There are those special people in life. You know, the ones who change the way you look at the world. The ones who, even though you may never see them again, they never really leave you. Those people who change your whole life so incredibly, that all the words in the world couldn't help you thank them enough. For me, that person was Addy Sutton.
I met Addy when I was five years old. It was the first day of kindergarten, and I was one of those children who wasn't just all fired up to leave their mommy at the door. In fact, I was a crier. My mom had explained that I was going to start school today, and I'd been excited about it. I was ready to learn, to start a new adventure. What my mom hadn't told me was that she would leave. And when it registered in my five year-old mind that my mom was saying good-bye, was leaving me in this foreign place to go to work, I latched onto her and refused to let go.
When they'd finally managed to pull me of my mother's leg long enough for her to get out the door, I simply stood there, very reluctant to leave this relatively safe corner of the room. I felt incredibly small, and let's face it, I was. My birthday was the day before the cut-off date for starting kindergarten, so I was the youngest person in the class. Some of the kids were nearly a year older than me. And to top it all off, I was small for my age. So not only were these kids much older than me, but they were much bigger too!
For the first fifteen minutes of class I stood in the same spot, stone still, waiting for my mother to come to her senses and run back to take me home. I kept expecting the door to swing open, revealing my mother, frantic and anxious. She would rush over to me, pick me up, and plant a big kiss on my cheek. She'd explain to the teacher that she'd made a mistake, that I didn't belong here, and that she was taking me back home. But she never did. After another ten minutes, I knew she wasn't coming back for me.
But still I stood there, unwilling to move, my arms stiff at my sides. Even when the teacher came over to ask me if I wanted to color, I refused to leave that spot. My lip quivered, and my eyes filled with big preschooler tears.
“Hey! Don't you want to come play with me?” A voice said, breaking into my thoughts. I looked up to see a girl waiting expectantly for an answer. She was about an inch or so taller than me, with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She wore a blue play-dress exactly like the one I had begged my mom to buy me just the week before, only it had been too expensive. Her shoulder length hair was pulled up in two pig-tails, with a huge blue bow on one side. “Well, are you coming?”
And that was the beginning of our friendship, a friendship that changed my life for the better. All because of Addy.
_________________
Addy and I maintained a steady friendship all through kindergarten, and it carried over into elementary and even middle school. I was there for her during third grade when her dog, Ellie, got lost. She was there for me in sixth grade when my grandmother died. I teased her when she admitted to her first crush, Jude Wilkerson, and she did the same when I admitted to my first crush, Matthew Reed. We laughed together, we cried together. We fought sometimes, and would make up the next day. We counted on each other for support. We promised each other that we'd always be there for each other. But then, my dad's work offered him a job, an even better job, on the other side of the country. And it wasn't really much of an offer. They told my dad that he could either take the job, or leave the company, and work wasn't all that easy to find. So we moved.
I still remember that day. My dad's boss had allowed us to stay just long enough for me to finish out eighth grade, but they told us my dad had to be in the office three weeks after my school let out. If he wasn't, the job would be offered to the next guy in line. So there I was, just one week after school was over for the summer, and I was saying good bye to my best friend.
The moving men were busily working away, emptying our house into a truck. And in the midst of it all, Addy and I just stood there awkwardly, not really sure what to say. What DO you say in a situation like that? You might have a hundred and one answers to that question, and now I could probably come up with something to relieve the tension, but that didn't help me then.
“We can still email.” Addy said, trying to strike up a conversation. “You can send pictures of your new house to me, and I can send you pictures of... of me.” She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.
“Yeah, sure. Sounds great!” I smiled too, trying to make her feel better, but I knew it couldn't possibly be very comforting. And we waited until my mom came to tell me that we were packed up and needed to leave.
I stood there, looking at Addy. I hoped upon hope that someday we would get to see each other again, but I knew also that my dad didn't have any intentions of moving back. Addy and I hugged tightly, and I never wanted to let go, although I knew I would have to. And just before we pulled apart, she whispered in my ear, “I won't ever forget you.”
_________________
The years went by faster than I ever believed possible. Almost before I knew what had happened, I was in my senior year of high-school, and then I was starting college.
