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Attention Whore

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I felt like an idiot, sucking on that cigarette. It was three in the morning and I was huddled up on my roof with nothing but a pair of old shorts and a cardigan to protect my skin. The sky was pitch black and the night was cold as ice, and there were a million other things I would have rather been doing.
But I’ll tell you something. I stayed up on that damn roof until I had smoked my way through half the pack.
Why?
Because after I was done, and after I had crawled back through my window and settled into my bed, I felt better than I had ever felt before.
And it had nothing to do with the tobacco.

I was always the kind of girl who felt better in the back of the class. Huddled away, faded into the wall, curled up where no one could find me—that’s where I felt comfortable. My entire elementary school career was spent perfecting this image. And then when middle school hit I started to realize that this type of life style wasn’t going to work for me. I wasn’t okay just sitting in the corner anymore—I wanted to be seen.
Only problem was, I couldn’t bring myself to step away from the wall. I’d open my mouth to talk, and nothing would come out. I’d raise my hand, and realize I hadn’t moved at all. I was trapped.
This continued all the way up into high school. As far as I’m concerned, it’s still continuing today. I’ll always be part of the background; it’s just my nature. I was born to be an extra. So I haven’t fixed myself yet.
I have, however, figured out what’s trapping me.
Whenever I do finally get the strength to speak up, I want it to be loud. I want it to stun people and shock them so bad they have to sit down. I want them to be breathless. When I finally speak, I want to scream.
Silently, I have already begun my cry. I’ve picked up smoking and drinking and I think I’ve even snorted a few pills along the way. I’ve been working up a surprise for everyone—and when they finally find out, they’ll be so shocked they won’t be able to stop thinking about me.
Yes, I did feel like an idiot smoking all those cigarettes. I felt like an idiot sitting at the back of the class, too. But when my parents find out what I’ve done—all that I’ve done—they’ll be the idiots. And I’ll be high on attention—soaring on a feeling sweeter than any drug can ever get me.
I’ll be happy for once. And once I get up there, I don’t think I’ll ever come down.




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This article has 3 comments. Post your own!

. said...
Nov. 6, 2012 at 6:07 pm:
That was great! I really liked it and as CammyS said, it was interesting to see something like that from a different perspective. It made me have a slight understanding.
 
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CammySThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 6, 2012 at 6:47 am:
Nice story Brotoine! I never really thought about the "why" for smokers and drinkers, but I think you summed it up nicely. Thumbs up!
 
BrotoineThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 25, 2012 at 5:59 pm :
thank you! 
 
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