The days have grown grim. With no one around to even talk with me I think I have come to abandon all good manners my former life had to offer. I sit in this little room. In the back of this shed and I wonder what’s next. Many ideas and thoughts go through my mind. I have an entire future planned for myself. I want to go back to school again, which is kind of surprising considering just last month I never wanted to go to school ever again. I feel like an animal, lost and bewildered. I crouch back here with any number of insects and things crawling about. I would give anything to taste real food again, to have my hunger satisfied. With each passing day, the sky grows ever more dreary and hopeless. How have I become this?
~Two months ago~

I awoke to the sun spilling onto my face and into my eyes. I stretched and tumbled out of bed. Mornings were the start of a new day and a fresh start in the world. Actually, no, no they are not. I can’t tell you how many times I have woken up disappointed that some creature of the night hadn’t eaten me or that I hadn’t accidentally suffocated with my face in my pillow. Pathetic, I know. But, here I was again getting into the shower, washing, getting out again, only to face a group of my peers who neither liked me nor hid that fact in the slightest. I didn’t mind that though. School was a part of life that I could not escape. Actually, I was a really good student. I excelled academically, but with the IQs of the miscreants that made up the student body population that wasn’t a good thing.

I walked through the front doors just as the first bell rang. Perfect. That meant I had just enough time to get to my locker and to class without anyone to bother me. Time passes so slowly when you are sitting in a desk, listening to some holier-than-thou teacher lecture about the true morals behind some of the greatest classics of all time. Those writers had more going on in their brilliants minds than just “good” and “bad.” They had complex notions on people’s character and what had made them that way. Their plots were dynamic with multiple subplots, character dimensions, and settings. Reading a good novel was like taking a journey into another world, where people can be kind if you get to know them. This lecture was boring me to death. Literally, I began to doodle little tombstones with my name under the cliché R.I.P. All of my other classes resumed like this. No talking, no real discussion, nothing that remotely interested me.

“Hi, umm do you know where B-11 is?” My head turned over my shoulder in the direction the voice had come from.

“Umm yeah, it’s right down that hallway.” I barely whispered. Despite the arrogant ramblings in my head, I was really socially awkward. Books could only get you so far in the world.

“Thanks, but I’ll probably get lost, can you show me?” His eyes smiled into mine with the slightest tinge of interest. I couldn’t believe was I was seeing. A red-blooded teenage boy, a cute one, was actually talking to me, and asking me to show him where to go. Me, the girl with the bleach blonde hair cut into crazy, choppy layers with the tips dipped in red. Me, with my cat-eye makeup that I saved for Fridays. Me, the freak. I stared at him for a few seconds waiting for the beeping of my alarm clock to drag me out of my dream, but it didn’t happen.

“Uh…sure. Follow me.” I mentally shook myself and motioned for him to follow me. He must be joking, and when I turn around he will be gone and I will have walked all this way for nothing.

“Sorry to bother you. I’m new here. My name is Drake.” He walked right beside me so my eyes turned to get a better look at him. He had the most gorgeous green eyes that looked right into my soul. His hair was what many ignorant people referred to as emo, dark and swept across his left eye. Drake was definitely fit, his biceps were clearly defined under his black v-neck shirt.

“You’re not bothering me in the slightest. My name is Kim.” I smiled. He had been looking at the books I held in my hands like he knew exactly what they were, almost like he had read them.

“Kim. I like that name.”

I think that smiles tell a lot about a person. A person with a crooked smile is usually mischievous and fun. A person who smiles with only one side of their mouth seems to be confident, but really is quite insecure. A person who smiles widely, always showing teeth tends to be very confident in themselves. I envy those people. And, a person who smiles just a little, with no teeth, just their lips curving up, is a person who has been through some tough times and still has the guts to brighten someone’s day, even though they themselves may not feel bright in the least. Drake’s smile was a mix of crooked and just a little smile, almost as though he were afraid to show his perfect white teeth. Yes, there was a story lurking in that v-neck and skinny jeans. It was one I had never read, but I wanted to.

So that was how it all started. Drake and I began to hang out all the time. I found it very awkward at the beginning, I wasn’t used to people liking me enough to want to hang out at all, or even really be around me. If I was them, I wouldn’t want to be around me either. But, Drake did. We laughed at each other’s lame jokes and he let me cry on his shoulder when my problems came pouring from my eyes. I told him pretty much everything about my life, except that I was a cutter. The scars on my wrists forever needed to be hidden. I couldn’t let him, or anyone, see those.

