My hands and arms began to shake. Before I knew it I was shaking with tears coming down my red cheeks. I wiped them hard, smearing my make up. I got up and smashed my mirror. Whatever I did now I did not want to see my face, but I couldn’t resist. I look up and shank back into myself. My head was bald and I had rashes all over my skin. I felt dirty like I had dirt under my nails I couldn’t get out. I ripped the letter in my hand in half. I screamed in agony and pain. I didn’t want to live. I ran out of my room and punched the wall. I had to get out. Escape to a place where you and I would be united. Back to like we used to be. Where you didn’t hit me or abuse me. Where we sat by rivers and had the blue water tickle or feet. Or even the time where when we did fight that we would still talk and get over it, but now it seemed the damage was done and could never heal. Like a bleeding cut of glass that was in my skin now was in my heart. I couldn’t do with the stress and hate you brought in my life. You used to love me and care for me but after you started drinking you were lost. And now to this day I suffer your consequences. You got off easy by dying. I ran out to the forest where the snow fell lightly like feathers. Everything around me was calm and at peace. I was like thunder storm bringing ice. I ran until I lost my breath. I ran until I got to the spot where you drowned. I remember in flashes how you drowned. Like lighting it did not go away. I couldn’t save you. You always seemed to slip away until I saw you one last time and then I knew it was hopeless. So here I stood once more by the pond where you drowned. I let my hair go and drop my coat onto the forest floor fluttering leaves to settle again. A sense came over me to jump in and never resurface. So I went. I jumped, diving into the cool water quickly surrounding me. I held my breath and began to swim fasted and deeper, expect I couldn’t. My legs seemed to freeze and something kept pulling me back up. I tried to scream in frustration but the water muffled my sound and then a dead silence came as I drifted up. Will-power would not let me die. My back on the water I looked up at the full moon. It seemed authoritative and alluring. Nothing like before I finally shed the tears with the blink of my eye and my heart settled back into my ribs. The tears were like red with blood and anger. I hated me. I hated you. My heart was like an obnoxious ticking of a clock. A faint, thumping beat of my heart told me I was still alive. I was still alive.
November 19, 2009