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Heart of Confusion
I stared out into the dark that voice was so quiet, so far away. All I wanted was to run away. I wanted to get away from this cage I was locked in. I didn’t wanna be here anymore but still these bar held me in.
I sighed softly; my dreams were so hard to gain. They were so close yet so far out of reach. So many things had to be there to hold me back. All I wanted was to be free.
I could still remember the times I would dance and sing and know my dreams would come true. Now I know the truth, life isn’t that easy. Dreams don’t always come true so easily.
I stood up and walked down the dark hall of my soul. I couldn’t find myself anywhere. I need to find the mirror that existed in my heart. The mirror was the only way out, the only door to exit the cage. You had to pass through each of the doors till you came to the end. That’s when you’d be free. That’s how it worked anyways. I knew that much, if nothing else. As long as I could find the door I could be free. There was a chance to find the freedom I longed for.
As expected though, the door was hidden away and I couldn’t find it. I wrote down each word, each thought that I could remember. Everything was fading into darkness again and I found my memory was doing so too. How could I stop these feelings? This rush of feelings and words I didn’t understand? How could I explain it? Could I explain it or were the words so out of reach?
A small sigh parted my lips once again. I wanted so badly to give up. But as I tried to my mind once again told me; I had to go on. There had to be something waiting for me at the end. On the other side of that final door, something great awaited me. If only I knew what. If only I knew what waited for me there. Then I could decide if all this was worth it or not.
I sat back on the grass and watched as the sun set just beyond the trees, my soul still wondering through the darkness. The light my eyes saw fade was to me, just an illusion. If only I knew the way back if there even was one. How could I hope to find the end when I couldn’t even find the beginning?
I stood up, in and out the thoughts rushed. The feelings hurt so much but I wasn’t hurt? I saw no wounds on me. I didn’t understand this at all. Why did I hurt so much when there were no wounds? I could only guess that this was what they called heart broken. Out first I didn’t understand, I still don’t. Why was I heart broken? Why did it hurt so badly? Why did I cry? No one was around to hurt me? I was alone with only my memories.
“Are you coming?” I heard a voice call to me.
I looked over to the voice, my friend Andrea. How she’d hurt me at one time but I forgave her. I wasn’t sure why, but I forgave her, just like I forgave everyone else. I guess I was too nice sometimes. Over and over I was hurt, crushed, broken, and shattered, but every time I forgave them and let it go. I just didn’t wanna be alone. I wanted to be loved. I wanted this pain to fade away into nothing.
A stood up and smiled at her.
“What’re you doing out here? I thought you were with your boyfriend?” I asked.
“I thought I’d talk to you until he’s ready for our date.” She said happily.
I forced a believable smile as usual. All I could do was force myself to be happy for her. We stood there talking for almost two hours before Mathew came out and called her.
“Ready to go?” he asked with a smile. She nodded and hugged me. She said she’d talk me later then I watched her leave.
The memories came rushing back, what else could I do? All I could do was watch her leave with her boyfriend. She loved him and I was left alone. How could I say I was jealous? It would make her unhappy. There was nothing for me to do.
I frowned slightly and walked down the old walk way through the woods to head to the library. Maybe a distraction would take away the pain. I could only hope…
I had only walked for a few minutes before hearing someone’s voice.
“Oh! Um…” I stopped and looked up. I had been staring at the ground lost in my thoughts again as usual, my own little world. I looked to a tall brown haired boy with the most beautiful blue eyes I’d ever seen. I blinked but couldn’t look away as a pink tinted my cheeks as they did whenever I thought of him.
“Ronnie…Um...hi,” I spoke shyly. I couldn’t help but feel silly now, though I wasn’t even entirely sure why. “It’s been a while. How’re you?” I asked trying not to stutter. Luckily I could keep my nervous voice steady.
“I – I’m good,” he replied. After that we got to talking a bit.
I used to date him, he was the love of my life, but he didn’t realize that and I wasn’t going to tell him. He was joining the military and after the war he was going to move it Spain or something. I tried to forget that part because it hurt too much to remember. I broke up with him a while back because of that reason. Now though, he was the first thing on my mind all the time. Every thought seemed to lead back to him and I wished now that we could get back together even if it wouldn’t last forever like I wanted.