His life was much different than mine. He moved here because his dad was in the military, and apparently that meant moving every few months. I felt sorry for him, being the new kid once in third grade was hard for me. I could never imagine emerging among new faces every few months. Drake found it hard too. He told me that he distanced himself from people, so that it wouldn’t be so hard to say goodbye every time. His parents were nice though. I met them a few times. Drake’s mom was one of those ladies who felt a moral responsibility for every child, not just her own. To me she seemed like exactly the person I wished for as a mother. Drake didn’t dress the way he did out of anger or resentment. His clothes signified the defiance of his heart; I couldn’t help envying that spirit.

“Kim?” He asked one day while we were lying in his backyard picking shapes out of the clouds.

“Hmm?” I mumbled looking at a kitten shaped cloud.

“I don’t know when I’ll have to move again...but...”

“Yeah?” I was now all ears. I knew from his voice he was about to say something that he wished he didn’t, like the time I had relish stuck in my teeth and he felt bad for telling me.

“Well, I just don’t want to have to say goodbye to you.” His voice grew soft at the end of his sentence.

“Drake, I don’t want to say goodbye to you either.” I placed my hand on his shoulder in what I thought was a comforting gesture.

“You know something?” His laugh was dry and humorless.

“What?”

“You’re the first person I’ve had come to my house since I was five.” His green eyes stared into the clouds, almost like they were searching for something.

“That’s funny…” I mumbled. His was the first house I had been to since I was eight.

“What’s so funny about it?” He looked at me puzzled.

“It’s just, I haven’t been to anyone’s house besides yours since I was eight…” I looked away. At least he had a good reason for not having so many friends, I was just a freak of nature.

“Really? Why? You’re so funny and sweet and just amazing and…” He trailed off and as I looked at him I noticed a slight pinkness in his cheeks. I felt the same rise into my own.

“I am? No, no I ‘m not.” I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest resting my chin upon them. I had to admit, he was a good liar, a sweet liar.

“Yes you are.” Drake sat up and moved so he was sitting in the same position I was, only facing me.

“I’m never going to believe you.” I smiled a bit.

“Well…” He stood and grabbed me by my waist flinging me onto his shoulder in one quick movement. “We’ll see about that.”

“Put me down! Don’t you drop me!” I giggled as he walked back into his house and over to his couch.

“You are a wonderful, amazing person.” He laughed as she plopped me on my back and began to tickle my sides. I was giggling so hard I could barely answer him.

“Still don’t believe you.” I didn’t think he could understand my laugh-talk.

“You are!” He tickled me harder sending me into another fit of giggles.

“I still don’t!” I yelled and laughed. He was going to have to do much better than tickling.

Suddenly, Drake leaned down so that our foreheads touched and our noses barely grazed each other. He looked into my eyes with his soul deep green orbs and slowly, gently pressed his lips to mine. I felt butterflies in my stomach and feelings I had never had before. I closed my eyes and melted beneath him. When he pulled away he looked into my eyes again, with passion in his own. “You are beautiful Kim. Don’t ever think that you’re not.” He pulled me into a warm, protective embrace and I hugged him back with everything I had. He was the first person to ever say anything like that to me. Ever.

“I believe you.” I whispered into his hair.

Drake and I became inseparable. He was my only friend, and in all honesty, the only friend that I wanted. So many people were fighting tooth and nail to be one that everyone liked or who everyone wanted to be like, but I had Drake and he was the only person that I needed. The cuts and scars on my wrists were the only reminder I had of how truly awful I was. Drake just never saw how ugly I was, and I loved him for that. Loved him!? Yes, I supposed I did.

My parents still had never met Drake. I was not embarrassed about him, not at all. I was afraid of what my parents would say, and what they would do. I knew all too well the repercussions of one mess up. Saying that my parents were over protective was an understatement. They were the kind of parents who required information like exactly where you were going to be, at what time, who was going to be there, would you be moving, and when you would be home. I didn’t mind telling them this at all, it was just that it didn’t seem like they understood that plans changed. Sometimes I would end up somewhere that I didn’t originally plan on and they would have little parental heart attacks when I got home and pretend like they cared about me. It still angers me that they literally think that I’m that naïve. They don’t actually care about me, they care about what people will think when they see me or when they see that I didn’t come home at the right time. It never fails to amaze me how hypocritical some parents can be. I knew that Drake wanted to meet them, but I just wasn’t ready yet.

“Kim is that you?” My mother’s voice came from the kitchen as I stepped into the house.

“Yeah.” I yelled back.

“Can you come here for a minute?”

“What is it?” I asked walking to the fridge to get a bottle of water.

“Your father and I have something to tell you.” I looked over to see my father, with his usual dull expression looking back at me. You know that weird sense you have when you know someone is about to tell you something terrible? Unfortunately, I have that too.

“Okay. What is it?” I hesitated. Did I really want to hear this?

