We spend our lives trying to understand the reasoning for our existence. A

simple question will ponder your mind until your driven mad by the

unanswerable mystery. My life story is kind of hard to explain, because I’ve

spent my life trapped in a lonely mind. I’ve twisted my thoughts and my mind  

has driven me mad. I can’t tell you anything specific about myself because I

don’t know who I am yet, but I’m working on it because someone brought me

back to reality, my savior if you will.

Ever since I was a child, all I did was wonder. My mind is a constant cycle of

questions, memories and constant worries. I would say I have an active

imagination but I don’t think that is an accurate way of describing it. I think I

would call myself, different, independent and very weak. I allow my mind to take

over everything because I don’t have the courage to stand up for myself, even

against myself. Every breath I breathe gets colder and every thought slowly eats

away at me. So much can happen in such a short amount of time and time goes

by too fast. So here is where my story will begin. I hope you it will teach your

something in the end.

I watch the glistening stars shine in the empty sky from my bedroom window; I

count them as if each were led astray to the wondering darkness. I can hear my

parents whispering with disappointment in their voices as I close my delicate

eyes to sleep. A lullaby no longer; instead a silent weep. Each morning I wake

with blood shot eyes and put my headphones in as my day begins again. I pull

myself from the comfort of my bed and stand to begin another day. The school

bell rings, but it doesn’t matter. I push myself through the hallways and into the

classroom, rushing to my seat as if a million eyes lay upon me. It begins to get

louder; the thoughts in my head are stronger when I can’t rely on the music to

put them to rest. I will explain my actions and not my thoughts because I don’t

want to confuse you. My day goes on without a change, hearing the cries of pain

from everyone around me. They hurt and I can’t stop it, so instead I hurt for

them. There is that ringing again, please make it stop! I want the memories to

stop. I walk home trying to brush off the pain of my broken heart and put my

headphones in again to calm my mind. It eats away at me like acid even when no

words are spoken. I open the door to a silent house, alone again. I drop

everything on the floor and drag myself up the stairs and into my room. I am

hoping that maybe tonight will be different and my mind will ease, but the odds

are against me. Before I rest my weary eyes, I twist the lock, consume

a handful of pills (maybe a few more then I should) and bury myself beneath the

blankets to soothe my ice cold skin. I wish upon a star every night that I will find

someone who can save me from myself. A wish filled with doubt and deceit but

still a wish worth holding on to. As I walk myself to school the next morning, I

hear a soft whisper coming from behind me and as I turn around, I notice the

voice is directed at me. She can’t be speaking to me, but she is. I respond

without hesitation and offer nothing less than a kind smile. As I begin to start a

conversation, I am forced to withdraw. I stop myself while in the middle of a

sentence and walk briskly the opposite direction. I didn’t even give her a chance

to tell me who she was, but it doesn’t matter because I already know all that I

need to know. I can’t stop myself from walking away from any possible

dangerous situation and I can’t allow myself to make friends because I will only

hurt them. Every step I walk further away from her slowly tears at my heart. I

slowly spin myself around and apologize for my rude actions. I hope this will not

be a decision to regret.

Throughout the night I could not forget that sweet angel I had met today and I

know I cannot change what has already been done, but maybe I shouldn’t have

allowed myself to turn around once more. She had unforgettable eyes, a sweet

and delicate smile, and the warmth of her heart seeped through her delicate

skin. I wanted to speak with her once more, so I decided to search for her

tomorrow; I decided to search for the sweet angel I had met today. I let myself

fade into the darkness of the night as I pondered the question of why she said

hello to me today. Could it have been a mistake, or would my wish finally come

true? A soft smirk appears on my face when I hear the buzzing of my alarm

because now I have a reason to wake. I find myself in a dark place when I

notice she has disappeared. Where could she have gone? Was this all in my

imagination? My day progresses as usual, until once more I hear the soft

whisper from behind me, but this time it was during class. I turn myself around

without hesitating and our conversation begins once more. Her name is Alice,

and this is a name that I shall never forget.

It’s been a few weeks now and Alice and I have been inseparable, she was the

best friend I never had. I had never known how it felt to be truly loved until

these past couple of weeks. She was able to turn my nothing into something and

she was truly a savior. Until it hit me, what if this wasn’t real? This could all be

a lie; a projection within my complex mind. The thoughts are overwhelming

and it’s hard to keep up. What if my entire life is a lie? A simple lie could

be the foundation of my existence. I begin to question everything I have ever

known until I come up with a solution to solve the endless pain engraved upon

my mind. If I was to die, this would all go away. I will be able to take away the

heart ache with this one simple solution. The only question now, is how?

I begin to sing to myself a lullaby that begins to soothe my mind. My heart is

racing now and there is a sharp sound ringing in my head. I can’t just leave. She

needs to know that this is not her fault, it is far from her fault. So I begin to

write my goodbye. As I write, I begin to whisper the words aloud as tears drip

down my pale white face.

“Oh timeless end, how sweet the sound of the angels voice whispering in my

ear. I know I have done you wrong, but I hope you know of forgiveness. For

even though, tonight I shall go, loosen the ropes bound tightly against your skin,

and set free the delicate soul beneath. For even though, tonight I shall go, my

dear this shall not be goodbye, but a sweet forever farewell...”

Tears stains begin to seep through the paper until the words are almost

unreadable. I curl myself into a ball and block the beautiful memories that could

possibly change my mind. Could I run away, or would I be easily found again by

the darkness of my mind? Blood begins to drip from my arm as I realize my

fingernails have clawed them bare of skin and I find myself trapped in this black

hole of despair. I close my eyes and scream with all that I have until suddenly I

can’t hear my voice any longer. Everything becomes empty and I am left with

nothing but a piercing white light surrounding me. I spend what seems like

eternity in this emptiness and for once, I feel happy. I feel no pain, no heart

ache, no worry, no death, no deceit, I feel nothing. I feel as if I could spend

forever caressed in the emptiness that I have never known. My peace is

interrupted by the soft whisper of a voice and a light shining directly upon me. I

feel a nudge and my eyes burst open. Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel like

I am somewhere unfamiliar? Where has the peace gone? All my questions

become answered when I hear an unfamiliar voice explain to me that I wasn’t at

home, because I was in the hospital.

I was told that I had a heart attack and my heart was very weak. Apparently I

had fallen when my heart attack occurred and I was put in a coma for several

days; enough days to make the peaceful emptiness soothe my deeply destroyed

mind. I found Alice asleep by my bed and my parents were nowhere to be found.

She awakes and begins explaining to me that she had found the note I wrote, and

she wasn’t ready to say goodbye. She came by to visit me every day after

school and in between my therapy sessions. Whenever she went away, things

began to fall apart again so I needed her. Everyone needs somebody, if not a

savior, a friend. Everybody needs someone to repair the damage done within

them. We all need to be loved and we all need to love in return. Sometimes a

permanently damaged mind and heart can be caused by a simple goodbye, and

sometimes everything can be turned around if you find the courage within you to

say hello.