When I say the word 'bully', what probably comes to your mind is the stereotypical playground bully or maybe a bully from your childhood. One that took your lunch money or pelted you with breathtaking words and slanders. But.. When I hear the word bully someone slightly different comes to mind. I think of a mirror. I see myself. I see the 4 different faces of the people who so forcefully reside in my mind. I see them laughing at me and taunting me I hear their voices screaming out things I wouldn't dare repeat. They get louder and louder all trying to be heard. They echo. They overlap each other. "Worthlessss-lesss-le, Fa-fat, no one needs you-you-you-you, why don't you just go die, no one would care." I walk around all day with these voices chipping and chipping away at me. I smile refusing to give them that satisfaction. I know I'm the only one that can hear these monsters crying out. But I never talk with anyone about them because only crazy people hear voices, right? And I'm not crazy, right? So I stay strong and try to help others, try to make the world a better place. But the voices, whose names I shall not conceal, tell me I'm not helping those people, they can't be helpled. Somedays I know they are just a figment of my imagination but other days I seem to wonder. With if they aren't. What if these voices in my head aren't just some made up thing. I know that one day I will snap. I will probably eventually obey their rabid commands just to appease my mind. But some of the thoughts and blueprints they plant in my mind are simply unfathomable. Unthinkable. Who could even do that? Then I realize... I could.. They're only a figment of my imagination, remember? Some bullies you face on the play ground. Others are with you every moment of everyday, they follow you around, call you names, you give plans, tell you how easy it would be to just end it all. And those, my friend, those are the real monsters. The ones you can't beat up. The ones that aren't found under your bed.
Monsters under my bed
January 25, 2013