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You Still Love Me

I hurt you. I hurt you, and I walked away. I did not mean to, but I did, and I am sorry. You loved me; you really, truly, loved me. And that does mean a lot to me, though I didn't show it. I loved her instead. I loved her, but she didn't love me. She laughed at me, yet I pursued her. And you were the one who pushed me to keep going. You told me to follow my heart, but now I realize you were hoping it would lead me to you.

I loved you at one time. I knew my eyes gave it away. But back then it was you who loved someone else. I was sure you loved him. But really you were falling for me. And by the time you voiced it, it was too late. Our roles had switched. You were not my infatuation, but I was yours.

Last year. We talked three times. That's right, I counted too. But it wasn't enough to keep you in my heart. There wasn't anyone else, but I couldn’t remember what I felt when I was with you. So while you kept remembering me, I forgot you. Well, that's not entirely true. I did remember that you were my best friend, and you made me happy. And though it wasn't enough for you, it seems, it was plenty for me.

I knew you loved me. You didn't have to tell me, and you knew you didn't, but you did anyway. I didn't know what to do, so I turned you down. You tried to get over it, to be okay, but I knew you weren't. I felt bad, I did, but I knew it would be better if I played along with your charade. It would hurt you even more if you thought I was hurt, which I was. But you were hurt more, so I had nothing to complain about.

I pushed the memory away that night. I couldn't bear to think of you upset. But what else was I to do? I couldn't be with you if I did not love you. I know you understand that, even if you don't like it. And perhaps one day we will be together, but until then, I still want to have you as my friend. And I think you do to. At least I hope you do.

If you kissed me right now, I wouldn’t pull away at first, but I wouldn't lead you on, either. I think I would push you away, and you will take the hint. You would still grin afterwards, and I would smile sheepishly back. I think I would make a joke, maybe ask if it was as good as you imagined. You would probably say yes, and that you don't regret it, but in your mind you would imagine all the things you would have done differently.

What would we do as a date? I can't take you anywhere; we couldn't go do anything. The most I could offer is a walk around the school. Not much of a date, it seems. But maybe you wouldn't care. Maybe it would be me you were thinking about, not the cheapness of our date. You could have fun anywhere, as long as you were happy. And I make you happy, I see that now.

You are looking for a relationship. But what can be so different from the one we already have? I tell you so many things, and I trust you. You trust me too. I think of you as a good friend, and you obviously see me as the same, even more so. I wish I could give you the same, but I cannot.

If we broke up, would you cry? Would you regret this all ever happened? Or would you just be happy you tried it once? If I decided to break up with you, what is the proper way to do so? And what if you changed your mind? Would it not be awkward to dump the person you sought after all this time? I don't love you. But I like you. You are still my friend. And I pray that that will one day be enough for you as it is for me.





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