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My life is boring and uneventful, I hate it. I absolutely, positively hate my life. I need a new boyfriend and my friends think I’m pathetic, but I still love them. Eric was a jerk anyway, he never liked my friends and they never liked him. I don’t even understand why I even went out with him in the first place. What is love?
I called a cab and when it pulled up I told the driver to go to the mall. I sighed, the mall was so small and depressing, and nothing like what the malls in the mainland or even on Oahu, but at least it offered an escape.
I walked towards the parking structure and had the strangest feeling, I don’t know what it was, but it was just a good feeling. Aha! It was the same feeling I get when I’m high, it’s just this happy-go-lucky ecstatic feeling.
I cross the bridge and start to go up the stairs so I can get a smoke in before I go back home. When I got to the top I gasped, I was startled by this boy that was there, smoking a cigarette and looking at his feet.
“Hi,” I tried.
He looked up and said, “Hi.” He sounded surprised, as if he expected to be alone for the night. Which I thought he wanted, but then again, he had this aura about him, this kind of important, intelligent aura and I decided that I should know this person, so I plopped down next to him and asked,
“What’s your name?” My god I was acting smart tonight, ha-ha that’s me being sarcastic.
“Keith,” he replied, “Keith Rodgers. What’s yours?”
“Kimberly, Kim for short. Kim Yoshida.”
“Beautiful name,” I giggled and probably blushed too, I was trying to impress him and I don’t think I was doing a good job. “So what are you doing up here all by yourself?”
He hesitated then answered, “Umm, what are you doing up here?”
He was trying to be all cool. Ha-ha at least I wasn’t the only one. “I don’t know, I was just trying to get away from life, you know?” I sighed, and didn’t know why I said that because I had just come up here for a smoke, I had no idea why I lied to him. “Don’t answer that,” I said as simultaneously pulling out my pack of Marlboros. “Want one?” I offered.
“Sure,” he said and he produced a lighter from his jeans and I pulled out a joint.
We smoked and talked and I thought he was flirting with me for a little while but I guess I’ll never know because after tonight I’ll never see him again. So I went out and flirted back. Just because I felt like it and I felt like he was someone I could like and be with for a long time, but nothing ever works out like that.
“Hey, so do you want to come back to-” Shit I thought, as I looked toward the stairwell, Eric better not ruin this for me.
“Back to where Kim?” Keith said.
“Let’s go, now.” I got up and pulled him behind me. “Go away, Eric.”
“No, baby,” he said, and then he grabbed my arm and pulled me in to try and kiss me. I pulled away and mouthed for help to Keith. Hoping that he would help, but at the same time hoping he wouldn’t do anything stupid and get himself hurt.
“Hey, Bastard!” Keith yelled.
“What, punk-” Eric seemed really pissed, but then Keith punched him, it seemed really hard, I could hear the impact. What happened next was in slow motion to me. Eric’s friends helped him up and he started throwing blows towards Keith, but he blocked and protected me. He was so sweet. Then Keith found a weak spot in Eric and took it, he punched his face and he fell to the ground, bleeding. I ran to Keith and pulled him away, my mind going a mile a minute. When we were safe, when we were around other people, I hugged him and thanked him at least a million times.
It seemed appropriate that I start the conversation in this lonely, silent cab ride.
“I’m so sorry, Eric, he… He never accepted that we broke up, and he still wants me but I don’t want him. He’s just thinks I still want him, he can’t let the thought go.”
“It’s okay, Kim. I’m just glad that you’re safe.”
I thought about that, and I didn’t even realize that he was staring at me, like he was trying to figure me out. I found myself scanning him as well, he was a Goth, had long black hair and deep brown eyes. He had a deep, rough voice and he looked like he was Japanese, but tall and muscular unlike most Japanese people. “Where do you have to go? … You never told me what you were-” I started.
“I was trying to find myself, I just lost who I was, and I turned into something I didn’t know, something… I didn’t like.”
“Can I ask what that thing is?”