He looked at his watch, “Oh, I got to go. Later then, Jennifer,” he said.
I nodded with a smile.
“Okay, it was nice to see you again, Ronnie. Later,” I replied softly before he walked off. I bit back a small sigh that tried to make its self known and looked to the ground sadly.
My dreams were nothing but dreams. I knew that. I wasn’t happy with that though. Why would I be?
I shook my head and walked the rest of the way to the library. I walked inside the sat down at one of the computers. I went into meebo and signed into my accounts. Paige was the first to send me a message.
She wrote to me. I smiled slightly and wrote back.
Hey, how’re you? It’s been a while, =]
As usual, it didn’t take her more then a few moments to reply.
I’m good, just been busy with school, job, and hanging out with Dakota.
Dakota was her current boyfriend who made her happy. I had to admit that I was slightly jealous that she had someone who was as nice as him. I’d told her that once but she said that you have to keep looking. I had to admit I felt like I’d been waiting all my life. I didn’t attract guys like she did. She had boys all over her and I could see why. She was beautiful. I on the other hand, was the exact opposite. I wasn’t pretty, I had the weird sense of style, I was usually really rude when I first met someone, I was kinda shy, my hair was always a mess, I was short, the list went on.
My jealousy wasn’t obvious, she was a close friend and she was important to me. I didn’t wanna loose her friendship because of something so stupid. So I kept it to myself, like everything else.
So how is Dakota?
I wrote back.
He’s doing well too,
She replied. I smiled.
Well that’s always good to hear. Lol,
I replied. After that we talked about random things. It was our usual conversations. After about fifteen minutes I got another IM from my friend Elizabeth. She was the only one who could really relate and understand how I felt.
Hey, Elizabeth, how’re you?
I asked rather dully though I hadn’t intended too.
I’m having problems getting wmm to work,
Lol, I see, it’s being stupid again? Did you ever figure out how to do that other thing you were trying to do? XD lol
I asked smiling slightly. Elizabeth’s computer seemed to hate her, much like how my computer hated me. She was an amazing artist though. She mostly drew wolves which were always beautiful. She wasn’t the best artist in the world or anything, but her art style was still very nice and wonderfully unique. I loved looking through her gallery but I never made it to the end. She had so much art, photography and stuff. It was like an endless gallery.
We started talking about her current art project and asked me for color suggestions which I happily gave. I loved being able to help her. Well, correction, I loved that fact that she wanted my help when almost no one else did.
I sighed softly and told her and Paige I had to go because the library was closing. I’d go home though and we could continue talking if they were still on. So we said our good byes and I got off.
I glanced out the window with a small disappointed sigh. Life felt…dull. No matter what I did it never changed. It was the same things every day. Sure, on some days I went different places, but it always seemed to be the same. The same thing day after day, life never changed.
I could go anywhere in the world and I wouldn’t be happy. I could do anything and I wouldn’t be happy. I guess I’m selfish. I don’t mean to be, I just am. In a way, I think maybe I’m this way because of what I don’t have. It’s clear that people who have very little want more. It’s this way in some cases anyways. Maybe, because I don’t have much and I see people with so much and they take advantage of it! They make it seem like they have nothing when they have so much! I don’t know, maybe I’m jealous too. It would make sense.
I sighed again and left the library slowly my hands stuffed in my pockets as I stared ahead of me. The world around me was like nothing. I was so afraid though. At the same time though, I longed for something horrible to happen. I wanted to be hurt, not heart break, no, I wanted to be hurt, physically. I wanted to feel the blood, the pain. I wanted to know I was alive. I wanted the mental, emotional pain to fade away. I wanted to cover it up.
Still, I was so afraid, more then others were. I was always looking behind me listening, being cautious. Yet, I wanted the danger to come, to seek me out. I was such a foolish little girl. Masochistic I guess. I can’t help it though; it’s the way I am, the way I’ve become. All I can ask is that you forgive me for being this way.
I stared ideally at the darkness in front of me, only the street lights lit the way. My thoughts, my desires, my hate, my loneliness, were all I had with me. I had no ‘real life’ friends, only my friends online. I didn’t have a boyfriend. I was homeschooled. I was all alone. Don’t go trying to tell me that I only feel this way when I’m depressed, because that’s not true. I’m always alone, I know that. I can’t go run and cry into someone’s arms. I can’t cry or express my true feelings to anyone but me.
