Stare. Read Philip Pullman. Stare. Read Philip Pullman. Stare. Close book. Stare. He looks over. Oh Good God. Pretend to look for the teacher.
Crap. I think he noticed. Goddamn. Why??? Just let me look at you. This has made Math my favorite subject. I only see him during Math, and I used to see him for English and Literature. But then Mr. Brown just had to send me away to Mr. Pierre’s advanced English class. Oh, he’s laughing now. Stare.
‘Who are you looking at?’ Cecilia said a little too loudly. And everyone’s staring at me now…
‘Aww Ilyana, you can look at me anytime.’ Ace said. I smiled a shy smile and tried to blend in again and kill Cecilia. Loud idiot.
How can I not stare? I’m pretty sure it’s normal. I’m flipping pages but I barely understand what Mr. Pullman is trying to say. Apparently Serafina Pekkala is talking to Lee Scoresby the Texan. I close the book, hoping to find the right moment and mood to read it. The bell rings, to end my anxiety and ease my nerves. Cecilia still manages to babble on about nonsense that I don’t give a damn on. I hugged my book and walked back home.
‘Aren’t you going for lunch?’ Her voice vulgarly piercing my bubble of peaceful silence. Her voice somehow manages to sound like nails on a chalkboard.
‘No. Later. With Hanna and Julia.’
‘Oh, ok. I’ll go first.’ Well obviously. Her grasp of the obvious is unbelievably irritating.
I refuse going to meals with her. She eats like a pig, chews with her mouth open and she lives to eat. Quite literally. And he prefers her than me. I reached my room and I see my roommate tweeting on her Blackberry. What a surprise. Ha ha. Not.
‘Heeeeyyyy!’ She says, with an enthusiasm so fake that only makes me want to grab a machine-gun and shoot her multiple times. Her smile is broad and she squints her eyes to emphasis her enthusiasm. Oh how I wish I could cover her face with her blanket and silence her. I’ve never had a problem with Australians, until I met her. ‘How was class?’ Her thick Australian accent exaggerated. Again with the nails on a chalkboard. Freaking nails on a freaking chalkboard. God, save me.
‘Fine.’ She never cared. She knew about ‘him’. ‘Nothing happened today. He didn’t look by himself. I stared too long.’ She didn’t say anything. What could she say anyway?
‘Oh you know what-‘
‘You know, that’s a terribly stupid question to start a new topic that I’ve never heard of.’
‘God. I was going to tell you.’ The way she says God is like Gawht.
‘Alright, alright. Go on.’ I said defeated and frankly looking forward to the school lunch. Whatever it may be.
‘Okay.’ She squeaked and squealed like a little woodland creature. She has this thing where she squeals before she says something about boys. ‘Michael talked to me today….’ I space out and thought to myself. Michael talks to everyone. He’s a nice guy. ‘And we just talked about how we hated physics….’ My train of thought stopped, as you can’t stay in your head forever. But thankfully I was able to return. For a while. ‘And then during the Biology trip that Miss Jefferson took our class white water rafting in this remote place somewhere Toby took a picture of the three of us but he aimed the camera at me and Michael.’ Squeal squeal squeak. I hid myself behind Mr. Pullman. I imagine Serafina Pekkala, Iorek Byrnison protecting and then they’ll take me to Jordan College; far away from her. ‘Oh you’re reading your book’. She sighed. ‘I know this is boring.’ She hopped off my bed and she grabbed her Blackberry. ‘I’m gonna see Hanna okay? Is that alright?’ She asked me as if she needed permission. I gave her a quizzical look. ‘What if I said no?’
‘Then I wouldn’t go. You’re like a boyfriend to me-‘
‘Wait what?’
‘Oh. No. I mean like a sister. I wouldn’t want to upset you.’ Too late you silly squealer. Then she closed the door and shuffled to her bed. ‘You can go. I was kidding.’
‘Oh. Ok. See ya!’ I wanted her gone. Sucks for you Hanna. She tells me all of this as if to rub it in my face. All the time. ‘Michael this… Michael that.’ It hardly stops. Again, for the second time of the day. I think to myself. Even with girls like these in school, he still likes Cecilia and Susannah. And he ignores me. Life sucks.