“I couldn’t tell you, because I don’t know.” He said, then sighed and asked, “What were you escaping from?”
“Life,” I said
“Me too, I guess,” he said as the cab pulled up to my humble abode. I love our house; it’s a big, white, two story house on the side of the mountain in Wailuku Heights. “Do you want to come inside? I would really appreciate it, and we can fix up your cuts and ice your arm if you want. Please?”
“Okay, I don’t have anywhere to go right now anyway,” he paid the driver, and then I led him to my front door. “Wow,” he said.
“Not much, but I like it,” I teased, then said, “Come on, I’ll give you the grand tour.”
We walked around in the house and I showed him the rooms, he asked where my parents were and I told him they were on a trip and they abandoned me, which was partially true. As I entered my room, I realized I hadn’t cleaned it since last month, so, naturally, it was rather messy, but I don’t think he minded. We lay in my bed and watched some television, but nothing was good on so we ended up talking and listening to music. At around ten, we went out to the roof and watched the night sky, stared at the full moon, at the stars, and just talked. The night had cleared some, because it was rather dark about an hour ago. It was wonderful, and when I fell asleep I dreamt of us together, as an old couple sitting on the porch, staring out to the night sky and just talking. Tonight, February 17, 2009, was the best night of my entire life.
I went to the florist and bought flowers, a bunch of red and white roses, and then I went to buy a dress for tonight. I finally decided on a white skirt instead of a dress, and it would look so good with my black sweater. I also bought incense and candles while at the store, thinking that they would help set the mood for tonight.
The house was perfect, and everything was in it’s place when I heard a knock on the front door. I opened the door with a smile and said, “I knew you would come.”
“You’re beautiful,” he commented then looked around the room, and as his eyes fell back on me I said,
“You’re not bad yourself, love.”
We headed into the dining room and sipped on wine. Beautifully mellow music played in the background and we talked and drank and had a great time. I pulled him upstairs after the wine was all gone and danced with him. After my CD finished I pulled him to my bed and told him that I loved him. We didn’t know what we were doing, but we were happy together, our bodies and souls intertwined, together as one, together as a whole. We were in love, officially, we were strengthened beyond breaking and together shared a love that was insurmountable and unmatched by anything in existence. I, Kimberly Kazuko Yoshida, am in love.
The rain comes down, drenching me as I sit atop the roof, it’s wonderful. I was thinking about Keith and life in general, what was coming next and what I should do. I crawl back into the house from my window and took a hot shower. After blow drying my hair I returned to my room and passed out on my bed.
I awoke half an hour later to the ring of the house phone.
“Hello?” I said sleepily.
“Hey, Kim.” Keith replied.
“Hey, baby, what’s up?”
“I’m just wondering if I can come over tonight.”
“Sure, my parent’s are on a date, ha-ha, I’ve got the house to myself for now.”
“Great, I’ll be there in about half an hour okay?”
“Sure, take your time.” I didn’t really mean that but I think he caught on.
“Okay, love, I’ll see you soon. Bye.”
I was on the roof again when he got here. His dad dropped him off this time, normally he would just take a cab but I guess his dad offered to drive. Keith’s dad is awesome; his hair is kind of long for a guy, but he looks cool, a definite metalhead. I climbed down as fast as I could. When I answered the door I gave both of them a hug and kissed Keith, he looked kind of embarrassed and I knew that he would hear it from his dad later. No punishment or anything like that, just teasing, his dad is cool and funny. I can see where Keith gets it from, although he says he gets his humor from his mom, I wouldn’t know because I haven’t met her yet.
“It’s getting cold out here, I want to go back inside,” I muttered, we’ve been on the roof for the past hour or so just talking and having a great time.
“Okay, Kimi,” Keith tried to open the window with no prevail. “Shit, the damn window’s stuck.”
“It’s okay, we can climb down.”
