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First Love

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I was bored and had absolutely nothing to do. I logged onto my laptop and went to Google. “Christian Teen Social Network” was what I typed into the search engine. Don’t ask me why, I just did. I clicked on the first one I saw; teengrace.net. I signed up and about ten minutes later had my first friend request. I looked at the name and picture. Jeremy Knighton… it rolled off my tongue as I said it. I glanced at the picture, “Wow. He’s cute.” I said aloud. I hit accept and went to his profile. He was everything I looked for in a guy. His about me said, “I’m definitely a Jesus freak!! I love to read, and I’m a nerd at heart.” Oh my goodness! I thought, he’s perfect. If only he were an athlete. Once I finished online stalking him I logged off. An hour later I was back on. I had a message in my inbox. Eagerly I opened it. I had a message from Jeremy!

“Hey. Thanks for accepting the request! So we should talk some time and get to know each other.”


I smiled until my cheeks started to hurt. I messaged him back, “Sure. I’d love to chat with ya!” I pressed send and waited. After about a week of exchanging messages on teen grace he asked for my number. About two days after texting non-stop, he said, “I have to admit something…”
“Um, ok?”
“I like you.”
Allow me to inform you that, though a brunette I may be, my friends tease me that I should be a blonde.
“Oh. I like you too.”
“No, I mean. I really, really like you.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“You know… as more than a friend.”
“Ooooh! Sorry! I feel so stupid for not catching on sooner!” I was so embarrassed.
“It’s ok. So um, how do you feel about me?”
“Uh…”, here comes the awkward part. “I have a boyfriend.”
“Oh.” I felt bad for disappointing him.
“I’m sorry. But, if it helps, I really like you to.”
“What about your boyfriend?”
“We uh… we aren’t doing that well lately.”
“Oh. Well maybe we should stop texting.”
I felt like my heart was about to be torn out of my chest and my eyes started fill up with tears.
“No!! I mean… why can’t we text anymore?” I waited impatiently for his answer.
“I don’t want to be a negative part of your life. I don’t want to cause problems for you.”
“But you’re not a problem! And you’re like, the only positive thing in my life right now!”
“Are ya sure? Cause I can go…”
“No. It’s fine. It’s better than fine. It’s perfect!”
“Ok… so question game?”
“Sure.”


That night we had stayed up until 11:30pm just playing the question game. I felt like I had known him my entire life instead two weeks. He had said it was time for bed and crestfallen I said good night. This is how our days continued for about a month. The question game and him saying it was time for bed. He had asked me out but I was unsure of how it would work out. I mean, I was fifteen and he was seventeen. I lived in Maryland and he lived in Michigan. My already confused emotions were just getting more confused. Plus, there was the issue of my boyfriend. I told him all this, along with that I really liked him. I had never liked someone this much before. The strange thing was, I had never even met him. That night, I prayed to God for guidance. About ten minutes after I said Amen, I got a text from Brad.
“Hey. Look… you’re a really awesome girl and I really like you. You’re such a great person and I love how you’re always volunteering with your church and working with little kids. But, I don’t think we should go out anymore. I feel like we’ve lost our spark. Like it’s become routine. I’m sorry. We can still be friends though right?” I was upset for losing my boyfriend, but I was awe struck by God’s work. I texted him back, “Ok. If that’s what you want. And yes… still friends.”


The next morning I got my usual good morning text from Jeremy.
“Good morning Angel!!”
“Hey. So guess what…”
“What?”
“Brad dumped me…”
“Are you okay??”
“Yes. I’m fine. But guess what else.”
“What else?” I was smiling now.
“I prayed that God would give me guidance and ten minutes later Brad texted me saying that he didn’t think we should go out anymore.”
“God truly is amazing.”
“He sure is.”
“You know… I feel like God brought us together for a reason. Even if it’s not for me to spend the rest of my life with you, I’m just glad I got to know you. Because in just a short time, you have already changed and inspired me in so many ways.”
“Same.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”


I had never been the type to throw around the word ‘love’. So when I said it back… I knew I meant it. For the next month we continued getting to know each other. Texting every minute of everyday. Exchanging voicemails, saying I love you and wish I could be with you. He texted me later one day after band camp, “Hey.” My heart picked up speed and I got crazy happy.
“Hey. How was your day?”
“Fantastic! I might have a girlfriend soon.” My heart dropped and my stomach did a flip. I teared up. How could he say he loved me and then go off and get a girlfriend??
“Oh cool… who’s the lucky girl?” I was determined to not let my true feelings show. Besides, I only wanted him to be happy.
“Hopefully you.” My heart picked up speed again and I laughed.
“Hahaha. I would love to be your girlfriend. But… my mom.”
“Right. Got to listen to momma.”
“Yep. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. At least I get to be your friend.”
“Exactly.” I smiled. I truly did love this boy.
“Well, I’m tired and sore…. So I’m headed to bed. Night angel. Sleep tight and don’t forget to say your prayers. Love you sooo much!”
“Night. Love you too.”
I told my friend about him and she seemed skeptical. “Emily, you met this guy on the internet and have never met him. You’ve only been texting and emailing him. Plus, didn’t you mention something about him being addicted to porn a couple years ago???”
“Well, yeah. But that was a couple years ago. And besides, people can change. I did…”
“By the way.. I went through your phone. Sorry… but I found a text that you’re not mentioning.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Britt.”
“He asked you to pray for him to stop masturbating everyday!!!!!! Hello!! Red light... Stop texting this guy!”
“I can’t!!!”
“Why not??”
“I love him.”
“You don’t know him! For all you know, he could be some old guy down the street.”
“He’s not.”
“How do you know?”
“Because God sent him to me… or me to him. I just know it.”