For several years I was able to keep up a long-distance relationship with Addy. We emailed multiple times a day, talking about this, that, and the other. But sometime during our junior years in high-school, I began to see a change, so gradual and so slight that I almost didn't notice. Addy's emails began becoming shorter, and farther between. It finally got to the point where I would only receive about one email every other week, and those were alarmingly confusing. Addy would jump between topics faster than made any sense to me, and frequently there would be a sentence or two in the email that made no sense at all! It almost appeared to be a dozen different words strung together in seemingly no order. Addy also started telling me that she was being spied on, that everyone was watching her. She told me she didn't know who to trust, not even her own parents.
But the real heart breaker came just before graduation. It was in that email that she told me she no longer knew that she could trust me. She said that she couldn't tell anymore if people were telling her the whole truth, part of it, or even a complete lie. She said that maybe someone was controlling me, trying to steal her “talents” through me. It was the last email I received from her.
After two months of not getting any emails or hearing anything about Addy at all, I called her mom. With a weary voice, her mother explained that Addy had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. She was in the process of getting some medication that would hopefully help her to return to some sort of normal, but the doctor said she would probably never be the same again.
_________________
I started college the year after my high-school graduation. I was taking classes several times a week, and with the homework from each of those classes, I was really bogged down. I had hardly any time to dwell on Addy for pretty much my whole freshman year of college, which was, perhaps, a good thing. But that summer after school had let out, I decided to take a trip over to go see Addy. My parents liked my idea, and even payed for half of my airfare.
As I packed up my clothes, I couldn't help but think about what Addy would be like. I had done some reading up on schizophrenia, and it sounded really scary. People with schizophrenia stop caring about their appearance and personal hygiene, something that Addy always had. They stop being motivated to do things like school, work, and keeping up relationships, which explains the gradual drop in emails from her. They will also start saying words and sentences that sound like nonsense to anyone else, which I had also seen. The most common symptom, and the one that hurt me the most, was the delusions. Often times, schizophrenics will interpret information VERY incorrectly, resulting in ideas and beliefs that are not true, such as that people are spying on or watching them, that no one likes them, that everyone's mad at them, or that they don't know who to trust. It was that horrible disease that made Addy question our friendship, and her ability to trust me.
Would this new Addy, this schizophrenic Addy, be anything like the OLD Addy? Or would she be a completely new person, someone I'd never met before?
_________________
I had arranged for Addy's mother, Mrs. Sutton, to come pick me up from the airport. As soon as she saw me in the terminal, she rushed up to me and folded me into her arms. Then she held me out, taking in every detail.
“My dear. You've gotten so grown-up. Aren't you beautiful? How is college going?” I could see the sadness in her eyes, and I guessed she must be wishing that Addy had been able to attend college, to have a life and a career before her. But until Addy adjusted to the medication she had finally received, and until she was able to function fairly normally and maintain good grades in the classes, there was no point in enrolling Addy into any college, even a community one.
_________________
We arrived at the Sutton's house. Time did not seem to have touched it. The oak tree still stood, strong and proud, in front. Their door was still bright red with a silver knob, and the trim was still a matching red. The grass was well trimmed just like it had been five years ago, and the bushes were tidy as always. I smiled. At least something was still the same.
I grabbed my suitcase from the trunk, and together Mrs. Sutton and I made our way up the sidewalk to the door. I hesitated, not wanting to go inside. If I stayed out here, I could imagine that nothing had changed. That I was still 13, and Addy was still healthy. If I went inside, everything would be different. I went inside.
“Addy?” Mrs. Sutton called out. “We're here!” I heard Addy's door open, and footsteps echoed through the otherwise quiet house. I braced myself for whoever it was I was about to see. Some part of me still expected to see 13 year old Addy come racing around the corner. Another part of me was expecting to see some sort of monster with Addy's face. And still another part of me was not expecting anything.
“Hi, stranger.” The voice was familiar, and to my surprise, so was the face. Addy still looked like Addy, exactly as I had pictured her looking at this age when I was 13. Sure her hair was a little messier than I had pictured then, and yes she was still in her pajamas at 5 pm when the old Addy would have been dressed by fifteen minutes after waking up, but it was most definitely Addy. And something of the old Addy remained. Yet, there was surely something different. Her eyes were deeper, and more sorrowful. She looked like she had a heavy burden on her shoulders that I wished I could take away from her and carry myself. I ached for her.
