My Bittersweet Angel

August 5, 2010
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I looked at him. It was the end of senior year, and sometimes, when I thought about him, I still called him: him.

I had known him for almost two years now-I met him in junior year. We knew everything about each other. I dunno how I got so lucky. I mean, guys like Angel... They were only a dream.

A bittersweet dream, but a dream all the same.

He had a sad face, but it was lovely all the same. His black, thick, and straight hair, his slightly tanned skin, and his penetrating brown eyes. I knew everything about him, yet, in so many ways, he was still the biggest enigma I had yet run into. He was beautiful, and I didn't want him to leave.

Angel had a pothead b***h for a mom. She broke his dad's heart. The only comfort Angel's dad found was working all the time. Angel often had to play nanny for his 8 year old sister when he came home from school. It broke my heart, and I always tried to help out whenever I could. I felt like we were parents, that's how often I tried to help out.

Angel's life had brought him down. He never knew what it felt like to be truly happy. He was a bittersweet Angel, and yet, it made me love him more. I always tried to make him as happy as he could get. He said that when he was with me, when he looked at me after we went swimming, or when he looked at me when I put my hair in a bun, were some of the few times he had pure bliss-just me doing simple things. I never understood that, but hey, it's Angel.

And now, he wanted to leave me. To go fight for our country.

“Angel, why do you wanna leave me?” I asked, staring deep into his eyes. He was hurting. He didn't wanna leave me, I knew it. But he had some obligation deep down inside he had to fulfill.

He grabbed my hands and stroked them with his thumb. “Pheebs... It's not you. I just... Maybe my bitterness could come in handy. I could kill and not care. I dunno. I wanna go.”

“What if you die? I couldn't sleep at night if you went!”

“Hon... I love you, you know that. But, I gotta go! I have to! Besides, since when do people remain together forever anyways?”

My face fell, and so my heart dropped. “Since people love each other. Since people will do anything for the ones they love. You really think we couldn't make it forever?”

He looked away from my face and took a deep breath. “My mom said forever to my dad, and look what happened to him! He didn't ditch me and Stardust, thank God, but damn! He almost never smiles, ever! It kills me. I don't want that to happen to me.”

Normally, I'd be offended I got associated with his mom, but, I knew this was serious. He was honestly worried. “You really think I'm gonna do that? I've been in love with you since the first day of junior year, when I looked into your eyes after I ran straight into you! Ever since. I can't imagine loving anyone else. I can't look at other guys for more than a second without feeling guilty. Angel, I want you!”

He looked at me. His face was even sadder than normal. He was so bittersweet, it killed me.

“Phoebe... I... I dunno. I want to go. I need to get out of here, at least for a while.”

“Then we can move! We'll move to Timbuktu for all I care! But... Please. Don't go. You're my Angel, and I need you to watch over me.”

He smiled a little. He grabbed me and put me on his lap, his arms tight around my waist, and his head in my shoulder. “Sweets, I love you to death. There's no one else I'd rather be with, but you have dreams, too. What about college?”

“Well, yeah. But, college doesn't kill people. College smartens people. Not kills them!”

“What if I don't die?”

“Then, I guess, that'd be great.”

He leaned back in his chair, removing his arms from around my waist. He dug into his jean jacket pocket (that jacket looked very sexy on him), and pulled out a simple ring, with a gold band, and a small diamond. “Marry me when I get back. You'll have a degree, and I would have fulfilled my duty. Will that make you feel a little better?”

I took the ring from his hand as he replaced his arms around my waist. With Angel, stuff like this was to be taken seriously. I was not supposed to break out screaming, “OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU!”. That was a hell naw move right there. You couldn't do that to Angel. Every moment was to be bittersweet-but I learned to love it.

I put the ring on my left ring finger, and watched it sparkle. He told me he had been saving up for something, ever since junior year. I guess I knew what it was now. “Do you wanna marry me?” I asked, looking into his eyes.

“More than anything. You are to be mine forever, even if that word... scares the s*** out of me.”

“I know it does, but let me show you to love that word. I don't want you to go. But I know your mind is made up. Go and fight, if it makes you feel better. I'll go to college, get my degree. You'll come back, and we'll be married-happily ever after.”

A single tear ran down his face. “I love you,” he said, getting choked up.

I flung my arms around his neck, and put my head on his shoulder. “It's okay to love someone, Angel. It really is.”

He whispered, “Thank you for teaching me that.”

I looked at him, and he kissed me. Kissed me firmly, as if to prove his point more. I didn't know when the last kiss would be, but I savored it, and made myself think it was the last kiss, so it'd be that much better.

My bittersweet Angel may have been leaving me physically, but he was in my heart and in my soul-forever.


Angel never came back. Six years later, when I was twenty-four, and still engaged to him, I got the letter saying he got shot and died. I knew it would happen-somewhere deep down, as terrible as that is. I was almost happy to see him go. He was so miserable, so pained, and so wise about reality, and much too young. I wasn't happy Angel was gone, but I was happy he was finally okay.

I have a husband now, and one child. I named her Angel-in memory of my true husband. I love the man I'm with, I never would have married him if that weren't the case-but I still daydream about Angel, still secretly wish deep down in my heart, I had married him. He was the type of love you don't forget, whether it be two days from now, or two hundred years from now. Angel was different.

I still wear his engagement ring sometimes, just to remind myself what it felt like to be Angel's girl. I'm glad he learned the importance of forever, and how sometimes, it won't always come back and bite you in the a**. I'm glad I was able to give him his rare moments of bliss. Me, Phoebe.

I know he's okay up there. He's watching over me, I know it. Sometimes, I talk to him. It seems crazy, but I have to let him know that I would have married him if he hadn't died, so he knows I was being honest about forever.

I also remind him that I still love him. He was something different from the rest, someone I couldn't forget no matter how hard I try.

And sometimes, when I look into the clouds, I see the face of my Bittersweet Angel, smiling sadly at me, gently etched into the white puff-and I know he's okay.





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

KissMi MiddleFinger said...
Nov. 15, 2010 at 3:13 pm
ur story was so awesome it actually made me cry
 
Sammmmmmmm replied...
Jan. 11, 2011 at 6:38 pm
aww you won't believe how much that means.!! thank you.! <3
 
myriamjonasbieber said...
Aug. 19, 2010 at 4:22 pm
listen, I don't want to say stuff like "OMG ITS SOOOO AMAZING" cuz I think that you already know it is. you stuff made me cry so bad that my bro is laughing at me. it seriously is amazing , and you should really keep writing. thank you for sharing this part of your heart with us.
 
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