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Just a Phone Call Away...From Losing Everything
I sat on my bed listening to the faint crackle of the phone line as we both sat in silence. The painful quiet screamed at me the words he would not say. My heart sagged in my chest like a forgotten love poem soaked and dirty in the street. I felt trampled over, and faded. Finally, he broke the curse of silence looming over us.
"Hannah...I don't know how to make this work ok? Believe me, if I did, I would. But I don't, so..."
My already sore and bloodshot eyes stung with a hint of tears straggling behind. I wrapped my arms around my knees and curled up into the place that offered me what little comfort it could. Even still, it did near nothing to relieve the incredible ache in my chest. A lump formed in my throat that prevented me from replying, so he kept talking.
"Neither of our parents approve of this relationship anymore, and that's both of our faults, but still. I'm not allowed to get my license now, and without them being on board with this, it wont work. I don't know what to do ok?"
I attempted to swallow the painful lump that those words brought to my heart, but it sounded more like a choked sob. I took a deep breath and said quietly,
"You know Cameron, not too long ago...we wouldn't have had any question on what we should do. We always said that we would never let our parents come in between what we had. You always told me you would never leave me...no matter what."
I was determined to at least put up one last fight to keep him. Even though I could tell that he was going to end it. What had happened to us? We'd always been so close, we swore that nothing in the world could ever tear us apart. Ironicly, it wasn't anything else in the world that was tearing us apart...it was us. Even before our parents had decided to end all communication between us, things hadn't been right. For about a month, we had been fighting over something at least 5 times a week. But we could work that out, couldn't we? We didn't really have to end this right? I heard him sigh across the phone. He just wanted to get this over with. I couldn't exactly blame him, I was definetly a handful, but couldn't he get past that? He'd always promised he would.
"Hannah, not too long ago, things with us had become completely different. Not too long ago, we didn't actually have our parents telling us that we couldn't have anything to do with eachother. Not too long ago, you were still a virgin! Don't you see what I've done to you? You used to be the perfect kid, you were the sweetest girl I'd ever met, and you could barely even say the word sex without turning fifty shades of red. You had such a clean and pure mind, then I came in and screwed it all up! I'm not good for you ok? This relationship isn't what I thought it would be, I don't want to be a part of it anymore."
The sting of his words felt like a sharp slap to my face. He wasn't even going to try to fight this, no, he didn't even want to fight this. He was just going to flush whatever we'd had? Detatch himself from all of the feelings he'd had for me, and leave me to deal with the pain? I wanted to cry, hell, I wanted to scream. Why was this happening?
I wouldn't open my mouth to speak; afraid that I would lose it and begin sobbing if I did.
"So...are you just going to sit there and not say anything?"
I put my cell phone on mute and screamed into my pillow. I lay there, overwhelmed by what was happening. I raised myself back up, and feeling shaky, yet somewhat relieved, I took the phone off of mute.
"Cameron, what do you want me to say? The love of my life, someone I trusted with everything I had, is just going to give up on me when I need him the most. Someone I've laughed with, cried with, shared my life with for over a year, is just going to waltz out of it without a second thought? What do you expect me to say? That it's ok? That i'll get over it? Do you really believe that Cameron? That I'm just going to get over it? Because if you do, you're an idiot. I'm sorry, but if you really think that I'll just bounce back and start dating all the guys at my new school, then you are a complete idiot. You're all I have Cameron. Before you I didn't have anything to keep me going. You're the one who helped me get my life back on
track. You're the one who stopped me from hurting myself when I was depressed or angry. You mad me laugh when all I wanted to do was curl up and die. You were and are my everything. So when you say
you're going to leave, I can't say anything. Because all I can think about now is how bad I wish I could keep you."
I breathed out a long shaky breath as I ended my little speach. I hoped and prayed it would be enough to change his mind. All I heard was silence taunting at me on the other end of the line. I strained to hear even the faintest sound. Nothing. Was he even still there? Had he just given up on talking to me and hung up? I waited.
An eternity of seven seconds went by and I heard him exhale. Another three seconds drug by. I decided to repeat his own queston.
"So...are you just going to sit there and not say anything?"
"Hannah...I'm sorry. This just isn't right ok? This relationship isn't healthy for either of us. It's unlikely that it would even be able to go anywhere now that our parents are against it. It would hurt too much, knowing that I can't see you until you're 18, or until i get my license, whichever comes first. Which would probably be you turning 18 in this case."
I choked out,
"But that's only 2 1/2 years! We could wait! You don't even want to try? Besides, you could get your license whether your mom lets you or not once you turn 18, and thats in 2 years. We could work this out baby, please..."
I bit my lip til I sensed the sticky metallic substance on my tongue. I was desparately trying to keep the tears at bay, but they spilled over and glided down my cheeks just the same.
"Hannah, don't you hear what you're saying? A whole two years? At the least? I'm not going to let you waste the rest of your time at highschool waiting on me. Face it Hannah, even if I did let you, it would only make you hate me for keeping you from having fun with other guys. At the end of two years, you might not even want to talk to me let alone be with me. I don't want that to happen. We can be friends babe, somewhere down the road, but I can't and I won't let you wait on me like that. I'm sorry, but I've made up my mind."
That's when the tears broke down my dam and flooded down my face. The words, 'I've made up my mind' replayed in my head over and over, and each time, delivering the same breath taking blow to my gut.
He really was going to leave.
"So, this is it?"
I blubbered, splattering tiny specks of blood on my black and white bedspread.
He hesitated before answering, but said,
"Yes Hannah, this is it. We're breaking up."
I felt my face twisted into an agonized grimace as I swallowed a sob.
My voice cracked on the last syllable and ended in a whisper. We were over. It sounded so foreign and wrong, but it was true. Everything we had was just over with. There would be no more Hannah and Cameron. No more late night conversations where he would make me laugh about the stupidest things, and I'd hide the phone and pretend to be asleep when my mom came to check on me. There would be no more romantic walks by the lake, kisses under the fireworks, or wrestling in his living room. The countless movies, the dances, the soccer games...all of that was leaving with him...and I was just supposed to get over it.
His voice brought me out of my miserable trance.
"I'm so sorry Hannah, I really am. But it's is for the best. This is the last time you'll hear from me...for a long time. And please don't do anything reckless once I'm gone. I'm just a guy. It's not worth it."
I squeezed my eyes shut and more liquid drops of crystal hit my face.
"Please...don't leave me..."
"I have to. Goodbye Hannah"
The phone line clicked.
He was gone.
So was my soul.
I let the phone slide out of my hand onto the floor. Tidal waves of pain, rejection, depression,
anger, and incredible sadness rolled in like a storm. I sat slumped over surrounded by my pillows like a soldier in a trench. The only thing was, my trench did nothing to protect me.
I looked bleaky around me looking for something...anything that could possibly make this better. Pictures of the two of us bedecked every flat surface available. There was the stuffed animal he'd bought me. The necklace he gave me was displayed tauntingly on my dresser. I couldn't listen to any music because my ipod was his birthday present to me. I looked down and realized the hoodie I was wearing was also a gift of his. I tore it off and threw it across the room, knocking down a small box and spilling its contents. They were a lighter, a pocket knife, and a jagged piece of glass. It was my small collection of items that I'd used to take out my frustration and depression on myself. Until Cameron had convinced me not to.
I gazed thoughtfully at them with blurred eyes, then climbed slowly out of bed.
He wasn't here to stop me now.