“Addy!” I cried, rushing over to give her a hug. I saw her tense up at first. Would she let me hug her? She did. In fact, she even reached out to hug me, too. “I've missed you, so much!”
_________________
I had arranged to stay for a month, but I wasn't sure I'd make it through that first week. Addy was still adjusting to the new medication, and was suffering from some of the side-effects; headaches, slight fever, and nausea. And she was only just now beginning to trust me, and to realize that people were not stalking her.
I couldn't help but be afraid, when the schizophrenia was at its worst. And as little as I liked to admit it--even to myself-- I saw her as as monster. A science experiment. Not truly real anymore. And I hated myself for it. How could I possibly see her, my best friend, as a monster? But I did. I couldn't help it. This disease was something totally different from anything I had ever seen before. There was nothing that I could compare it to, nothing that resembled it that I had ever experienced or seen.
Before I heard about Addy, schizophrenia was something I knew about(I had learned about it in school, so I knew it was real) but didn't REALLY know. It was something foreign. Something that I never even imagined would come close to me. And then it did. And it was all because of Addy.
_________________
Then one day, something happened that changed my view of schizophrenia entirely. I had been at Addy's house for about two weeks, and I was scheduled to leave in five days. Mr and Mrs Sutton were both out (Mr Sutton at work and Mrs Sutton picking up groceries) and it was just Addy and me. We hadn't spoken much over the course of my visit, and in that whole time this was really the first that we had been alone. I was flipping idly through the pages of a magazine, and Addy was sitting in her favorite chair, her knees pulled up to her chest, staring out at nothing as she often did. Her eyes were glazed over, and she seemed lost in the world of her mind. From what her mother had said, as well as what I had seen on my own, this world was not a happy place for her. Just like always she seemed agitated, and slightly scared.
I was just in the middle of reading an article about color planning for your house, when I heard a soft singing. I looked up, startled. It was Addy! She was still staring out into space, but she no longer looked agitated or scared. Her eyes weren't glazed over like they had been just a moment ago. Instead, she looked at peace. She looked... happy. She looked like the Addy I had imagined as a child.
I couldn't bear to interrupt, to break this moment where all was right with her. So I just sat there, listening to the song and her beautiful voice. Addy always had been the singer. When she had first began singing, the words were a little muddled, but now I knew what song she was singing. It was a song we had listened to as teens, when it was new, called “**After the Storm.” I still remember her singing it at a school competition. She won then and could have won now. She still had that sweet, soft, soprano voice that you couldn't help but love. It had been too long since I'd heard that voice.
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
When the song was over, Addy fell silent. But her eyes did not regain their former glaze. She stayed peaceful. I did not know how long this time would last, so I finally got up the courage to break the silence.
“I hadn't heard you sing in a long time, Addy.” She looked over at me, startled. “Your voice is still pretty.”
“Thank you.” She said simply. After a moment she looked away, and I was worried that she wouldn't say any more, but just as I was about to say something, she continued, “I had forgotten you were there. Usually, I only sing on my own.”
“Do you sing often?” I asked, genuinely curious. Why had I never heard her?
“Not as much now that you're here. I'm always afraid you'll hear me.” She replied, turning back to face me. “A part of me knows I shouldn't be afraid, but... I can't help it.” She said the last part in a whisper, and tears glistened in the corners of her eyes.
“Why do you sing if no one can hear you?” I questioned. “What does it do for you if no one can hear it?”
She thought for a moment, trying to find the words to say it, I think. “When I sing... it's like I'm whole again. That there's no disease... no illness... no schizophrenia... I'm not psycho Addy, or sick Addy, or schizophrenic Addy. I'm just Addy. Addy as she should be. And I'm still Addy for a few minutes after I stop singing. But after a little bit... sick Addy comes back.”
It was then that I realized- schizophrenia was not a monster, and schizophrenics weren't scientific experiments gone wrong. They were just people. People who were trapped. Trapped in disease. And sometimes, they would find a way to break free from slavery and become whole again.
_________________
Addy Sutton helped me to see that schizophrenia wasn't a monster. And neither were any other mental or physical disabilities or diseases. They weren't scary, or weird, or embarrassing. They were just different. And that was OK. Schizophrenia still confused, confounded, and amazed me. It still kept me on my toes, and always had a surprise for me. But I was no longer afraid of differences. And I truly think it was all because of Addy...