I could hear Jinni’s taunting in the back of my mind. Jun was with me on this one. When it came to feelings, emotions and facing the real world she was the one I could talk to. She came out then.
Alternate personalities…I have four including myself. I may even have five, but I won’t place anything on that. There’s currently me, Jennifer, then Jinni – the aggressive, tomboy who highly enjoys picking fights and the pain of others.
Jun comes next on the list. I guess you can say she’s the emotional emo who’s intone with all my true feelings and honest thoughts and ideas that I – we keep to ourselves. She makes sure we don’t lie to ourselves when we lie to others.
Finally, there’s Jeanne the smartest of us all. I don’t talk to her much but I know she’s there. She’s not a very honest person but she’s very smart. She tries to keep us from getting hurt. She’s the intelligent protector though she’s not the friendliest person you’ll meet.
In last place is another personality. If you remember, I said there may be five. The fifth personality I believe to be there is a boy who I think goes by either Jason or Jasper or Johnathan. I’m unsure seeing as how I’ve for one, never spoke to him and two, am not even sure he exists. I’m a slightly paranoid person and thus I imagine things sometimes.
I’m not insane though let me make that quiet clear. Well, I guess my word doesn’t mean much. Sometimes, like you probably think, I think too, that maybe I am insane. Maybe I’m crazy and have no idea what I’m talking about. Maybe I just made it all up and have lied so much that I believe this is true now. Maybe my entire life is just one big fat lie. You see, you become this way – maybe not this bad or to this extent – when you try to be someone you’re not.
I know it’s hard, but try to be you. Learn from others experiences and knowledge. Learn from others mistakes so you don’t make the same ones. It’s hard, believe me, but you can do it. Just…believe in yourself. That’s all I can tell you.
The wind blew blowing my wavy brown hair into my face. I pushed it away and a face came into my mind. It was my face.
You know, I’m not the prettiest. I’m just a teenager. I have wavy and most of the time frizzy brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m about five feet, maybe five foot one and weigh about one hundred and three pounds. I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat – I’m average I suppose. I have ache or pimples and try everything to get rid of them. Puberty sucks, I tell ya.
I love jewelry and wear as much as I can. Currently, five necklaces, two ankle bracelets, four rings – three on the right hand one on the left hand, two bracelets, and six earrings. I wear glasses too because without them I’d trip over my own two feet. I’m a bit klutzy sometimes too. I dislike make-up though and rarely ever wear any. So yeah, I’m far from perfect. I’m normal for the most part, I guess. Also, like most girls, I try to make myself look prettier. I try to attract guys and fail usually.
No one is perfect, though I wish I could be. Then I’d be even more of a know-it-all though, wouldn’t I?
I laughed out loud at the thought of being perfect. The image I had was funny. I was standing over everyone my hands resting on my hips as I laughed evilly. Everyone was running around like ants at my feet. Like I said, it was funny.
I sighed again as the image lost its entertainment. I sat down on the sidewalk frowning. I leaned back and stared up at the night sky. The moon showed brightly tonight the stars glittering. Clouds were moving in though covering many of the stares from view. I remembered a quote I’d heard ‘aim for the moon because even if you miss you’ll land amongst the stars’. Yeah…I wondered now how true that saying was. If I tried hard enough, would I really make it amongst the stars or was it just a saying? Did I even have the ability; the talent to make it?
I shook my head a bit. I was thinking negatively again. I didn’t mean too, it just happened. I always tried to make others think positive, but I couldn’t do so myself. It was the same in anything I did. I was good at giving advice but couldn’t give any to myself. It was sad really.
I bit my lip not wishing to sigh again. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I had to apologize to myself before being so weak and unhappy. I should be happy but…I wasn’t. I was always unhappy even when I smiled. It was fake, like everything else. I looked away from the sky and down at the sidewalk displeased. Was there something wrong with me? Had I done something wrong? Did I not deserve to be happy too?
I wanted the sadness to fade, but it did no such thing. My mind sunk once again into the darkness of my heart. All the cruel things I could do to myself. My masochistic ideas came back haunting me, but I loved every idea. Still, I hated the ideas too. I hated who I was, how I thought, what I thought. I was displeased with myself, disappointed.