I hate how much I stare at him. I mean I like doing it, but it’s bad. I never talk to him, ever since he stopped smiling at me. Now, whenever he sees me, all he does is, acknowledges me with a nod and walks away awkwardly. I thought for a time if he was shy or maybe I make him feel weird. Yeah, I do that. I make people feel weird and indifferent towards me because I have such intense feelings. That’s quoting Hanna. Julia just thinks I’m beautiful in my way. Ha ha. She sees the better things in people. I think. However, she urges me to speak to him. Which I quickly respond to by hyperventilating and shaking my head multiple times. Oh, and I babble too. ‘No, he’ll think I’m weird and trying to hard, and we don’t even speak.’ The usual shy girl talk.
I decided to go to the library as they had air conditioning and well, it’s quiet. She didn’t want to come along. Thank God. The library was empty, except for the librarian on duty, Mrs. Norman. She’s nice and she smells of apples. I sat at the table nearest to the window as it had begun to rain, and I like watching the rain and the way it cleans away bad things and new things emerge after a good shower of rain. The sound of the raindrops drumming on the roof muffled everything in the library, including the usually creaky door opening. I began my essay on Daisy and Jay’s relationship and how the author manages to convey their emotions during their meeting. I find their relationship as the biggest tragedy in the book.
‘Hi Ilyana.’ I looked up after writing my first sentence. It was ‘him’. ‘Hi.’ I stuttered and a smile naturally formed on my face. ‘Mind if I sit?’
I shook my head, my smile refusing to fade away into my perpetual placidness.
‘Go ahead.’
‘Thanks. Do you come here often?’
‘Not really. But I think now I will. It’s quiet.’ I half-lied.
‘Yeah I know. The finals are coming up and I’ve been coming ever since the holidays ended.’
I simply nodded. He was speaking to me. I couldn’t mouth the words and make my voice say them. That’s multitasking!
‘The holidays ended two months ago.’
‘Exactly. I came everyday hoping you would one day start to study. But of course you can afford to study at the last minute. Cause you’re smart.’
BLUSH. BLUSH. ‘You came here to see me?’
‘Well yeah. After two weeks, I sort of started to bring my books and actually studied. But yeah. It was initially for you. And now you’re here.’
I laughed nervously. The rain got heavier and so did our conversation. His black shirt made him look mysterious and the way he smiled and laughed at my jokes made me feel warm and sweet soft explosions happened in my heart. To stop smiling at each other was difficult. So we didn’t.
Crap. I think he noticed. Goddamn. Why??? Just let me look at you. This has made Math my favorite subject. I only see him during Math, and I used to see him for English and Literature. But then Mr. Brown just had to send me away to Mr. Pierre’s advanced English class. Oh, he’s laughing now. Stare.
‘Who are you looking at?’ Cecilia said a little too loudly. And everyone’s staring at me now…
‘Aww Ilyana, you can look at me anytime.’ Ace said. I smiled a shy smile and tried to blend in again and kill Cecilia. Loud idiot.
How can I not stare? I’m pretty sure it’s normal. I’m flipping pages but I barely understand what Mr. Pullman is trying to say. Apparently Serafina Pekkala is talking to Lee Scoresby the Texan. I close the book, hoping to find the right moment and mood to read it. The bell rings, to end my anxiety and ease my nerves. Cecilia still manages to babble on about nonsense that I don’t give a damn on. I hugged my book and walked back home.
‘Aren’t you going for lunch?’ Her voice vulgarly piercing my bubble of peaceful silence. Her voice somehow manages to sound like nails on a chalkboard.
‘No. Later. With Hanna and Julia.’
‘Oh, ok. I’ll go first.’ Well obviously. Her grasp of the obvious is unbelievably irritating.
I refuse going to meals with her. She eats like a pig, chews with her mouth open and she lives to eat. Quite literally. And he prefers her than me. I reached my room and I see my roommate tweeting on her Blackberry. What a surprise. Ha ha. Not.
‘Heeeeyyyy!’ She says, with an enthusiasm so fake that only makes me want to grab a machine-gun and shoot her multiple times. Her smile is broad and she squints her eyes to emphasis her enthusiasm. Oh how I wish I could cover her face with her blanket and silence her. I’ve never had a problem with Australians, until I met her. ‘How was class?’ Her thick Australian accent exaggerated. Again with the nails on a chalkboard. Freaking nails on a freaking chalkboard. God, save me.
‘Fine.’ She never cared. She knew about ‘him’. ‘Nothing happened today. He didn’t look by himself. I stared too long.’ She didn’t say anything. What could she say anyway?