**Song by Mumford & Sons
I met Addy when I was five years old. It was the first day of kindergarten, and I was one of those children who wasn't just all fired up to leave their mommy at the door. In fact, I was a crier. My mom had explained that I was going to start school today, and I'd been excited about it. I was ready to learn, to start a new adventure. What my mom hadn't told me was that she would leave. And when it registered in my five year-old mind that my mom was saying good-bye, was leaving me in this foreign place to go to work, I latched onto her and refused to let go.
When they'd finally managed to pull me of my mother's leg long enough for her to get out the door, I simply stood there, very reluctant to leave this relatively safe corner of the room. I felt incredibly small, and let's face it, I was. My birthday was the day before the cut-off date for starting kindergarten, so I was the youngest person in the class. Some of the kids were nearly a year older than me. And to top it all off, I was small for my age. So not only were these kids much older than me, but they were much bigger too!
For the first fifteen minutes of class I stood in the same spot, stone still, waiting for my mother to come to her senses and run back to take me home. I kept expecting the door to swing open, revealing my mother, frantic and anxious. She would rush over to me, pick me up, and plant a big kiss on my cheek. She'd explain to the teacher that she'd made a mistake, that I didn't belong here, and that she was taking me back home. But she never did. After another ten minutes, I knew she wasn't coming back for me.
But still I stood there, unwilling to move, my arms stiff at my sides. Even when the teacher came over to ask me if I wanted to color, I refused to leave that spot. My lip quivered, and my eyes filled with big preschooler tears.
“Hey! Don't you want to come play with me?” A voice said, breaking into my thoughts. I looked up to see a girl waiting expectantly for an answer. She was about an inch or so taller than me, with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She wore a blue play-dress exactly like the one I had begged my mom to buy me just the week before, only it had been too expensive. Her shoulder length hair was pulled up in two pig-tails, with a huge blue bow on one side. “Well, are you coming?”
And that was the beginning of our friendship, a friendship that changed my life for the better. All because of Addy.
_________________
Addy and I maintained a steady friendship all through kindergarten, and it carried over into elementary and even middle school. I was there for her during third grade when her dog, Ellie, got lost. She was there for me in sixth grade when my grandmother died. I teased her when she admitted to her first crush, Jude Wilkerson, and she did the same when I admitted to my first crush, Matthew Reed. We laughed together, we cried together. We fought sometimes, and would make up the next day. We counted on each other for support. We promised each other that we'd always be there for each other. But then, my dad's work offered him a job, an even better job, on the other side of the country. And it wasn't really much of an offer. They told my dad that he could either take the job, or leave the company, and work wasn't all that easy to find. So we moved.
I still remember that day. My dad's boss had allowed us to stay just long enough for me to finish out eighth grade, but they told us my dad had to be in the office three weeks after my school let out. If he wasn't, the job would be offered to the next guy in line. So there I was, just one week after school was over for the summer, and I was saying good bye to my best friend.
The moving men were busily working away, emptying our house into a truck. And in the midst of it all, Addy and I just stood there awkwardly, not really sure what to say. What DO you say in a situation like that? You might have a hundred and one answers to that question, and now I could probably come up with something to relieve the tension, but that didn't help me then.
“We can still email.” Addy said, trying to strike up a conversation. “You can send pictures of your new house to me, and I can send you pictures of... of me.” She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.
“Yeah, sure. Sounds great!” I smiled too, trying to make her feel better, but I knew it couldn't possibly be very comforting. And we waited until my mom came to tell me that we were packed up and needed to leave.
I stood there, looking at Addy. I hoped upon hope that someday we would get to see each other again, but I knew also that my dad didn't have any intentions of moving back. Addy and I hugged tightly, and I never wanted to let go, although I knew I would have to. And just before we pulled apart, she whispered in my ear, “I won't ever forget you.”
_________________
The years went by faster than I ever believed possible. Almost before I knew what had happened, I was in my senior year of high-school, and then I was starting college.
