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Zombie Girl

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She lay on her bed, staring into the ceiling above her decorated with the glow in the dark stars and galaxies her mother had put up. She flopped onto her left side and looked at the three mugs, so far, of coffee on the dresser next to her bed. She got up and looked straight into the mirror in front of her. She observed her face- the wrinkled brow, the eye bags, the dark circles around her eyes. Her eyelids made an attempt to close, but she slapped herself hard on the shoulder. No, she could not possibly allow herself to fall into it. It brought her to a whole new world, one she didn’t want to be in, what more part of at all. It caused her pain and agony. Sweat and tears. Guilt and shame.The way it sucked everything out of her. And, the worst feeling that lingered when she woke up. Yes, she was afraid of going to that one place. She needed it and would die soon without it, but she simply wasn’t strong enough to fight it.

Yes, sometimes we need to abstain from our necessities to survive. If it made her look tired and hopeless, that would just have to be the price to pay in order to survive. She took a long sip of her coffee. She would soon need something way stronger. Her body cries out for it, but she declines. If she thought about it long and hard enough, she would realize that both ways would lead to a slow, painful death. It was only up to her to buy herself some time. This ‘time’, though, was not exactly to her benefit. She honestly didn’t have much left. It was running out. And so were her chances of survival. ‘Is any this worth it?’ she’d find herself thinking more than a couple of times. But, no, she couldn’t give up on it.

Never again would she let history repeat itself. She wasn’t like them. If anything, she was the exact opposite of what they were. They let it happen to them. She never will. They are afraid of their past. She makes it her strength for the future. She had to escape somehow and doing what they did in any way was not going to help. Her parents’ mistakes weren’t hers. She could make her own ones if she had to, but never theirs would she repeat. She was bound to fall into it, but she was doing all she could to stall it. She was afraid. Terrified, really. She was afraid that she wouldn’t be good enough. She was afraid of being caught. She was afraid of being swallowed up by her very self. It terrified her and there was nothing she could do about it except to pretend it wasn’t really there. “If I don’t talk about it, then maybe it isn’t real.”

She continued life as it was, though. She went to school like any regular kid would, but alas, she was nothing like any regular kid.

“Zombie Girl”. That’s what they called her. She often came looking haggard and fatigue, not bothered about her appearance whatsoever. She’d get up on the morning and simply wash her face. Cleaning up and grooming wasn’t going to be enough to cover up the mess she had made of herself. She knew that. She knew it all too well. Instead, she chose to be what she called ‘herself’. No one believed it, of course. They just thought she was some messed up kid on crack. They chose to think that. None of them ever bothered trying to talk to her. Finding out what happened to her. No, they’d rather just stand back, watch the show and make their snarky little remarks behind her back. Real mature of them. Except for this one, though. This one that defined the difference.

She sat on the swings after school one day. It was the one place no one would find her for that particular playground had long been abandoned. It wasn’t very possible for someone, anyone, to find her there. She leaned back and let the wind blow hard, pushing the hair out of her face. She closed her eyes and continued swinging as she often did. Here she found peace. Here she found serene. Here she found rest. Here she could escape the attacks of her deep sleep. Here she found…

Just then she felt a hand on her back, pushing her ever so gently. Before she could turn around to see who it was, he brought his face close to hers and whispered softly in her ears.
“You’ll make it.”
“But, why would you..? Why would anyone..?”
Then, she turned around and looked right into his bright green eyes. She could get lost in those eyes, she thought.
Yes, she was narcoleptic, but here she was being accepted for just that. She was being loved for her flaws. For the very things that made anyone else gag. None of it mattered to her anymore. She grinned at him, their fingers intertwined.

Here, she found home.



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