You look into my eyes and see nothing. I speak to you but I know you don’t understand me. You say you know me, know everything, but I know you can’t. I know you don’t. And these lies have to end so truth can begin. The darkness must be washed away to let in the light. I understand that this will be hard, but although I might not realize it now, there will be others. There will also be other failures. But, I know that in order to get what I need, what I want, I have to fail to succeed. But why does it feel so wrong? I tried so hard to please you in order to make it feel that I’m pleasing myself. Tried so hard to swim through this deep pool of liquid lies, afraid to submerge my head, accept this fate, and let go of all this deception. The deception that we have caused by being together and not realizing, not allowing ourselves believe that we do not belong in each other’s lives, in each other’s hearts. And I was so afraid to see if the way out would be at the bottom. To see if I can escape by accepting. I know that I shouldn’t fight the truth anymore. That we weren’t meant for each other. That I should give it all up, that I should stop paddling and holding on to this wall of hatred, hatred caused by those who know. Hatred of what isn’t real. Even though it is easier to hate, I can’t pretend that all the wrongness will disappear if I keep my head above the water and glare at the reflection. This dark wall of hatred is the only thing keeping my head from escaping the surface. So I close my eyes. And, with a final breath, I sink. And let go.
September 12, 2011