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The death of my innocence came in the form of a human boy.
I am not a materialistic girl. i don't exactly know how to be laid back, and the one time that i can remember myself being truly happy is when my teacher assigned us homework for the weekend.
To say that i am diffident would be an understatement and as it is, my life revolves around making straight A's and erasable pens.
That is, until he came plunging in my life. All bronzed skin and defined muscles, he was a drug that i soon found myself addicted to. Eyes as black and alluring as a black hole leaving in me a lust of what was unattainable. A smile that had my heart beating erratically all day and an immaculate emanation that called to the good in me.
Nobody thought that the new guy Ryan would ever go for me,the quiet girl. It came as a surprise to even myself. But as the months past and we began to grow closer, his entire persona began to change. No longer was he the warm and kind person that i met, but he was replaced by this cold, heartless man. It started off as simple pushes and shoves, hair pulling here and there, but soon escalated itself into what you would call abuse. He didn't like the clothes that i wore or the friends that i hung out with so because i loved him, they disappeared just as fast as my self respect.
And then there was always the issue of sex. Being the good girl that i was i believed strongly in abstinence and that if the guy really loved you he would be willing to wait. But my beliefs and the issue of my innocence ceased to exist once he introduced me to the monster.
I once believed that the only way to escape reality was when i was unconscious, but here was this huge revelation of what could be done when i was awake that had me feeling more alive then ever. I am not sure what had me hooked more. The feeling of being unattached from a world where i did not belong, or the feeling of not having a care in the world which could never be attained on my own. Whatever the reason, it slowly became part of my daily routine until eventually it dominated the majority of my time and screwed all of my priorities. I was so high that i could practically hear heaven.
Nothing felt better then when the boundaries of life dissolved away and there was nothing in the world that i could do or say.
The monster messed me up so bad that i soon found myself straying from the safeguard of my skin, the bubble that i have secluded myself in for the past 16 years finally bursting, bringing clarity and a sense of life with it. I began to hang out with the stoners, ditching the one thing that my life used to revolve around whenever i could. Leslie, the girl i used to be no longer existed.
My Parents were always screaming, always crying and the day that i got back from the police station for shoplifting, they went overboard. i had to get away from their pretentious ways, i was way to sober to put up with it. Driving down the taciturn roads without the high rush to blur my sense of judgement left me feeling uneasy and unsure of myself. I needed the monster right now and carelessly i drove until i found myself in Ryan's drive way. Being here was wrong i knew, but ever since i met him i could never seem to do anything right. It was always mistake after mistake. The next few hours went by in a hazy fog as my body got what it craved for. But going to him to get crack, i had to have known that he would want something in return. And the one thing that his body craved for was the one thing that i wasn't willing to give up.
But being the negligent, heedless person that he was, he took it anyway. It felt chimerical, like i was watching myself from somewhere else as i struggled in vain to pry his fingers that felt like acid wherever they touched, off me. His weight pressed down on my body cutting off any accessible air and as he tore off my clothes, i watched as they were thrown all over the floor and couldn't help but think that the old me would never have gotten herself into this kind of situation.
But that person was dead and i was now like a puppet caving in to whatever he said just to get high so that i could feel alive. Now, it felt as if i was anything but. I had to stop this. I had to regain control of my life or this would be the future that I'm obliged to live. Laying in bed that night feeling as vile as ever, i remember taking a shower, something that you're never suppose to do after you get raped. But it seemed that i couldn't perceive right from wrong and no matter what i did, Ryan would always win. This time though, i would at least put up a fight.
The monster is no longer in my life and i could finally start to regain everything that it had cost me. And when i say the monster I'm not only referring to the drug that has been my ultimate downfall, but Ryan as well. Ryan who was all soft and kind, the boy who i loved despite all his many flaws. But there comes a time in everybody's life where you have to realize that what you want in life isn't always what's best for you. I have had to learn it the hard way but in the end, no matter the mechanics, it was learned. While i still love Ryan with all my heart, i have gone out of my way to make sure that he is no longer part of my life.
Because if i learned anything, it was that NOTHING is more dangerous then a boy with charm.