“Kay, I’ll go first.” He hung off the side of the roof and jumped down, rolling to absorb the shock of the fall. I started to climb down, but my grip wasn’t strong enough and I fell, landing on my feet and jerking backwards because of the wet grass. A pain shot through my body, originating from my ankle. The only thing going through my head during the second that this happened was, oh fuck, I’m screwed. Instantly, Keith was by my side, trying to asses the damage, I screamed, “My ankle, Shit! Keith, my ankle!” He picked me up and carried me into the house; he set me down on the couch giving special attention to my broken ankle and brought me a bag of ice and a bag of blow. I took both gratefully, but decided against the coke because I would have to go to the hospital, and they might run tests or something like that. You never know, so chose to save it for when we got home.
Keith called my dad and he took us to the hospital. The air in the car tense and stuffy, it was the same in the hospital. The two of them seldom talked while I was with them, but other times they conversed like they were the best of friends, I guess the recent incident hit them both hard emotionally. The air seemed less thick after the doctor wrapped my leg in a cast and the guys seemed more relaxed when I came out smiling. I didn’t know if I was really happy or if it was just the morphine.
“I’m amazed he hasn’t killed you yet, he must really like you,” I whispered to Keith. Then I giggled.
“Ha ha very funny.”
“Well I think he likes you,” I said again, then I yawned, and he yawned. I fell asleep in the back seat of my dad’s car while Keith held me close.
I hate the cast, it restricts your movement, you can’t shower anymore and it’s so retarded that they don’t make damn waterproof gauze! The cast limits everything I can do; I can’t even go on the roof anymore. The roof was the only place where I could be alone to think, one of the only things that help me keep my sanity. It just makes everything more difficult. If anything the one good thing about the cast is that it gives Keith an excuse to come and spend time with me more often.
April brought the two of us together, we connect on a higher plane now, we understand eachother on higher levels and my cast caused all of this. Keith wrote more music for me, he can’t sing but he can definitely play. But I don’t care; just hearing him is salvation for me. At least the cast would be off in two months.
It’s been about a week since I talked to Keith. I avoided his phone calls and hid when he came over. My dad got a job offer from University of San Diego and I couldn’t tell him, I just couldn’t bring myself to break his heart.
Finally, I got the nerve to call him, he answered on the second ring,
“Hello?” Keith answered.
“Hey, Keith, can you come over? I need to talk to you in person right now.” I just couldn’t do this over the phone.
“Sure, Kim, I’ll be over in fifteen minutes okay?”
“Love you Kimi, bye.”
“Love you, bye.” I hung up and cried.
He knocked on the door and I answered, “Hi, come inside.” I led him through the house and out into our yard before he answered.
“What’s up? Is everything okay, Kimi?”
“No,” I admitted, I looked down at my feet and struggled to get out what I was planning on saying, “My dad accepted a job offer from USD.”
“So, you’re moving?” His voice cracked and I longed to hug him, but I couldn’t, I had to finish what I was saying first.
“Keith, we can do this, we can still make everything work.” My eyes were watering but I held my emotions back.
“Kim… I… You’re… I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world.”
“I love you too, Keith. You’re the best.”
“I love you too much; I can’t let you go Kimberly. I’ll never live without you.” He started to cry but I kissed him first, tears streaming down our faces while we shared this beautiful, intense kiss. He held me for a long time after that, and I didn’t want to let any of this go. I whispered, “Everything’s eventual,” but I doubt he heard me.
“What do you want from me? What do you want me to do?” he asked.
“I don’t know baby, I don’t know much of anything anymore, Keith.” I responded. “Just please, please know that I always love you, always and forever…”
“I know Kim, I know…” He pulled me close, “I do, I love you so much, Kim, I… I want to… I want to get married to you. We could run away and live at my summer house…”
“We… We can’t… We just can’t, Keith…”
“Kimberly,-” he started.
“I’m sorry,” my voice cracked. I told him to leave. When he was gone I retreated to my room and slumped against the door, bawling. “I’m so sorry, Keith. I’m so sorry,” I said to the air, to nobody, to ghosts of people not there.
“Oh my god, I’m so happy!” I shouted over the phone.
“Why, Kimberly?” He sounded tired.
