“One day the world will make sense, but until then, you have to trust me.” I shared these words of wisdom with my brother, but I didn’t know if I believed them myself. “Why? Why did mom leave us?” He whispered as if it were a secret, but no one else was around to hear us. We were alone, like we had been many times before. Ryan is ten years younger than I. I babysit him all the time when Mom would leave. Only this time, I knew it was permanent. No one was coming back. I shed my first tear of the night. “I can’t answer you Bubba, because I don’t know the answer myself.” He hugged me tighter as he cried.
My father died when I was 12. Mother knew she was in too deep. She tried to fill the loss with drugs and alcohol. Soon, she was choosing them over us as a family. Mom turned away from everyone. She didn’t even comfort me. How could she be so selfish that she expected her daughter to stay with her son while she went out partying?
Ryan was too young to understand the situation. A drunk driver swerved left of center and hit father’s car head on. He could have lived, but someone tried to pull him out from under the flipped car. They did more harm than help. His bones were so fragile, and his body snapped in the process. Mom couldn’t believe that it really happened. I’m surprised it took her this long to leave.
I, now being 17, am glad that she left us. I could take care of Ryan and raise him how a young boy should be raised. He can’t comprehend why his life has turned out this was, but I can adopt him in one month, and things can work out, at least for him.
Once Ryan was sound asleep, I tucked in his skinny body and planted a kiss on his light brown hair. After turning off the lamp, I made my way to the couch. Normally I slept on the couch or the floor in Ryan’s room, but tonight I know I wouldn’t be sleeping. The mess of the master suit spilled into the living room; drawers scattered on the floor with some old clothes and towels. Pillows were torn up. An empty spot on the dresser haunted me from the lack of the T.V. I walked to the mirror where a note was taped. “I am sorry, I can't make things right. I just can’t.”
Aggravated, I started to tidy up. If I could clean up the mess of the life I was handed, then I could easily pick up a bedroom. I filled trash bag after trash bag. The house was small and cozy, but the piles never seemed to stop. I washed the sheets on the bed and the clothes on the floor. Knowing I would need to replace many items I started a shopping list.
Tears began to creep down my face again. I didn’t have my life planned out, but I knew that with all these bills, I would need to get another job as soon as possible. With my mother's addictions, I already had to help pay and handle the family expenses, so I knew how much money was needed. I could pay for it now, but it would be cutting it close. If anything happened to Ryan or myself, I couldn’t pay for it. Dropping out of public school could be an option and taking online classes would open up my schedule. But college wouldn’t be an option for me anymore. I finished cleaning up the mess of my new bedroom. The clock read 2:27 am. I pulled out my laptop and started applying for second jobs. there was  a soft sob in the distance.
“Ryan, are you okay bud?”
He walked out of his blue, racecar room and sat next to me on the couch. “Can we live without mom?”
“Yes, but you have to be a very good boy and understand that you wont have what everyone else does.”
His teary eyes dried as quick as my final words spilled from my mouth.
“I know I don’t have parents Sis. I’m seven years old. I’m not a baby anymore” Ryan spit out. I didn’t know how to respond. After a second of complete silence I whispered back “That’s not what I meant Ry. I mean- it is going to be hard for a while.” My empty pockets sent shock into my body.
I knew he wouldn’t understand yet, but with time it would all make sense.
With this in mind, I went to the kitchen and poured a glass of milk. Behind me Ryan was asleep on the couch already. The house was empty and humid, I took off my T-shirt and sat in my sports bra. I used my shirt to wipe up my tears. Both of us barely fit on the loveseat. We were close, but not too close. All I could think about is how nothing would be the same,  yet I was ready for the challenge.