I’d like to lie with him. That’s what I read. I shouldn’t have. And I really shouldn’t read more. How could a girl like that think thoughts like these? Moreover, how could she think them about him?
If he grabbed me, I think I’d grab him back. If he kissed me, I know I’d kiss him back. Why not me? It’s not like I haven’t always been there. It’s not like we haven’t been through a lifetime together. Furthermore, I’ve seen just as much ugly from her as she’s seen from me. She won’t want me the way she wants him.
When I look at his hands, I can almost feel them… everywhere. I feel like I’m invading her privacy. And I suppose I am. No, I know I am. She wouldn’t want anyone reading this, let alone me; the best friend. My pining is for naught.
I wish he would look at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. You mean the way I do? Julia, how can you be so blind? How long do I have to wait? How long do I have to hurt myself before you understand? How long do I have to wait? Julia, please hear me when I talk. I need you to.
I dreamt of him last night. Oh good. We were at some sort of gathering. I didn’t see him show up. But he walked up to me smiling. He took me by the waist, pulled me aside, and asked to kiss me. I’ve dreamt a similar dream, Julia. It was weird, though. As I leaned in, his face morphed into Edgar’s. What? I’ve never considered his that way. And I know that he doesn’t know about my dream but I still feel nervous around him.
So that’s why. I noticed some change, but I couldn’t put a name to it. I didn’t even know Julia though such perverted thoughts as these (they do go on). But to think them about me? And on a subconscious level at that? I need to put this down. I need to. I have to. I really should put this down.
“Edgar?”