“Guess!” I teased
“…You got braces?”
“No silly! I got my cast off! Ha-ha we can finally do, you know what, again.” I giggled. He knew what I meant.
“Oh, yeah, that…” He sounded like he was embarrassed.
“Come over now! Please?”
“Anything for you Kimberly, you know I live to love you,” I giggled and he hung up the phone. I was giggling hysterically, “Fun.”
We had “fun” that night, it was wonderful. It’s just wonderful to be with someone you love, it’s the best drug in the world, love is.
My life sucks, and then I find out I’m pregnant. Now my life really sucks, I can’t tell Keith, and I can’t tell my family. My mom would kill me and I don’t know how Keith would react, but I’m not sure if it would be a hundred percent positive. I am lost in a sea of hopes and dreams which will be shattered the instant I tell someone I’m pregnant. I don’t want this, I can’t handle it right now, and my parent’s can’t handle this right now. I’m lost. I don’t have the money for a baby, and I don’t have the money for an abortion either. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, trapped under ice, torn between Scylla and Charybdis?. I’m in an impossible situation with no way out. Suicide’s an alternative.
We shipped most of our possessions out to the mainland already, and we already bought a house. Today we’re leaving. The date is June Seventeenth, officially the worst day of my life. I’ll probably never get to see Keith again and I can’t ask him to foot the bill to come see me. Then again, he has family over there, so maybe he can come over. I’m going to start saving all my money so I can go visit him sometime in the future.
We kissed for a long time before my parent’s broke us up because we were holding up the line in the security checkpoint. After security I looked back to see if he was still there, but he was gone, possibly for good.
I cried for three of the five hours that we were on the plane. I tried to stop so many times, but I just couldn’t. A part of me had been torn out and I had been left with a split soul. Why did he do this to me? I don’t deserve this. I’ll never look at my father the way I used to because I’ll always remember what he did to me. Nothing from now on will be the same. My life has been destroyed.
I have fallen into a deep depression. I drink too much and do more coke than I can handle sometimes. I try to call Keith whenever I’m sober and he always answers, we don’t always talk for a long time, but when we do my mind bursts into ecstasy and I’m up in the air, out of the blue for a short period of time. It’s just like being on lithium, but without the downsides. As soon as one of us has to go I fall back into depression. Do not take anti-depressants because they do not help, at all. After the prescription shit did absolutely nothing but make me look five years older, I tried ice and acid, and they really helped, but they were impossible to stop doing. Now I’m addicted.
I am planning my death. There is no reason to live anymore so I have decided to die. Nothing helps, and no one knows what it’s like to be me right now, no single living creature on this pitiful, disgusting planet knows what the fuck it is like to be me right now.
I’m not sure if I should go through with it, I’m not sure if I can, that I even have the willpower to do it. My parent’s aren’t home tonight, and I’m not expecting anyone over either so tonight would be ideal. I needed a cigarette. I pulled out my pack and there weren’t any left, that and I lost my fake ID.
I finished my last notes. I made personal notes for everyone I ever knew that was close to me. I put them in envelopes and marked each with stamps and postal addresses except for the ones for my parents. They’re going to get theirs when they come home. Keith got my longest one, and I cried the most writing his letter, it was practically drenched by the time I was finished. I gave him my favorite picture of us together too, so he’ll never forget me and so he knows that I will always be with him.
I brought the box cutter to my neck. I couldn’t do it. Maybe it would be different if I slit my wrists, easier maybe. I couldn’t do that either. It was just too hard, too sad. I could live with Keith, he could fly him over and we could live together, just like he wanted. We could get married and live together forever. Things never work out that way though, things are never that perfect. I brought the knife to my neck again. This time I started the cut, it stung and felt terrible, but I had to finish it. I ran it across fast, slicing my throat. My world went black as I could feel the hot blood rushing down my throat. The last thing I remember before my world went black was his face, and the way he held me. I love him, and I wish I could take it all back now. The dark took over, and I stopped fighting something I couldn’t beat.