“Well, we decided it is time for you to know. You’re old enough now to understand. When you were a baby, your birth mother put you up for adoption because she couldn’t raise you herself. We adopted you, because you were the most perfect looking little girl we had ever seen.” My mother smiled at me like she wished I would understand. I just stood, staring at them, frozen.

“I don’t know what’s happened to that wonderful little girl we found. We tried to protect you from everything. We tried to make you feel loved, but you just seem not to care about that.” I looked down at my feet. My father was right. I had seen old pictures of myself as a child, happy and smiling. Since then, I couldn’t find my place in the world. I didn’t want to.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, not trusting my voice. I felt tears beginning to well up in my eyes so I turned and ran from the kitchen, up the stairs and into my own room I closed and locked my door before I flopped onto my bed. The tears flowed freely down my cheeks, soaking my blankets with little wet spots. I knew that I wasn’t wanted. I had always known that. Feelings of pain, guilt, and shame filled every sob that escaped my lips and caused my body to convulse. I heard my parents leave the house and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

I screamed, loud and from the very depths of my being. The pain in my soul continued to emit from my throat bringing out the pain from within my soul. I screamed until my throat was raw and I could no longer hear myself. I was curled in a ball on my floor lying against my bed. Tears poured down my cheeks as I sobbed. I was so pathetic. I was worthless. I was unwanted. I was nothing.

That night, sleep fell upon me due to pure exhaustion. My body was sore, my head ached, but there was nothing left of me. My dreams were haunted by the creatures my mind had made up long ago, demons that told me the truth. They were whispers in the back of my mind that told me how ugly I was, told me to skip meals, and told me that I was worthless, but they never let me die.

When I woke up, my body felt as though it had been run over by a truck multiple times. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and sat up. For those few seconds life seemed normal, until my memory came crashing back into my mind. I sighed; all of my emotions had been spent the night before. I had nothing left in me. I went through my morning like a zombie, not showing any emotion. When my parents asked me how I was I told them a lie and walked out the door. I needed Drake, but I could never tell him why. All of my self-loathing began to sting on my wrists. I pulled the sleeves on my hoodie down farther. F***.

“Kim! Hey, wow, you look like hell. What’s wrong?” Drake met me at my locker and hugged me but pulled away when I couldn’t find the strength to wrap my arms around him.

“Nothing. I just couldn’t sleep last night.” I lied, but I wasn’t even a good liar.

“Kim, you’ve been crying. I know you better than that.” His voice was soft and caring. If I had any tears left I would have begun to cry.

“It was nothing, I promise.” Why did I keep lying?

“Let’s go to my house. You can miss one day of school.” He grabbed my hand, twining his fingers with my own. I followed like a small child, unable to really do anything else. When we finally got to his house, both of his parents were at work so the house was empty. Drake pulled me over to his couch and sat me down, looking into my eyes. I simply blinked, not even really seeing him.

“Drake…I….” My sentence began again, but I knew it would never be finished.

“Kim I know something happened. Please, tell me what’s going on. You seem like you’re not even here with me right now.” His green obviously saw nothing behind my own besides emptiness.

“If I told you, you would hate me. I wouldn’t blame you either, I hate me too.” I whispered looking down at my lap, at our entwined fingers and how perfect they looked. I didn’t deserve this.

“Kim. I could never hate you. You are the only person I have gotten close to in years.” He put his finger under my chin to lift my gaze to his own.

“No. You would. I know it.” I shook my head and looked back down.

“Kim I couldn’t! Ever! I love you okay!? When you love someone you help them no matter what. No matter what Kim! I want to help you!” There was anger in his voice that made me cringe, but he said he loved me. Did he really? I loved him so much, but could he really love me?

“Drake…I….I love you too.” I smiled a little and looked into his eyes. He smiled back at me and pulled me into a hug that I desperately needed.

“Kim, please tell me what happened.”

“My parents told me that I’m adopted.” I could tell him that, but I could never tell him about my wrists.

“Oh, I’m sorry. But why is that so terrible?” Drake was genuinely curious.

“It just…everything clicked when they told me. Now I know why I never felt wanted or loved. Not that they didn’t try, I just knew deep down that I didn’t belong. It hurts.” My voice began to shake on those last words. His arms wrapped around me again holding me close.

“Kim you are not unwanted or unloved. I love you.” He kept whispering sweet nothings into my ear, his hand rubbing my back gently. I felt a bit better, but my demons were still there. They were telling me that I didn’t deserve to have Drake. I couldn’t help but believe them.

We sat on his couch, in his living room, him holding me with my head resting on his shoulder for what seemed like an eternity. It felt right, and yet so wrong. I couldn’t begin to get past the wall that had erected itself around my heart to block out anything that made me feel like a human being. I needed to go home. I needed to pay for my life.