‘Oh you know what-‘
‘You know, that’s a terribly stupid question to start a new topic that I’ve never heard of.’
‘God. I was going to tell you.’ The way she says God is like Gawht.
‘Alright, alright. Go on.’ I said defeated and frankly looking forward to the school lunch. Whatever it may be.
‘Okay.’ She squeaked and squealed like a little woodland creature. She has this thing where she squeals before she says something about boys. ‘Michael talked to me today….’ I space out and thought to myself. Michael talks to everyone. He’s a nice guy. ‘And we just talked about how we hated physics….’ My train of thought stopped, as you can’t stay in your head forever. But thankfully I was able to return. For a while. ‘And then during the Biology trip that Miss Jefferson took our class white water rafting in this remote place somewhere Toby took a picture of the three of us but he aimed the camera at me and Michael.’ Squeal squeal squeak. I hid myself behind Mr. Pullman. I imagine Serafina Pekkala, Iorek Byrnison protecting and then they’ll take me to Jordan College; far away from her. ‘Oh you’re reading your book’. She sighed. ‘I know this is boring.’ She hopped off my bed and she grabbed her Blackberry. ‘I’m gonna see Hanna okay? Is that alright?’ She asked me as if she needed permission. I gave her a quizzical look. ‘What if I said no?’
‘Then I wouldn’t go. You’re like a boyfriend to me-‘
‘Wait what?’
‘Oh. No. I mean like a sister. I wouldn’t want to upset you.’ Too late you silly squealer. Then she closed the door and shuffled to her bed. ‘You can go. I was kidding.’
‘Oh. Ok. See ya!’ I wanted her gone. Sucks for you Hanna. She tells me all of this as if to rub it in my face. All the time. ‘Michael this… Michael that.’ It hardly stops. Again, for the second time of the day. I think to myself. Even with girls like these in school, he still likes Cecilia and Susannah. And he ignores me. Life sucks.
I hate how much I stare at him. I mean I like doing it, but it’s bad. I never talk to him, ever since he stopped smiling at me. Now, whenever he sees me, all he does is, acknowledges me with a nod and walks away awkwardly. I thought for a time if he was shy or maybe I make him feel weird. Yeah, I do that. I make people feel weird and indifferent towards me because I have such intense feelings. That’s quoting Hanna. Julia just thinks I’m beautiful in my way. Ha ha. She sees the better things in people. I think. However, she urges me to speak to him. Which I quickly respond to by hyperventilating and shaking my head multiple times. Oh, and I babble too. ‘No, he’ll think I’m weird and trying to hard, and we don’t even speak.’ The usual shy girl talk.
I decided to go to the library as they had air conditioning and well, it’s quiet. She didn’t want to come along. Thank God. The library was empty, except for the librarian on duty, Mrs. Norman. She’s nice and she smells of apples. I sat at the table nearest to the window as it had begun to rain, and I like watching the rain and the way it cleans away bad things and new things emerge after a good shower of rain. The sound of the raindrops drumming on the roof muffled everything in the library, including the usually creaky door opening. I began my essay on Daisy and Jay’s relationship and how the author manages to convey their emotions during their meeting. I find their relationship as the biggest tragedy in the book.
‘Hi Ilyana.’ I looked up after writing my first sentence. It was ‘him’. ‘Hi.’ I stuttered and a smile naturally formed on my face. ‘Mind if I sit?’
I shook my head, my smile refusing to fade away into my perpetual placidness.
‘Go ahead.’
‘Thanks. Do you come here often?’
‘Not really. But I think now I will. It’s quiet.’ I half-lied.
‘Yeah I know. The finals are coming up and I’ve been coming ever since the holidays ended.’
I simply nodded. He was speaking to me. I couldn’t mouth the words and make my voice say them. That’s multitasking!
‘The holidays ended two months ago.’
‘Exactly. I came everyday hoping you would one day start to study. But of course you can afford to study at the last minute. Cause you’re smart.’
BLUSH. BLUSH. ‘You came here to see me?’
‘Well yeah. After two weeks, I sort of started to bring my books and actually studied. But yeah. It was initially for you. And now you’re here.’
I laughed nervously. The rain got heavier and so did our conversation. His black shirt made him look mysterious and the way he smiled and laughed at my jokes made me feel warm and sweet soft explosions happened in my heart. To stop smiling at each other was difficult. So we didn’t.
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