If only I could be free - to die and to start over with a new life, a new family, with new friends. I could start again and maybe I could find happiness. Now though, all I could do was wait for my life to end so I could start again. Would I even get a second chance? Where would I go when I died – heaven? Hell? Neither?
I doubted heaven would want me. I didn’t think I was evil enough for hell though. Where would I go? I shivered but I wasn’t cold. I stood up and stared walking again. I couldn’t stay there thinking like that.
I saw myself running. It was the figure in my mind again. The figure was me. I was running through the darkness – the darkness of my heart. It was cold and I was alone. I thought of it as a tunnel and at the end there would be a light shinning waiting for me. It would be there, waiting to welcome me with open arms. When I came to that light; when I saw it that would be when I found happiness. I ran and ran for miles, for days, or years, but I never could find that light. Sometimes I would come across a dark lamination of light but I would run through it and it would disappear and once again, I would be left alone in the darkness.
I slowly came to a stop looking around in the darkness of my heart. There was nothing, not a soul to be seen. Why? Why didn’t anyone come to save me? Why didn’t anyone come to help me? Which way would take me to the light? How? Which way was the exist? I just wanted to go home. I didn’t wanna be alone anymore!
Still, the darkness remained. I screamed out into the darkness, tears ran down my face. No one came though. This was how the figure in my mind lived. This was what she went through, day in and day out. It never changed, the darkness always remained.
I stood there on the sidewalk biting my lower lip. I was shaking slightly as the tears threatened my eyes. They didn’t fall though. They never did even when I wanted them too. All I wanted was to be saved. I wanted to be loved. Was I asking for too much? I must be, because no one loved me – only my mother. Her love, her kind of love was not the love I sought so desperately for though.
She took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes. I was getting tired. I walked down the street the rest of the way to my house. Once there I went into the kitchen where my mom sat at the table watching TV. I told her I was tired and asked her if the bed was fixed.
“No, I’ll do it now.” My mother told me. I smiled and headed to my room with a thank you while she went to fix the bed. I got changed then crawled into bed where my mom tucked me in. I still wanted her to be there to tuck me in at night. I wanted to be able to tell her I loved her and good night, just encase something happened and there wouldn’t be a tomorrow. I needed to know she loved me, and I wanted her to know I loved her.
She kissed my cheek then turned out the light and headed back out to the kitchen. I stared at my pillow quietly my eyes dull. At least, they felt dull. The music playing didn’t seem to fill the room as it usually did. It seemed so far away as if it was just a sound. I couldn’t explain it. I felt even more alone then I usually did.
I sniffled and a single tear ran down my face. I wiped it away after a moment and closed my eyes. I couldn’t sleep, I counted to a thousand and still, sleep didn’t come. Before I realized it, an hour had past and my mother was checking on me.
I wanted so desperately to be able to tell her directly what was wrong, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I was afraid of what she would think. Maybe I was afraid of admitting my thoughts out loud. Maybe there was some other reason that I couldn’t think of or couldn’t remember.
I gave up on the idea of telling her sometime after she left the room. I once again closed my eyes and snuggled deep under the warm blankets. I was so afraid. I was afraid though of nothing; nothing at all. There was nothing to be afraid of yet I was terrified. Why? I was paranoid, that’s what I told myself. It didn’t make me feel any better though.
I laid there my mind wondering from topic to topic till I drifted off to sleep. My dreams were my only escape for now. I would dream and I’d live on looking forward to a better day. Tonight though, I would sleep and dream mystical, wonderful dreams.
I would smile and I would laugh. I would cry and get hurt. Life would go on, that’s all I knew for sure. I couldn’t give up yet. I’d keep running through the darkness till my heart gave out. I’d die before I stopped. I…I wanted to know what was at the end. I need to know if all this was worth it or not. I had to make it to the end, I had to know.
One day, the world will know my name that was my hearts desire. I believed that would make me happy. So for now I rest and look towards another day. Everything may change soon for all I knew. I had to be there when it did. So into the land of dreams, because for now that’s all I had. Until one day something grand happened and my life changed. Until I reached the end of the tunnel and came into the light, I would dream, simply dream…