Guilt

If you have ever been the middle child, I can assure you that it is not all that easy. If you have an older sibling, 50% of the affection and attention is on them. Why, you may ask, it’s simple. When your older sibling graduates from high school, the move on to college. They start school for their preferred career, and of course your parents are going to be proud of that. Why wouldn’t they be. Now, for the other 50% , it goes for the younger kids in the family. Let’s say a baby and a seven year old. Now there, ALL the affection and ALL the attention goes to them. See, as a baby, you need to have your eyes on them at all times. They are little troublemakers after all. As for the seven year old, in my case, they are the most spoiled kid i’ve ever seen. If they want something, they get it, or, if they need something, they make sure they persuade their birth givers into giving them what they want.As for the middle child,( oh yeah, that’s me), you get a minimal of affection and attention. You’re so anti-social, they hardly remember you’re even living under their own roof. I’ll admit, maybe after a while being alone is better, but then you start to remember how it was like when you and your parent (my dad was single for 14 years until 3 years ago he met someone with a daughter, and they soon enough had their own kid. It was too soon) used to talk and play around and go to fun places, but now, his attention went to his new wife and kids, leaving my sister and I behind.However,soon my older sister began to talk and be with them more, she’s much more closer to them than me.I’d spent many days isolated from them. Days? What? More like 2 years, isolated. I was tired of being alone, honestly. That’s when I decided that I should talk to my parents and be more social like my older sister. That didn’t go so well. See, when you’re finally out of your little cave, and try to speak to anyone, they start to make jokes. I can handle jokes, but I do things with intentions, and if I’m being laughed at because of my GOOD intentions, what’s the point? When I finally try to make a conversation, BOOM,my dad’s on his phone using facebook, my stepmother is either taking care of the baby or talking over me, and I just feel upset. Upset because I’ve tried talking with them, and they say i’m never around. I’ve always been a good person, daughter, friend. Well, at least I used to be.2 years ago, I did something horrible. I did something a girl of my age shouldn’t have done. Before my father found out what I did, he let me go to Rosarito in Baja California.I went a weekend with my godparents, sadly my father couldn’t go. During that vacation, it was Thanksgiving and I spent it with other people than my new family. I would’ve wanted to spend that time with my family, before my dad found out what I did, I wanted to feel the warmth of the love they were willing to give.When I came home, my dad found out what I did by going through my social media, and I’ll tell you that he wasn’t very pleased. He disowned me as his daughter, he said he never wanted to talk to me again. He’s never been so upset with me before,I was ashamed of what I did. Ashamed that I got his attention in the wrong way. I didn’t dare look him in the eye when he was yelling and lecturing me. It was a painful event, and he said I wasn’t going to have a 15 that year. I understood that what I did was wrong. I was really furious with myself, one for not being smart enough to delete what I did, and two, breaking my dad’s heart without reconciliation.My birthday came up, and it was sad.I woke up that day, so early, I remember going outside to breathe the cold air. My dad was still avoiding me, and on my birthday, on Christmas Day, all I ever wanted was to have my family again. That day, I spent all day in my room, without leaving or answering anyone who had messaged me on facebook or any social media. I felt as if I were in a lighthouse, alone, and stranded, no one to talk to and no one to see. See, that lighthouse, its light never turned on.The water that surrounded it, crashed against the mountain where the lighthouse laid. I felt hopeless and worthless. My father being the only man that has been there since day one, since my mother abandoned me, was not there anymore.Months past, I went to school like nothing happened, I continued my studies, I didn’t hang with my so called friends. I felt empty. Until one day, my father began talking to me again.I still couldn’t look him in the eye when he spoke to me. I was still in pain after what I had done. He told me to just watch what I do and to be careful. And so, for the rest couple of months we were good. A few bumps with my stepmom but it was okay.In November, I met a kid I thought I was “in love” with. Sad to say that I was the one who asked him out. We were good, we were fine. Until, he started talking to a friend of mine. They became instant best friends that same month,and not to lie, I was getting jealous because he’d talk to her more than me. What saddens me about this relationship is that I tried my hardest to make him happy and be the best girl possible, but sadly I wasn’t. Little did I know, that he didn’t love me at all, he only wanted me for my body. I found that out when he broke up with me because of my insecurities. We were dating for four months, but it was a rollercoaster of feelings because he’d talk to this other girl behind my back flirting with her. The friend of mine that instantly became his best friend knew and didn’t tell me. I was hurt, and broken. I gave it my all, and I’ve never had a relationship that lasted long. I came home that day, with my eyes swollen, and my body weak.My stepmom realized, and I told her. I wasn’t supposed to be dating in the first place.i would’ve thought she’d keep it as a secret from my bad and comfort me. I was wrong. She told my dad, and once again he disowned me. Guilt. The first word that crosses my mind. All I feel is guilt. Although i feel this way there’s nothing for me to do about it. I want to fix it, but I can’t. I make everything worse, in all ways possible. My father, the one i’d look up to, the one I used to love with all my heart, vanquished before my eyes. I shouldn’t be here.






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