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she could hear the stars

she could see the world spin.
the sky spun around, swirling like the milky way and the stars turned to streaks and the streaks turned to screams and she covered her ears to close out the noise but it was still there, pounding inside her aching head.
so she opened her mouth to tell the screamer to stop but she couldn’t over the sound of her own head and a hand wrapped around and squeezed her throat, squeezed so she couldn’t breathe, so she gasped for air, for precious oxygen, and the hand grew and enveloped her heart in its grasp and it squeezed and it squeezed and she felt like she’d burst and she wanted to scream but her throat wouldn’t open so she looked out at the headlights streaming past like the stars in the sky and she thought that maybe if she couldn’t scream then her body could and in one big scream she could throw herself in front those speeding headlights and she would be better, relieved, healed.
but then she thought of her family and she shouldn’t make them scream inside, she couldn’t.
so she threw her head back and ground her teeth together and screamed through those gnashing pearls but she was still captive so she folded in her legs and held tight to her bony knees with her bony hands and rocked, wishing for it all to pass, to go to the spinning stars.
but the stars spun faster and so did the snow until everything was a mixture of bright white and dark blue and her world ended and the light went out and the black came in and sat with her and tried to speak but she screamed and squeezed her eyes shut, slamming down those betraying windows to the soul, the path to hurt but also to healing, so nothing no nothing could penetrate that slowing heartbeat.
and so the black went away but when she opened her eyes they were glassy, of ice, one last fragile measure to keep her from shattering but she didn’t see anymore, she couldn’t, it was all a blur and she knew that the salty water of her torment would soon seep into the cracks of her eyes and freeze like everything else and expand and she’d shatter and be not even a shell of what she’d been and she’d become the black.
so she screamed until it all went away until she went away and she became the nothingness she had once feared but it didn’t matter anymore because nothing mattered anymore and the sky stopped spinning and everything was still.
but the stars had gone out and the white disappeared and she couldn’t see but she didn’t scream because she didn’t feel because she once cared too much so she didn’t care at all so she didn’t cry but she missed the pain
at least

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