For several years I was able to keep up a long-distance relationship with Addy. We emailed multiple times a day, talking about this, that, and the other. But sometime during our junior years in high-school, I began to see a change, so gradual and so slight that I almost didn't notice. Addy's emails began becoming shorter, and farther between. It finally got to the point where I would only receive about one email every other week, and those were alarmingly confusing. Addy would jump between topics faster than made any sense to me, and frequently there would be a sentence or two in the email that made no sense at all! It almost appeared to be a dozen different words strung together in seemingly no order. Addy also started telling me that she was being spied on, that everyone was watching her. She told me she didn't know who to trust, not even her own parents.
But the real heart breaker came just before graduation. It was in that email that she told me she no longer knew that she could trust me. She said that she couldn't tell anymore if people were telling her the whole truth, part of it, or even a complete lie. She said that maybe someone was controlling me, trying to steal her “talents” through me. It was the last email I received from her.
After two months of not getting any emails or hearing anything about Addy at all, I called her mom. With a weary voice, her mother explained that Addy had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. She was in the process of getting some medication that would hopefully help her to return to some sort of normal, but the doctor said she would probably never be the same again.
_________________
I started college the year after my high-school graduation. I was taking classes several times a week, and with the homework from each of those classes, I was really bogged down. I had hardly any time to dwell on Addy for pretty much my whole freshman year of college, which was, perhaps, a good thing. But that summer after school had let out, I decided to take a trip over to go see Addy. My parents liked my idea, and even payed for half of my airfare.
As I packed up my clothes, I couldn't help but think about what Addy would be like. I had done some reading up on schizophrenia, and it sounded really scary. People with schizophrenia stop caring about their appearance and personal hygiene, something that Addy always had. They stop being motivated to do things like school, work, and keeping up relationships, which explains the gradual drop in emails from her. They will also start saying words and sentences that sound like nonsense to anyone else, which I had also seen. The most common symptom, and the one that hurt me the most, was the delusions. Often times, schizophrenics will interpret information VERY incorrectly, resulting in ideas and beliefs that are not true, such as that people are spying on or watching them, that no one likes them, that everyone's mad at them, or that they don't know who to trust. It was that horrible disease that made Addy question our friendship, and her ability to trust me.
Would this new Addy, this schizophrenic Addy, be anything like the OLD Addy? Or would she be a completely new person, someone I'd never met before?
_________________
I had arranged for Addy's mother, Mrs. Sutton, to come pick me up from the airport. As soon as she saw me in the terminal, she rushed up to me and folded me into her arms. Then she held me out, taking in every detail.
“My dear. You've gotten so grown-up. Aren't you beautiful? How is college going?” I could see the sadness in her eyes, and I guessed she must be wishing that Addy had been able to attend college, to have a life and a career before her. But until Addy adjusted to the medication she had finally received, and until she was able to function fairly normally and maintain good grades in the classes, there was no point in enrolling Addy into any college, even a community one.
_________________
We arrived at the Sutton's house. Time did not seem to have touched it. The oak tree still stood, strong and proud, in front. Their door was still bright red with a silver knob, and the trim was still a matching red. The grass was well trimmed just like it had been five years ago, and the bushes were tidy as always. I smiled. At least something was still the same.
I grabbed my suitcase from the trunk, and together Mrs. Sutton and I made our way up the sidewalk to the door. I hesitated, not wanting to go inside. If I stayed out here, I could imagine that nothing had changed. That I was still 13, and Addy was still healthy. If I went inside, everything would be different. I went inside.
“Addy?” Mrs. Sutton called out. “We're here!” I heard Addy's door open, and footsteps echoed through the otherwise quiet house. I braced myself for whoever it was I was about to see. Some part of me still expected to see 13 year old Addy come racing around the corner. Another part of me was expecting to see some sort of monster with Addy's face. And still another part of me was not expecting anything.
“Hi, stranger.” The voice was familiar, and to my surprise, so was the face. Addy still looked like Addy, exactly as I had pictured her looking at this age when I was 13. Sure her hair was a little messier than I had pictured then, and yes she was still in her pajamas at 5 pm when the old Addy would have been dressed by fifteen minutes after waking up, but it was most definitely Addy. And something of the old Addy remained. Yet, there was surely something different. Her eyes were deeper, and more sorrowful. She looked like she had a heavy burden on her shoulders that I wished I could take away from her and carry myself. I ached for her.
“Addy!” I cried, rushing over to give her a hug. I saw her tense up at first. Would she let me hug her? She did. In fact, she even reached out to hug me, too. “I've missed you, so much!”
