I look at him. He is perfect. He says all the right things at all the right times. He knows when to hush and he knows when to speak up. Sometimes I like to argue for no apparent reason, I don’t like when a guy has no back bone and just gives up. He fights with me. Sometimes I think he just does it because he finds it humorous. I don’t just start random arguments to pick fights but what can I say I like a challenge. He is almost too perfect. He is all a woman could ever ask for. He calls and text me when he says he will. He showers me with gifts and compliments. And any girl would be out of her mind if she did not want a guy like this. I mean he tells me he loves me all the time and he really means it. I tell him that I love him too. I do not say it as often as he would like though. What he does not know is it is hard telling a lie all the time. I mean well not a lie. I do love him. In a different friend type way. I just cannot help myself. Or my heart for that fact. I want to be in love with this amazing guy that is ever so perfect. I mean I am happy when I am with him. However, it is just not the same. I don’t think it will ever be the “same”. Out of all the men in the world my heart goes out the worst of them all. The man I really love with the depths of my soul is broken, beaten, wore down, and low. He needs to be mended and he needs to be facilitated. But he is ruined beyond repair. His eyes are bottomless and icy. You would only know this if you ever really stared into them though. You would see flecks of ache and agony through those blood shot eyes if you looked close enough. I looked into his blood red eyes many of Monday mornings only to find despair waiting in his hangover. Pleading with myself to not care. Of course I just couldn’t help it in my opinion. Yes this broken bitter man is the man I adore. I think I will always love him. I know that’s a deplorable thing to say or think, but my broken heart has thus far to be mended. Just like his broken soul…I don’t think you can fix these types of wounds. They are probably there for a reason. A reason yet unknown. Whatever that explanation may be though I would like to know. This pain that I feel because of his absence is beginning to injure me too badly. I thought after we went our separate ways that things would get well again. I knew in my mind that he was of no good and maybe if I could get my heart to believe the same that I would feel better then. So after the split I was on the prowl for something to entertain my heart. But my heart would not have that. It was not ready for something fresh. It was still mourning over the loss of something so dear to me. However, I knew if I could not occupy my heart I would endeavor to occupy my head. I found someone. Finally. After many stinging tears and numerous restless nights. He was everything I needed! Sure he had a dreadful side too. He just had such a way with me. I enjoyed his company. It kept my mind of him…the one I really loved. And you know what they all say “Misery loves company.” I tricked my mind into thinking I was happy with my new guy. When really at night I lay in bed thinking if he was thinking about me. I would think about if I really mattered to him. Did he really love me like he said he did? I would think back to the nights we done stuff we knew we shouldn’t have but I felt so safe with him I would do it anyways just because he was the one I wanted to be with. I would also think back to the nights we would stay up laughing at practically nothing. Something would be said that was a tad bit funny and his giggle made me laugh hysterically, which in turn made him giggle even more. Those memories of me laughing with him would soon turn to tears nevertheless. When reality set in and I realized I was lying in bed... alone...dreaming of what was and was to never be again. I would cry. I would cry a lot actually. Every day I cried. For months strait. He is the first man I think about before I close my eyes and the first man to enter my thoughts in the morning. I wish that I was better now though. I want that nasty wound on my heart to go away. Many of times I thought it was healing. Then I would bump it and the scab would brush off leaking the tears and pain and heartache back into my body flowing like rapid running water through my veins. I have never felt a pain like it before. I have had a toothache or a headache a time or two in my life. But I have never had heartache quite like this. I physically hurt. It physically pained me to think about what I had lost. Not just years of my life wasted but memories I longed to relive with this beautiful boy. I think back on it every once in a while and ask myself If I was given the opportunity would I do it all over again. Or if I could, would I go back and change something that I did or said…or say something I never had the guts to really pronounce to him. When I think back on these questions I think most people would say “yes” they would go back and do it all over again for the one they loved. But I struggle with these questions. I tell myself to ask me again in five years. Maybe then I can give you an answer. I would like to say yes I would do it again. However, it is obvious either way I still would not have him in my arms now. I don’t know if I will ever hold my love in my arms again. It pains me to the core to even think those words. Many times when I hear his name my eyes tear up and by throat begins to burn. I don’t know if I cry because I want him back or if I cry because I now know there is no opportunity to have what we once did. It is hard to explain to someone why I cry over him. I cry sometimes because I know I bring it on myself more often times then not, or if it is because I know when I ponder about him I know it hurts the people that love me. I honestly do not know why my eyes are filled with big salty tears but one thing is sure fire… no matter what the circumstances I would take him back. I would drop my perfect little life and my perfect new boyfriend like they were a dead fly given the chance to love him the way I once did. I am selfish and bitterly unaware of the pain that it would cause the ones around me who love me so dearly. But I do not chose whom that my heart bleeds for. I wish that I could cut off the emotion and passion that I have for his blessed heart but the feelings have yet to fade. If given the ability to be with him again I would spend my entire existence trying to fix his broken self. I would be fighting a losing battle but a losing battle is better than no battle at all. I feel sorry for the men who come after him in my life. It scares me really…to think about what or who comes next. The next man I love will be one crazy guy that’s for sure. Because like I said earlier, “I love a challenge.” Which probably means somewhere along this wild winding road of life I will soon find me another broken soul to love. A soul in which loves my brokenness and much as I love theirs.
Our Broken Little Souls
January 15, 2010