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The Letter I'll Never Send
There are two types of letters in this world, ones we write and then send the next day, and ones we write and never intend to actually mail, this letter is one of those. I’m going to write this, tear it out of my notebook, then hide it somewhere where nobody will ever find it.
Because the thing about letters people never send, is that they usually tell the truth about everything, and sometimes the truth is best kept a secret.
That’s right. I’ve kept a secret from you. It’s the first and only one, I promise. You could ask me any question, except for one, and I’d give you a straight answer. I trust you, you know that. I tell you things I don’t tell everybody else, and now that we’re older, and going through some confusing times, I tell you everything. Because when I’m with you, this crazy world makes a little more sense, and things that hurt, don’t hurt as much. You tell me the things I need to hear, listen when I want you to, and most importantly, make me laugh when I just want to cry.
But that’s why I’ve kept this secret from you. Because once I say it, there isn’t any going back. Once you know it, the way you see me will be changed forever, for the better or for the worse, and there’s nothing I can do about that.
Your view of me could change for the better, to exactly what I want it to be, and then my wish would come true and we’d both me glad I told you. Or, your view of me could change for the worse, and you might start pushing me away, whether you meant to or not, and we’d both end up wishing I hadn’t said a word.
But, I have to tell you. Even if it’s only in a letter I’ll never send, so, here it goes: I like you, no, actually, I love you.
I always have. At first it just as a friend, and later on a brother, but not now. Now, it’s so much more.
There, I’ve said it. I’ve actually said it. You have no idea how many times I’ve tried to tell you, only to hold back, or have you misunderstand. Every time I said “I trust you”, “You’re one of my best friends”, “You made my day”, “Call me”, “You’re the best”, I was actually saying “I love you.”
If you didn’t see it, that’s ok. We’ve been just friends for so long there was no reason to be looking for it. That’s the reason I’ve kept quiet for so long. Our friendship means the world to me. I hated the thought of risking it, even if there was a chance to gain something so much more, because having you just a little bit is better then not having you at all.
Our friendship has helped me through some of the craziest times in my life. If I had never met you, I honestly don’t know where I would be right now.
You make me a better person. It’s because of you I can get up and fight another day. You have taught me so much, most of it without even meaning to.
I know to everyone, including you, it looks like you’re just my best guy friend, a sort of adopted brother, and the boy I’m actually in love with is somebody else. That’s all wrong. There isn’t anybody else, and I don’t think there ever will be. I love you. I want you.
Whenever you text me, or say my name, or I make you laugh, or you tell me your secrets, my whole world stops, because it gives me hope that someday I’ll be more then just your best friend.
They say all is fair in love and war, but really, there’s one unspoken rule: you can’t fall in love with your best guy friend, unless, of course, he loves you back...
So, that’s what this all comes down to. Do you love me back? Do you feel the same way about me? If you do, just say so, and I will be there with you. We can stop walking in circles and getting our hearts broke. We can stop hurting and lying awake at night worrying. We can stop playing games and pretending not to see the obvious.
If you love me back, I’ll never leave you, never let you go. I swear, no matter what happens, I will never break your heart. Because the truth is, you mean more to me than anybody else in this whole entire world.
But, if you don’t love me back, that’s alright, because I love you enough to let you go too.
I’ll take it as a sign that we aren’t meant to be, and I’ll find a way to move on. But please, please, please, still stay my friend. We don’t have to be best friends anymore, but please, don’t leave me. I promise I won’t try to change your mind, I need you in my life, at least just a little. I couldn’t bear loosing you altogether and being the cause for it, because the thing is, I need you.
I really, really, need you. And it wasn’t until I thought about loosing you that I realized just how much I needed you in my life. You’ve always been there for me, even when nobody else was. You’re the only boy I know who’s never hurt me, not even once. If I’m half the friend you’ve been to me, I’ll be happy.
So, now my secret is out. I’ve done my part. The rest is up to you. You get to choose how our story ends, and whatever choice you make, I’ll trust you.