That night Jeremy and I got into an argument. I was in Ocean City with my friend walking around the city. Multiple guys had made comments about my body and tried to grab me or get me to hang out with them. I was scared… I texted Jeremy immediately when I got to the condo.
“I am now terrified of men.”
“That’s not a good thing.”
“I know…”
“Can I ask why?”
“All these guys were just being… inappropriate.”
“That’s no reason to condemn all guys. You’re insulting every one of your brothers in Christ. Including me.”
“I wasn’t being serious. I’m not terrified of men.. I just meant that I felt dirty and it was because of guys.”
“That’s still no reason.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Whatever… I’m going to bed.”
“Ok night. Love you.”
“Night.”




After three days of no Jeremy, I emailed him an apology letter for things that were said. I let him know that I was trying to judge people, and that I was only human. I was going to make mistakes. After another day of no Jeremy, I finally got a text.
“Hi.”
“Hey! What’s up??”
“Nothing…”
“Oh… ok. Have you checked your email lately?”
“Yes. I just did.”
“Oh. So you got my email?”
“Yeah.”
“And…?”
“Nothing.”
“Alright.”

He never said anything else. It was another day of him ignoring me. I got tired of it.
“Look. You can ignore me all you want after you tell me why you’re ignoring me. If you don’t want to talk to me anymore fine, just tell me why and I’ll respect you and leave you alone. I love you and miss you so much. I don’t think you understand that… please just text, call, or email. Whatever works for will work for me too. Please… I just need an explanation.” A day after I texted him that I got a text back.
“I have a girlfriend now. I can’t talk to you anymore. Sorry.”

That was it. Wow. I cried for so long that I ran out of tears. But I was determined to be the nice one. So I responded, “Oh ok. Well I hope you two have a long and loving relationship. I won’t text you anymore if that’s what you want. But I’ll always be your friend so if you ever want to talk again you have my number and email. Bye.” But then, I got mad. So I added on, “One question first though, did you ever even mean all those things you said to me??” I never got a response back.

I still can’t get over the fact that either he was lying to me the entire time or he became disinterested so fast. But no matter what, if he were to ask for another chance. I would tell him come on back to me. No questions asked. Because I love him and only true love is unconditional. I went through a love withdrawal. Looking up sappy love quotes. Some of them really spoke what I felt…

“Sad isn’t it? How no matter what you do or say to me… when you come running back… when you need me again… I’ll be here… right here waiting for you, I’ll take you back… no questions asked. Sad isn’t it?” - anonymous

“I don’t which I would rather believe… that you never did care or that you eventually stopped.” - Joey

“The worst feeling in the world is knowing you’ve been used and lied to.” - Unknown

“There were reasons we met, reasons for the good times and reasons for the bad times, and most importantly a reason to end. We have more to learn, more to experience and more loving to do in this lifetime.” - Unknown

“I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I didn't ask for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.”

“The hardest thing about knowing you don't love me
is that you spent so much time pretending that you did.”

“You didn't intentionally break my heart, you even said you were sorry, but I cried anyway... I know the truth that you're to scared to admit, you're with her, but when you talk to me, you can't even remember her name…”

“Love? It's kind of complicated, but I'll tell you this the second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that's love right there.”

“Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don’t yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.”

“To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without ever expecting them to coming back.”

“I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn’t do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all… for not hating you which I know I should… but I can’t.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him. That has to tell you something. I can’t get him out of my head. And quite frankly, I don’t even want to try.”

“The only thing worse than a broken heart is knowing you’d still give him a second chance.”

“You are unmistakably my first love. Every guy I am with for the rest of my life will be compared to you.”

“And if you were to say “come with me”, even now I might go.”

“Mistakes are sometimes the best memories.”

“You are my favorite mistake.”

“Never regret something that made you smile.”

“Meeting you was fate, being your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was totally out of my hands.”

“Love you always, love you still. Always have, always will.”

“Don’t give up on love… there is always someone who loves you. Even if it wasn’t the person you were hoping for.”

“What’s meant to be will always find a way.”



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