Is This Wonderland? | Teen Ink

Is This Wonderland?

September 25, 2014
By RJ_Juvenilia BRONZE, Hemet, California
RJ_Juvenilia BRONZE, Hemet, California
3 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the best YOU you can be, because everybody else is already taken" - Evelyn Fobes


All she wanted was to be alone. She sat in her room as her sister sat outside the door reading a story to her. Her mind was clouded as she stood up and grabbed a glass of red wine. The warm liquid ran down her throat and the glass dropped from her hand. Everything seemed so much bigger than before. She struggled to find the cure. All she found was a red bottle with small candy like treats. She swallowed the pill whole as the world shrunk around her. She gasped for air and unlocked her bedroom door she ran out her house and saw a group of birds circling around in the air. They sang a song that burned in her ears as she saw a rabbit cross her path. The rabbit can fix this her mind screamed. She ran after the rabbit and ended up in the forest behind her house. A caterpillar sat on a tree branch and she felt it only questioned her existence. She slapped the insect to its death as she ran from the voices that confused her. As she ran she crossed a man sitting alone having some tea. She screamed at the man and dug her fingers into her palms. The man was mocking her too.  She knocked the table over as she stormed back into the forest. A cat sat in front of her. It talked to her as its body appeared and vanished. She jumped at the cat as it hissed and ran from her. “This is madness!” she screamed. Her legs were covered in dried blood and dirt as she stumbled to her house. A deck of cards was spread across the floor. The queen of hearts stared at her. It demanded her head. It screamed a blood hurtling scream. The girl screamed as well as her conscious left her. As she woke up days later she sat in a white room. The images were gone, as were the noises. Her arms were secure but she liked being alone. 



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This article has 1 comment.


Catcher GOLD said...
on Sep. 29 2014 at 11:11 pm
Catcher GOLD, Edinburg, Texas
14 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
I can't explain what I mean, and even if I could, I'm not sure I'd feel like it.

This seems like the type of piece that is meant to be used as a means to hone certain skills. This work specifically seems perfect for practicing descriptions and imagery. I encourage you to rewrite this a few times over until it's the best it can be. I can tell you had fun with this. I like to write short descriptive pieces sometimes too, and I always have fun experimenting with words and manipulating them to serve a greater purpose in my writing. Short pieces like this are perfect for showcasing prowess in specific areas of writing. When I say you should rewrite this, I'm not trying to imply that all I got from it was a need for improvement. As it is, it is easy to tell you are talented at writing. I'm only saying that I think something like this is beneficial to improving a writer's ability when toyed with a few times. My only real critique is that you could probably focus a little more on making smooth transitions, instead of simply stating "this thing happened, then this, and finally the result was this." Flesh it out. Other than that, there is a minor need for a quick edit. Nothing too serious grammatically. For example your line "The rabbit can fix this her mind screamed." should be written as: The rabbit can fix this, her mind screamed. It isn't dialogue, but it is a break from the narrator describing everything to the protagonist directly sharing her thoughts. This requires dialogue-like conventions.