What did I do Wrong

June 11, 2009
Why did this have to be happening? What did I do wrong? Why was my whole purpose in life being taken away? I fell to the ground and just didn't have the strength to get up.


My whole body ached. I could feel the pain inside me but i forgot how to cry in my disaster moment. This made me feel terrible. I had just seen the love of my life killed in a hospital bed as a result of a car accident and all i can do is lie here. What is wrong with me?


All of a sudden pain shot through my chest as his death ripped a whole in my chest. It physically felt like that and I cried out in every kind of pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, and pure exhaustion. Two hours ago I had gotten a call from my soon to be husbands mom saying that he was in a terrible car wreck and I was the only one he wanted to see. Of course I ran straight there. What else could I do?


I walked into the room in tears just knowing that the worst was yet to come. I didn't know anything. How could I just let him die? I just stood there and watched it happen.


I went straight to the bed and he looked me in my teary eyes and whispered in my ear,"I love you more than anything, or anyone in this whole world. I give you my heart to keep with you. I devote to you the rest of my life. However much it is. Wether its 20 minutes or 20 years. I will love you forever."


Then I broke. I knew the reason that he said that. He said it because he didn't think he would live much longer. I refused to believe that. I kept hope, but my hope amounted to nothing.


I hadn't realized that someone was picking me up and putting me in a chair but all of a sudden I was slouching against the back of the seat. I tried to sit up but again I didn't have the strength to move a muscle. All I could do was mourn over the loss of my whole life. Is this what people felt like before they commited suicide.


Whatever I did it couldn't be suicide. I could never put my family through the pain that I felt at this moment. Another jolt of pain went through my chest. I finally started sobbing. I was crying out in pain.


How could I have let this happen? I should've been there with him? I should've told him that I loved him back instead of crying histerically. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me.


My cries of pain turned into pain and frustration. I was yelling things like "This can't be happening to me." and "It's not fair.", but there was nothing I could do to make this intense burning stop. All I could do was scream.


Someone was cradling me , but I didn't have the strength to look and see who it was. I couldn't even hear their voice(if they were talking at all) over the sound of my pounding heart. I can't handle this. I can't go on without my one and only love. He was my whole life, the only thing that I was counting on to survive. He was the only thing good that I had in my life.


I stopped crying but my heart didn't slow. I was breathing as if I had just run a marathon but I had stopped screaming out in pain. At least on the outside.





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