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A Tragic Story This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

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A lot people think that it is my fault. The news and papers criticized me, questioned my state of health. Investigators poked and prodded at my memory. But what people don't get is that, yeah I was there. But I still hear her screams at night. They rattle around in my brain like marbles in a tin can. I can still feel the impact, see the lights. What they don't understand is that every time I close my eyes, another memory floods in. I haven't slept in 3 days.

October 31, Halloween
She was a ghost; a thin peice of fabric draped around her loose frame, crude holes for eyes. I was a princess; my graduation dress from last year and a stolen tiara. We made quite the crew. Her pillow case/candy holder almost full. Mine was barely up to the checkered line. Her laugh warbled out from under the white cloth. "We should hit Jhonsons Street next" she said. I nodded slowly; taking care not to knock my tiara off my head. Two streets later and we arrive at the first mailbox. She lifts up the handle and the crackle of the shaving cream bottle sputters to life. White foam spurts all over the crisp envelopes. I don't need to see the smile that is already on her face. We walk down two houses and she repeats the drill. Again down two houses. But instead of continuing the routine, she stops still.
Her finger presses against the fabric in a place I can only imagine as her mouth. I stop, the candy bag growing heavy in my hands, my arms shaking from the cold. "What is it?" I whisper. She shakes her head as if to signal that she doesn't know. I glance up and down the street. The lamps now bathing the wet pavement in a luminescent glow. Kind of eerie. With a shrug of her shoulder, she bent down and poored more shaving cream into box number 247. I still don't understand how the bottle made that much noise, but the cars motor purred silently behind us. I still don't understand how I didn't scream as the red stained the white. I still don't understand why my only impulse was to fix my broken tiara. I didn't even remember when it fell. I stood there staring at the half full bottle of shaving cream, only just coming back to my senses when the taillights of the car careened down the abandoned street.
I guess that's why they thought it was me. Because when they all finally arrived, her chest had stopped rising, and the sun had started. I had my head in my hands, my brain not working, not thinking. I guess that's why I have to hide from her family because word has it there is a death word out on me. But. I am here to set the record straight. She didn't die because of me. And she didn't die of cardiac arrest in hospital room number 247. No, she was attacked, on a childrens holiday. Wearing her moms sheet and her favorite Chuck Taylor's. she was a victim of a hit and run.

No matter what they say, I think she would have liked that I stayed, that I didn't run.




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RainyMoodThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
today at 1:17 am:
Oh ya and I dont really like the title...its a little boring and cliche
 
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RainyMoodThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
today at 1:16 am:
4/5 This was really good. I liked the way you ended it. Some parts were better than others but overall you did really good. I would have liked the characters to have been a little more personalized though....
 
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dbk1098This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Sep. 2 at 6:46 pm:
This is soooo great! Love the suspense and imagery. You are a great writer!
 
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GraphicWriterThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 15 at 1:24 pm:
A good story. Gripping. Suspensful. But a little jagged in places like the beginning. I get that maybe you're trying to make it seem a little chopping, like in movies when the scenes go back and forth, back and forth. But this is writing, so I suggest you connect them a little more. Overall, a good story. I liked it. I wanted to read more.
 
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ephemeral said...
May 27 at 2:58 am:
The diction has clear voice, and I'm pierced by the tragedy of the plot. The clarity lags around the actual shooting, and while I acknowledge it's for the sake of traumatic ambiguity, I just feel that it could be developed only slightly more to include depth of the girl's reaction and perhaps a focus on the death of the other girl. I feel like her death here is communicated impersonally, like a more modern version of The Stranger. If your goal is a disjoint, you might consider rework... (more »)
 
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Ishara said...
May 25 at 12:43 pm:
I think it's good, just a bit here and there at the start. By the and it makes complete sense thought :) Nice job :)  
 
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guardianofthestarsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 20 at 9:17 am:
Wow. That was so sad and chilling it gave me goose bumps! The details and the lack of them make the story breathtakingly good! 
 
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Jade.I.AmThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 12 at 11:17 pm:
This is soooooo good ...and sad!!! The way u write is very suspenseful here :D
 
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ShagunThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 4 at 11:11 am:
okay, i realise that this is probably your third article i'm commenting on. I am not stalking you, i swear. I just love your work. This article is so incredible moving and powerful. I love how it all seems abstract yet connected in the begining but tied together beautifully in the end
 
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Cutey-BeautyThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 1 at 1:50 am:
I was slightly confused in the beginning, but you managed to pull everything together in the end in a very beautiful way that I just love :D  Keep on writing! 
 
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TheSkyOwesMeRainThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 29 at 6:53 pm:
Brilliant work! My favorite was the ending, it was so powerful and really brought everything together :)
 
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wordnerd54 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 28 at 10:48 pm:
This is great!! I love the connection between the hit and run, and the fact that she didn't run (the last lines of the story, essentially.)  That really pulled the entire piece together. Nicely done!
 
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Hanban12This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 27 at 9:49 am:
Wow! This is AMAZING! I love how its so deep and how the reader figures out teh plot right off the bat. Characterization- Perfect. Imagery- Perfect. .Nothing to change, just loved this piece! :)
 
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LexusMarieThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 23 at 6:27 pm:
LIV! OMG! YOU GOT THE CHECK MARK! YAY! Okay, I had to get that off my chest! I am so happy for you! I told you, patience! (; This was amazing! The title is what captures people's attention, they know it's obviously going to be tragic, but the title makes it that much more appealing. The first paragraph is such a nail-biter, you are so ready to read more and you can't even begin to start reading it fast enough. But, the emotion already hits you. You read the next paragraph and the sus... (more »)
 
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MckayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 23 at 1:46 pm:
I want to congratulate you on creating a deep and emotional—amazingly compelling story. I want to praise you as you deserve; thus, I must state that there were some minor punctuation errors. But that can easily be remedied. Okay, good stuff now. Da*n, this stroy is thrilling. I love how you build suspense. It's like an episode of Law and Order or CSI. I'm telling you make this into a novel. I want to know more of these characters. Give them names. Tell me their story. How it all ha... (more »)
 
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Artgirl1999This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 23 at 10:29 am:
This was good, but you could make it more clear. Make the part where the little girl is hit more dramatic. As it is, it takes a few seconds for the impact of what happened to sink into the reader's mind.
 
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