around in my head. I can have him if I want him, but do I want him? Do I want him? Do I?

Maybe I’m bipolar. One second he has my heart in chains. The next, I’m suddenly free and can hate and loathe all I want. One second, I want him. I want him. I want him. The next, Why is here? Why did he have to come back? Just leave me alone.

The confusion could just eat me alive. I could just get lost in the pit he created in me.

I always had a whispering voice in the back of my head saying, He’s the one. He’s forever. He’s the real deal. I fought with that same voice over and over after prom night. I convinced myself he was evil. I convinced myself that the voice was wrong. I convinced myself that he was a total fake—a rip off. But now, the voice is back and slowly pulling me into its clutches. For some reason, I’m starting to believe it.




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Missy1999 said...
Apr. 17, 2012 at 8:54 pm:
PLEASE EASE PLEASE WRITE MORE I am in love with you're stories I read them all in about 10 min;))))) I wrote this for encouragement- ur a really fantastic writer
 
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