IF ONLY

Another day, and once more I sit here waiting and if anything in pain. My heart and brain are two very different things because if I were smart I wouldn’t be constantly looking out the window waiting for you, but my heart aches for you. I know I shouldn’t care, that I shouldn’t even be thinking about you, we never were nothing but friends. So as I see you walk through the doors of the train, not even looking at me. I get lost in the memories, the addicting and continuous hurtful memories.
I never wanted for this to happen. I was never even planning on telling you, because I value your friendship and presence too much. So when you found out about the feelings I felt toward you, you could not imagine the feeling and thoughts that I felt and thought. I was scared, anxious, and still hopeful. I hoped that maybe you would understand and maybe and just maybe you felt the same way. So it was days since you found out (not that I knew) and then weeks. All those weeks I was clueless of what you have been told, clueless of your intentions. Sow when you ignored me I didn’t know why, I didn’t know if I’ve done something wrong, or if you simply didn’t want to talk. I tried I really did, I tried to end the silence…and then they told me. I could have been mad, actually I was, but I wasn’t as mad at them as I was at you. Don’t get me wrong I don’t blame you for acting the way you did. I just thought you were different, I wasn’t disappointed at you with you either, because I have no right to judge you, I was simply crushed. The fact that you believed what someone else told you and the fact that you didn’t even bother on trying to listen to my side, the thought is simply depressing. So I was mad at my friends, for telling you and opening their mouths but the sadness and deep depressing thoughts concealed my anger.
And so I finally knew why you ignored, I finally understood, I saw all the pieces come together. Ok so you ignore, you treat me like nothing. Fine, I understand, but I can’t help myself to wonder, what if I told you everything I felt everything I feel right now. What if I told you that I’m sorry, and that if I could I would take all these feelings I feel for you and bury them deep into some place I would never be able to find. I’ve never wanted anything but to be your friend. I’ve never wanted anything but to laugh and smile along with you. Now all of that is gone, the hope, the faintness and deep satisfaction of your laugh. I no longer hear it as I used to, I no longer see that smile that makes my day and world bright and better, the laugh that made me better. I have to live with the thought of you never being in my life never having you as nothing, not even an enemy.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, this was never the plan, we were never supposed to be avoiding each other. I was suppose to be your friends, we were suppose to keep being what we were and if not something stronger. I did something wrong and I might have been wrong, but I’m sorry and If I had to beg on my knees to just get your trust and friendship back I would. Because I miss you, and maybe im pathetic, but I just can’t help what I feel, and I cant cover up the whole in my chest anymore. So those years, when I used any excuse to feel you under my touch, any excuse to be close to you, those years are long gone. If I would’ve known the outcome of things, I would have counted and not taken for granted those days with you, but I guess it’s too late for that. And all those sins I’ve committed I’m paying now, maybe that’s god’s punishment, to forbid me from ever being around you. And if I ever caused you embarrassment, I’m sorry for that as well. Since your departure, and our ending friendship I’ve wonder, if only I’ve told you. What would you say, how would you react? And one last answer I wonder if you have ever loved? Now I stand my ground, ready to fight, ready to fight these feelings, because what is love if you don’t accept the realities. What is love if you live a lie? So that’s why I’m taking them and absorbing them, and within time I will heal, and I will laugh again, ill be me. But for now, I want to hear your laugh, and lose my self for one last time, be your friends one last time.





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dominicana said...
Apr. 13, 2010 at 1:48 pm
omg this is crazy  im going through the same exact thing right now this story is definetely awesome i loved every second of it keep on writing
 
agsmiley888 replied...
Apr. 13, 2010 at 1:56 pm

awww i feel for you 

this is actually a true story 

my story i guess i still see him sometimes 

 
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