Unpredictable Spontaneity

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There are many things I would do if I wasn’t afraid other people were watching. I know what you’re thinking; it’s a pathetic existence. I, of anyone, would agree. But, even as I try to quiet the spontaneous part of my brain, the part that needs to do something unpredictable every once in awhile, needs to wake up at 3:00 in the morning and go outside and lie in the grass, I know it can’t be. The predictable part of my mind disagrees. The predictable part of me knows that I can do anything I put my mind to. I always have, and by the looks of it, I always will. But sometimes, I wonder, sometimes the impulsive part of my mind wants to know what would happen if, in the middle of doing something of great importance, I said no, enough, I’m done, and dropped everything. Sometimes I wonder. Never do I do.

You want to know what I want to do right now? I want to run outside and just keep running. Just spread my arms out, let my hair down, and let the feeling of the wind against me envelope my mind and soul. But before I can run a foot my mother will be calling after me, my brothers coming from behind. My father will be reached, out on business in who-knows where. There would be complications. There always are.

That’s the only thing keeping me from running. From running and never stopping until my legs grow numb, until my heart is beating a mile a minute, until my breathing becomes ragged, tearing my throat. It sounds funny but I want the pain. I want to feel it with all my being. Because then I’d know I was alive. I’d know that I’d feel something, even if the only something I feel is pain.

Predictability may be painless, may be safe and secure, but it goes farther and more beyond than one could ever imagine; no longer can you feel anything.

The predictable part of me says no, you can’t do that. You’re supposed to do what you’re told, be the nice, little girl you raised to be. You’re supposed to go on and be a goody-two shoes, no questions asked.

But now I’m asking questions. I can’t help the curiosity bubbling inside me. I want to know who is telling me to be predictable and protected. I want to know why safe and secure go above happiness and joy.

I want to know if the complications are the only thing keeping me back.

I want to know these things more that anything.

Unfortunately, you can’t always get what you want.



Its 3:00 in the morning, no one is awake, rain is pouring down from the high heavens and I am sitting in my bad.

There is something terribly wrong with this picture.

The predictable part of me is happy. Well, happiness as is safer and more protected. This part of me doesn’t feel happiness -- This part of me doesn’t feel anything.
The unpredictable part of me is screaming, yelling, throwing a temper tantrum. It’s wants to feel the rain against my skin. It wants to feel cold and shivering. It wants to feel happy, not safe and secure. It wants to feel pure and complete happiness.
Predictability is reminding me of the complications.
Spontaneity is reminding me that want is a feeling. A good feeling. Right now, any feeling is a good feeling.
But why is this a struggle in the first place? Why does protection from questions and puzzled stares come before my wants and desires?
Great, more questions added to the bunch.


It’s 3:30 and here I am still sitting in my bed. Damn.
I thought that maybe, by some miracle, without any part of my mind interfering, my legs would take me outside and just let the rain wash away everything.
But I’m still here.
Dammit all to hell!


It’s 3:42 and yes, the rain is outside and no, I am not with it.
But I’m coming to realize something. No one said I couldn’t go outside. No told me that, may there come a time in my life where I would feel the need to venture outside into the pouring rain in the middle of the night, that I should refuse my desire. So to answer my question, there is only one person I can think of that is telling me not to be spontaneous and unpredictable. And that’s me.
I’m the one telling me to be predictable. I’m the one telling me to stay inside the house. I’m the one telling me to have no feeling.
I am the one and I am the coward.
And come to think of it, I know why safe and secure go above happiness and joy. Because I am a coward. I am afraid of feeling happiness. I am afraid of feeling too much, letting my emotions take control of me. I am afraid and I am ashamed.
Look at that, I got what I wanted but it doesn’t seem as sweet as I imagined.
A wise man once said that there are two tragedies in life: one is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.
Guess which one I got?


It is 3:45. I am searching for my rain jacket. Actually, never mind, I won’t need it. I want to feel the rain on me, I want it to seep into every pore and wash away everything.
The stairs creek a little as I tiptoe down. I hold my breath. This is going to be fun. Fun. I am going to feel fun.
The door is close of course. It stands in front of me, my last barrier holding me back from feeling the rain against my skin. I scoff a little. This is easy.
I unlock the last obstacle.
I open the door.
And for the first time in my life, I let myself get completely and utterly drenched.
And it felt good.