_________________
I had arranged to stay for a month, but I wasn't sure I'd make it through that first week. Addy was still adjusting to the new medication, and was suffering from some of the side-effects; headaches, slight fever, and nausea. And she was only just now beginning to trust me, and to realize that people were not stalking her.
I couldn't help but be afraid, when the schizophrenia was at its worst. And as little as I liked to admit it--even to myself-- I saw her as as monster. A science experiment. Not truly real anymore. And I hated myself for it. How could I possibly see her, my best friend, as a monster? But I did. I couldn't help it. This disease was something totally different from anything I had ever seen before. There was nothing that I could compare it to, nothing that resembled it that I had ever experienced or seen.
Before I heard about Addy, schizophrenia was something I knew about(I had learned about it in school, so I knew it was real) but didn't REALLY know. It was something foreign. Something that I never even imagined would come close to me. And then it did. And it was all because of Addy.
_________________
Then one day, something happened that changed my view of schizophrenia entirely. I had been at Addy's house for about two weeks, and I was scheduled to leave in five days. Mr and Mrs Sutton were both out (Mr Sutton at work and Mrs Sutton picking up groceries) and it was just Addy and me. We hadn't spoken much over the course of my visit, and in that whole time this was really the first that we had been alone. I was flipping idly through the pages of a magazine, and Addy was sitting in her favorite chair, her knees pulled up to her chest, staring out at nothing as she often did. Her eyes were glazed over, and she seemed lost in the world of her mind. From what her mother had said, as well as what I had seen on my own, this world was not a happy place for her. Just like always she seemed agitated, and slightly scared.
I was just in the middle of reading an article about color planning for your house, when I heard a soft singing. I looked up, startled. It was Addy! She was still staring out into space, but she no longer looked agitated or scared. Her eyes weren't glazed over like they had been just a moment ago. Instead, she looked at peace. She looked... happy. She looked like the Addy I had imagined as a child.
I couldn't bear to interrupt, to break this moment where all was right with her. So I just sat there, listening to the song and her beautiful voice. Addy always had been the singer. When she had first began singing, the words were a little muddled, but now I knew what song she was singing. It was a song we had listened to as teens, when it was new, called “**After the Storm.” I still remember her singing it at a school competition. She won then and could have won now. She still had that sweet, soft, soprano voice that you couldn't help but love. It had been too long since I'd heard that voice.
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
When the song was over, Addy fell silent. But her eyes did not regain their former glaze. She stayed peaceful. I did not know how long this time would last, so I finally got up the courage to break the silence.
“I hadn't heard you sing in a long time, Addy.” She looked over at me, startled. “Your voice is still pretty.”
“Thank you.” She said simply. After a moment she looked away, and I was worried that she wouldn't say any more, but just as I was about to say something, she continued, “I had forgotten you were there. Usually, I only sing on my own.”
“Do you sing often?” I asked, genuinely curious. Why had I never heard her?
“Not as much now that you're here. I'm always afraid you'll hear me.” She replied, turning back to face me. “A part of me knows I shouldn't be afraid, but... I can't help it.” She said the last part in a whisper, and tears glistened in the corners of her eyes.
“Why do you sing if no one can hear you?” I questioned. “What does it do for you if no one can hear it?”
She thought for a moment, trying to find the words to say it, I think. “When I sing... it's like I'm whole again. That there's no disease... no illness... no schizophrenia... I'm not psycho Addy, or sick Addy, or schizophrenic Addy. I'm just Addy. Addy as she should be. And I'm still Addy for a few minutes after I stop singing. But after a little bit... sick Addy comes back.”
It was then that I realized- schizophrenia was not a monster, and schizophrenics weren't scientific experiments gone wrong. They were just people. People who were trapped. Trapped in disease. And sometimes, they would find a way to break free from slavery and become whole again.
_________________
Addy Sutton helped me to see that schizophrenia wasn't a monster. And neither were any other mental or physical disabilities or diseases. They weren't scary, or weird, or embarrassing. They were just different. And that was OK. Schizophrenia still confused, confounded, and amazed me. It still kept me on my toes, and always had a surprise for me. But I was no longer afraid of differences. And I truly think it was all because of Addy...
**Song by Mumford & Sons
CammyS
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