A Beautiful Nightmare

You smile at my with that devilish grin of yours. Your hands tangled in my hair, pulling me closer. I can taste the coffee on your lips, your breathe on my skin. You kiss me and all my senses explode, leaving my head clear and fuzzy at the same time. Losing myself in the moment with you. You hands travel to the small of my back and you pull away. I press my body against yours, and you lean right back into me. I look at you and the stare in your eyes is everything im used to with you. Love and loyalty, everything your about. “I love you” I whisper. Suddenly your gone. And I am awake. It was all a beautiful nightmare.

As I laid on the porch the sun kept me warm but inside I was frozen. It had been a week since I heard your voice or seen your face. How was I supposed to breathe without you? Questions kept circling in my head. Rewind a week and I was next to you in your truck my hand on your leg, listening to the radio blasting thinking I was so lucky to have you around. Fast forward to today and all I could think of was what happened, how did we get here? You were my life, my wonderful extraordinary loving life, and then it ended. You became someone I didn’t know anymore in the blink of an eye. I will never forget your words or your stare. So cold, so harsh like walking outside after a first snowstorm. Its quiet and so cold it takes your breathe away, the wind lashing out leaving pain against your skin. It was exactly like that, you became exactly like that. Getting lost inside my own head is dangerous. I need something to occupy my mind. Nothing can hold my attention. I’ve tried everything that normally suits me, but all my thoughts wander back to you. How can they not? All my thoughts were always you anyway.

As I get up my heart races from too much sun and too little food. I can’t seem to eat anything. Maybe this heart break will let me shed a few pounds. Maybe I should call and thank you for that. My weight was always an issue to me, one you said shouldn’t be. Who am I supposed to call when I cant handle myself? Who is going to save me from myself? I don’t know how to be superwoman. I need my superman.

Mom yelled at me at dinner. I wouldn’t eat a thing. I can’t. She doesn’t seem to understand. Maybe a long time ago she would have. Not anymore. I don’t believe she feels anything anymore. I think I may be like that someday. After she yelled I grabbed my keys and drove around. I thought at saw you ahead at a stoplight, but when it turned it wasn’t you. Then I thought you were in the grocery store. I was wrong again. Every song on the radio reminded me of you. So I shut it off. I don’t need any help keeping you in my thoughts. When I close my eyes I can still see every inch of your face. The way the sun hits your hair making it look like gold. And the way your eyes are the color of icy blue water. The freckles all over your face especially on the bridge of your nose. How your lips slightly pouted out. Or that could have been my imagination because all I ever wanted to do was kiss them. I want to erase this images. Then again I don’t. I don’t ever want to forget what I felt. This feeling though, the one where I cant breathe without feeling that heavy ball of sorrow in my chest, cannot think straight, or get up in the morning without reality hitting, feeling I could do without. I would rather not cry myself to sleep for weeks on end because I know this hurt is going to take forever to heal. They always say the first cut is the deepest. Yes it was.

That night as I lay in bed my mind was spinning. Over and over again I heard the words you said to me. Spiteful, venomous words. Ones that I know will never leave me alone. You said to move on, but to who? Who will erase those words. It would have helped if you told me the answer. You promised in a moment of weakness that you would always be there for me. Where were you now? I wanted to jump out of my own skin. I was sick of the questions, that would never get answered, I was tired, so tired. All I wanted was peaceful sleep. Not the kind where whenever you roll over all you can think about is how you wished you would never wake up to the nightmare you now called life. I wondered if you felt the same way. Did your heart stop sometimes thinking you would never kiss me again? I doubt it. I unwrapped myself from the cocoon of blankets I was in and walked into the bathroom. I searched the cabinet, seeing the fix to get you out of my brain for a couple of hours. Sleeping pills. I downed two without any water. I was past the point of caring.


We are dancing. Something we both love to do. I feel one hand intertwined with mine and the other around my waist, spinning me around the dance floor. The song stops and you look down at me. You think I’m beautiful, and for a moment I’ll believe you, you would never lie to me. I stand on my tiptoes to kiss you because even in my heels you are still taller. Your arms are now both around me, holding like you will never let go. Our lips connect and once again my senses are alive. I can’t breathe but I would stay like this forever if I could. I pull back to tell you how much I love you. But then your gone. Im awake. And it was all another beautiful nightmare.





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