I don’t know what time it is. I am lying in the mud shivering and cold and feeling complete as I watch the last of the starts fade away. The day is creeping up but right now, the darkness and the light are in balance and everything is at peace.
Happiness courses through my veins. It’s something familiar, my body remembers it, but it still has to become comfortable. All the same, my body welcomes it back as an old friend, relieved to have it back.
I watch the sunrise, a smile playing at my lips.





Join the Discussion

This article has 17 comments. Post your own now!

LuciaB. said...
May 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm
I can relate to this so much. Thank you for writing this.
 
Tess said...
Nov. 22, 2010 at 7:17 am

i heard alot of this one from a friend of mine ( dreaming out loud)thought i shud just give it a shot .... n lady u can write !

u got to the core , found the roots n exposed em completely ....

wanted to watch the sunrise one day at 4 in the mornin n wen i finaly plucked up the courage to do it , i reach the terrace of my building n find the door locked .... i didnt make it but im glad i didnt let the predictable part of me control me completely ...

 
DreamingOutLoud This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 14, 2010 at 12:44 pm

This is beautiful. It shows perfectly the uniqueness, the honesty of what it is like to be human, to want crazy things, being beaten back what is supposed to be 'right', 'normal' or just 'smart'.

It's just perfect.=)

 
DreamingOutLoud This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 25, 2010 at 12:25 pm

*back by what

I just tried to find more stuff by you...have you really not written more? Could you please post more stuff? =) I like your viewpoint, and I can relate to it very well.

 
Macx14 said...
Jul. 27, 2010 at 8:22 pm
I think this relates to so many of us in a way that's really not brought up every day. Very nice:D
 
Wellington This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 4:17 pm
its very true..
 
kiwi12 said...
Aug. 13, 2009 at 2:18 am
totally awesome. i think everyone can relate to this.
 
pinksage33 said...
Aug. 13, 2009 at 12:12 am
This story is amazing!!! i can relate.
 
Stephenmcrey said...
Apr. 6, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Amazingly good job!
Could you check this out to give me feedback?

TeenInk.com/raw/Fiction/article/96942/Our-Army/
 
SallySunshine said...
Apr. 6, 2009 at 3:17 am
:]
 
Matt B. said...
Apr. 5, 2009 at 3:48 am
Rachel, it's great. I get what you're referring to, and you do a good job of exemplifying it. Only criticisms would be to watch how much you use first-person, and to embellish sensory details more.
 
summergirl3916 said...
Mar. 29, 2009 at 12:49 am
rachel!! this is SOOO good. i wish i could write this well. i could see you as a famous writer when you grow up because you definitely have talent. your story was awesome and it got me thinking about some of the things you so said.
 
Sarah said...
Mar. 12, 2009 at 11:52 pm
this was deep, like the type of deep that has you questioning your own life. I was impressed.
 
EBR said...
Feb. 27, 2009 at 12:06 am
very nicely written! I really like it Rachel
 
rellieG said...
Feb. 26, 2009 at 2:38 pm
i think this story is amazing!!! i love the adjectives, verbs and the style of writing is superb!!! you're right when you say that this is for every teenager out there, for everyone who feels a bit trapped at least once in their life. love the rain so i totally agree and emphasize with the narrator/character. it's a fabulous one-shot writen by a great writer! keep writing rachie!!!
 
RachelAuthor said...
Feb. 26, 2009 at 2:35 am
ianw, i'm glad you can relate to what i was writing. Sometimes we get so trapped in our routines, we can't get out. Finally, some of us snap and change everything, hopefully, for the better. Take me with you on your walk and we'll get lost together! I really appreciate your feedback!
 
ianw said...
Feb. 26, 2009 at 12:12 am
soul mates? perhaps. I know exactly what you mean. exactly. i have been exploring the spontaneous for a short period of time myself and as of the last couple of months I have fallen into a predictable routine. day in day out i do the same thing. its so bad people have noticed and are willing to accommodate me in my routine because it must be important. where as i am miserable. this weekend I am going to get helplessly lost. i will walk until i am done walking and then walk back. hopefully. and y... (more »)
 
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