A tear, a future, and a Tree

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Not a sound anywheres
-Perfectly still-
Just like the whole world was asleep,
Only sometimes the bull-frogs a-cluttering
Maybe.


“Why not ?”

“Don’t ever ask me that, Tyanna. You know I never answer those questions. I’ll tell you when I feel like you’re ready.”

I left it alone and dangled the phone helplessly while he droned on and on about how I wasn’t ready. I was never ready enough or strong enough or anything enough to handle what he had to tell me, and instead of speaking up, instead of debating and convincing him that I could handle him, that I could handle his thoughts and his mind, I just sat there. I held the phone and listened with open ears and a closed heart. How could I not be ready? We had been going at this thing for a year now, 365 days of unconditional, pure love. He even invited me to his imaginary world Kingdom Cook where he was King Cook and I would be Queen. And yet I wasn’t ready? My heart had trouble digesting this. I put my all into this. Was this another thing that I would add to my failure list? Loving someone with all of my heart-FAIL. That’s how I was taking it. Nothing that I was doing was making him realize that I was a half a step away from tattooing his name across my forehead. The large black hole that sucked away at my soul and hammered rusty nails into my heart every time we said goodbye wasn’t enough? Nor was the longing that my lips felt every time he backed away from delivering one of his signature breath taking, heart racing kisses? Everything about me screamed I AM READY. But he wasn’t hearing it, he wasn’t understanding.

As we said our goodnights, I asked him one last time knowing that I wouldn’t get an answer, but hoping that God loved me enough to make him change his mind. Once again fail, he responded, “Tyanna I’ll tell you when I think you’re ready, and as of right I just don’t think you are. Just think about that. Goodnight, Tyanimal.”

Click.

Sitting in my air-conditioned basement, watching Anne Hathaway play a very convincing Jane Austen, but listening to the small rain drops play hop-scotch on the window, I started to think. Not the let me mull over something for two seconds and then worry about what I’m going to eat for breakfast tomorrow type thinking, more along the lines of lose every sense you have and just go into the deep inner workings of your mind and don’t come out until you’ve had an epiphany type thinking. What does he mean by ‘I’m not ready’? Maybe he’s the one not ready. Not ready to have someone in his life that actually wants to get to know him and that actually cares about his most miniscule thoughts. He just can’t come to grips with the fact that I love him. Then, at 3:17, still exploring the darkest crevices my mind had to offer I stopped putting the blame on him and started focusing on me. I mean after all he said that I wasn’t ready, not that he wasn’t ready.
I did something I rarely ever do and I took a look in the mirror. And to be quite honest I didn’t like what I saw. I wasn’t looking at a girl surrounded by people that loved her; I wasn’t looking at someone that was in a mature relationship with someone she wanted to marry. Instead, I was staring into the lost black pupils of a girl just barely getting by. I was face to face with someone who was slowly sinking into despair. The fact that I had no idea who I had become over the last past two years was evident when I couldn’t even answer the simple question “Who am I?” All of a sudden I was scared shitless. Everything that was going on in my life was a lie. My friends, my family, my boyfriend, everything was based on a web of lies that was unconsciously spun by some girl that I barley even knew. But I couldn’t let this continue on. I had to start making right everything that she had made wrong, starting with the most important thing- My Willisimo.
How was I going to tell him that the girl he was with was a poor representation of who I actually was? And on top of all that I had to break it off. I mean how was I supposed to stay in a relationship and try to get to know someone else when the only thing I could tell you about myself was my name and address? But I didn’t want to break up with him. This was the guy that ate the drumstick part of the wing because I dint like it and the guy that walked on the outside and the guy that made me be a better me. But, this was also the same guy that deserved to be in a real relationship with someone who was ready and I just didn’t fit that criteria at the moment.

He surprised me when I told him because he completely understood. He said he already knew and was proud of me for realizing this and until I figured out who I was we could still be friends.

“You’re ready Tyanimal. Ask me any question you want and I promise I’ll do my best to answer it honestly.”

And my mind immediately went back to that late June night he climbed his childhood tree that stood next to his old elementary school. He pushed me up and followed and soon we were sitting on top of the world in Kingdom Cook looking down on the peasants that were not worthy of our presence. The night was silent and our love filled the air. No one was out to bother us or to interrupt our hearts from connecting. Silently a silver tear slid down the face of my king.

“Will”, I ask remembering the perfect night, “why did you cry in the tree?”

“Because I saw our future and it was perfect.”





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